Saturday, December 27, 2008

첫인상

제길-_- 쓰던거 다 날라갔다. ....걍 그렇다고.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

어익후



누구는 억울하게 홀로 생사를 오가는 외롭고 고된 나날을 보내는데
나는 풍족한 이곳에서 모든것이 다 있는 이 자리에서
사랑타령이나 하고 불만불평이나 늘어놓고 있고나.

아이고 내 어리석은 자신아.
언제서야 제대로 된 사람이 될꺼냐...



Love For The Sake Of Loving

"...[kids] want each other so much because they want each other so much. Sometimes that's all it's about, isn't it? They're in love with being in love."

- Roger Ebert, "Twilight " Review

Here's my question: is loving for the sake of the feeling of loving, and being loved, good, or bad?

I'm asking because it feels awful like acting blithly and irresponsiblly, something that belongs to a period what we call puberty, pretty much what that movie, "Twilight" is aimed at.

And I'm asking also because it seems like something I'm doing. Right at this moment.

...

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Am I?

I heard people regarding girls as 'high-maintenance' or 'low-maintenance'.
I'm not sure if that applies to guys as well?

If so, I think I'd be considered 'high-maintenance'...

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Tricky, This Thing Called Money...


The recent financial crisis here in US is reminding me not only how valuable my job is, but also how terrible I am with money stuff. (I know economic crisis and my personal finance was a bit of a gap, but it does. So, shut up.)


Some of you may know but I was never a keeper. I mean money-wise, at least. Whatever I earn, I spend. This is bad. But sometimes, I spend more than I earn. This is terrible. To keep track of where my money is going, I started recording all my spendings and earnings, and guess what? I still have no idea where it's going. I just see that big red number at the end of each month, indicating I've spent more than what I've earned that month. But that doesn't mean much, because I think to myself, 'Oh, well, I can work OT and make up for it.'


Yeah, right. Like I ever work nearly enough to cover my expenses. (I'm usually to busy spending my money away, or enjoy the goods I bought, to work more.) This is keeping my overall financial asset in red, and I don't see any improvement.


I keep thinking I should stop spending my money away, but being in the middle of the end-of-the-year holiday season, it's not helping much. There has been such a wealth of must-buys that I just could not pass on, so that drained my wallet heavily. Even with that initial holiday rush of goodness in the rear view mirror, planned trip to parents' home and to New York for the holiday doesn't help much.


I guess I can blame all this to my parents for failing to teach me how to properly manage my finance. Well, I can blame them for every shit I'm in, and honestly, I have been. But I guess in the end, it's all up to me. It's my own business, and I'm responsible for it's situation--although my family's situation did have something to do with my heavily drained checkbook.


Anyways, this post has become such a rant and whine that I don't even remember why I started writing. I guess I'm trying to say, even if I'm earning much more than many and should be fairly well off, that's just not the case.


I need someone who'd help me keep my money..

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Nonsense

In a previous post, I said for the next relationship, I shall be patient and wait for the other to mature, something I always look for.

Now that I had more time to think about it, I realize this thought is deeply flawed. This is because one should love the other for what he/she is, not for what that person may become in the future. By wanting something else from the other, I was already deeply wrong.

Oh, well, at least now I know. Right?

Monday, November 17, 2008

사랑을 말하다



사랑은 숨쉬는 공기와 같아야 한다고 억지로 하면 안되는 거라고
하지만 그 모든 자유에도 최소한의 배려와 희생은 포함되어야 한다고


Saturday, November 15, 2008

그대가 곁에 있어도...



물 속에는
물만 있는 것이 아니다
하늘에는
그 하늘만 있는 것이 아니다
그리고 내 안에는
나만이 있는 것이 아니다


내 안에 있는 이여
내 안에서 나를 흔드는 이여
물처럼 하늘처럼 내 깊은 곳 흘러서
은밀한 내 꿈과 만나는 이여
그대가 곁에 있어도
나는 그대가 그립다

- 류시화 "그대가 곁에 있어도 나는 그대가 그립다"



Thursday, November 13, 2008

My Ticket To Paradise



When there's no where else to run,
is there room for one more son?


Never to miss out on any of my favorite bands' concert in Atlanta area again, I went above and beyond and got myself two tickets to upcoming concert of The Killers on 30 January in the next year. I may have crossed my budget line--it was around the higher end of $100. Let me just hope that the professional concerts do worth this kind of money.

I do...what, now?

"피터는 매력을 흘리고 다닌다니까."
(rough translation: "Peter habitually leaves mixed message behind.")

...said one of church friends the other day.
Guess I should stop doing whatever that is.

Monday, November 10, 2008

"사람이 무언가 기대되는것이 없다는것은
희망이 없다는것과 마찬가지라고 생각한다."

기대가 없어 희망이 없다는 것은,
희망이 낳아주는 꿈이 없다는 것이고,
사람이 꿈이 없다는 것은 죽은 것과 마찬가지라고
나는 생각한다.

기대와 희망.
그것은 한 사람의 지표이며
그의 욕망을 불태워 인간의 한계를 뛰어 넘는
거대한 삶의 원동력이 아닐까.

이렇게 말을 하는 나는
지금 하루하루 꿈을 잃어가는
일반적인 삶을 살아가며
두 손을 놓은채
주저앉아 있다.

너에게 나의 희망을 건다.
내가 행복할 이유가 되어줘..

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Listen to My Crying in Agony

Last week, I said I have to go to Coldplay's concert.

Well... it seems like tickets for the concert on next Tuesday is sold out and the cheapest ticket I can get at this time costs $107, and that's even for the ones seating on top floor of the stadium!

Can I cry now? *sniff*

PS. I just found out that The Killers will be coming to Atlanta at the end of January! And... tickets are already sold out. ..... @#%#@$^@#%@!!!!

Reminiscence

썸머 시작한지 얼마나 되었다고 이러는 것일까..
벌써 학교에 있기가 싫다..
집에 가고싶다..
한국에 가고싶다..
그저..그냥..어디론가 떠나고 싶다..

보고싶은 사람이 없다..
내 마음을 주고싶은 사람이 없다..
같이 내 삶의 순간 순간들을 나누고 싶은 사람이..
없다.....

난..
....외롭다


- On a lonely day, May 2004

어떤 계기로 오래전에 적은 일기를 들추어 보게 됐다.
존재했는지도 잊어버린 나의 생각들.
길지도, 짧지도 않은 4년이란 세월이 지난 지금,
그 시절의 생각을 되세기며 내 자신의 등을 토닥이며 말한다:

"먼 길을 오느라 힘들었지? 잘왔어, 짜샤."

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Marvel

I can't thank God enough for giving me a chance to experience such a marvelous event, to be filled with joy, thrill, and inspiration for the better tomorrow.

We've done it. We've become the beacon of light, the flagpole of hope for the world. Now let's deliver on the promises and all the expectations.

Monday, November 3, 2008

A Musing on Relationship

To be fatuously honest, one of the reasons my last relationship didn't last is that I thought of the other immature. This is silly that it's funny because looking back, it was I that was the young one, not knowing a thing what he was doing.

At the time, I wanted to be a responsible and reliable adult (I still do) and started the relationship because she appeared to be remarkably mature for her age. Maybe I thought I'd be an adult by having one next to me. When I discovered that she was, in fact, a teenage girl still struggling to shape her ego, I found myself in a mulky position. And rest is history.

What I realized after the breakup is something that everyone knows: people change, or grow, in this case. Shortly after, I found her changing--for the better--very fast that I actually regretted not giving more deliberation to the decision and time for the relationship. In short, I just didn't hold out long enough.

People make mistakes. People make all kinds of stupid calls and from those, they learn. I believe I've learned something out of this... and I shall put it to practice this time around, and hope that this time, I will have a relationship I always wanted: a meaningful, deep, and mature relationship.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Energy-Sucking Work

It feels like I get tired just by sitting at my desk in this window-less, all-gray and bland office.

It is a psychological thing? Is my attitude towards this place doing it? How about you? Do you get tired just by being at your work?

Gossip Maker

These days, I'm being a topic among people around me. There has been so many gossip about my life... Although I want to deny it, I think, deep inside me, a part of me is actually enjoying this. This is bad. And I shall put an end to it...

Well, it soon will, anyways.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Like Magic

Look up the stars
Look how they shine for you
In everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
It was called "Yellow"

Your skin
Oh yeah
Your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
You know
You know I love you so
You know I love you so

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And all the things that you do

It was like magic.

Coldplay was playing, and it just.. happened.
A journey, yes, a journey has begun.

Now I have to go to their concert.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Wake Up.

Many girls talk about how guys are insensitive, that we don't appreciate all the little things we share with the loved ones.

I guess I am fortunate in that sense, being a sensitive person I am, although.. admitting this opens up an opportunity to be called "fairy." (Look up on Urban Dictionary if you're not familiar with this term.)

For now, I am just glad I can appreciate a morning phone call... to be able to hear the one's voice still well in sleep.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Painful

Veil has been lifted somewhat,
and now time is going ever so slowly.

Realizing that things are just as the old days,
it's funny how a small difference can make such a big change.

This is just painful.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

...

새벽.

살며시 뜬 눈에 보인 날갯짓.

그리고...

Thursday, October 2, 2008

She Spilled Her Coffee, Broke Her Shoelace...

For a while, I thought I found a place where I can call "home".
I thought I found a place where I feel like I am worth something,
that I am being appreciated.

But I am now seeing that feeling fleeting away from me,
as if it were only an illusion.

What should I do when all of my input is ignored?
When my best effort is being shot down like flies?

I may be being too sensitive.
I may be being too selfish and childlike.

But I had a high hope of finding a cause,
and now that I don't... it's just... very depressing.

Again, I am reminded that I really don't like leaders.
I feel sorry for his newly wed wife,
who's being ignored,
whose being is regarded as given.

Yes,
I had a bad day.

Again...

Saturday, September 27, 2008

It's a Simple Thing. So Simple..to Forget.

I had a dream last night. A dream that escaped my memories.. but one small thing from it suddenly came back this afternoon.

The dream awakened the feeling, the honest and pure feeling of excitement, happiness, this feeling of butterfly in my stomach, something that brings smile on my face... for no good reason.

Yes, this is the feeling that I long for. Yes, this is what's been missing in my life. From some time ago, I don't know when, but maybe since I learned to measure people, I've never felt this feeling.

There certainly have been times when it came close. Yes. But even then, I didn't lose myself. I was calculating and weighing, constantly, in my head.

Will that day when I forget myself and enjoy the moment come? Will she?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Reminded

Living several hundred miles away from rest of the family apparently leads each other to grow apart. It's not that they stop to love each other, but each other's problems start to look like someone else's problems. Well, maybe not completely, but to some degrees, I think it's true. It certainly is in my case. Yesterday, I was again reminded of how screwed my family's situation is, something I honestly haven't been thinking about for awhile.

I know every family has its own problem to overcome, but I think it's especially challenging for my family; things just doesn't change, no, we don't change. We keep refusing to accept our fault and arrogance, and always try to work around it without going into the root of all evil and work our way up from there. This is like figuring out how not to fall when you pull tablecloth out, all the while you are standing right on top of it. No, it's more like figuring out how not to look like a fool while doing all that.

I may be at fault for not genuinly inclined to help them in every possible way, or even for not being with them when the shit hits the fan, but, I just can't throw myself in the way of the filth, just to let them deny their inevitable hard decision a little bit longer.

I just can't bring myself to do it when all I see from them is ... refusal to accept the real help.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I Wish...


Days seem especially short these days now that I'm in the middle of packing and moving boxes to the new apartments.

And I hate it.

I really wish I had more time after work, about 4 hours more, just to chill and relax. But the reality is cruel. I have to get at least 6 hours of sleep to function the next day. I really wish I had a super power--a supernatural power to function at 100% with no sleep.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Futile

I realize now that I am trying to fill the emtpiness in me with the "high" from buying needless things.

I constantly look up web-stores, trying to see who has the best deal on something I don't need right now.

I have a long list of "buy list" compiled and always look it up, update and edit it whenever I need a distraction.

I almost always think about what to buy after work; I have to make a constant effort to stop myself from driving toward CircuitCity.

No wonder I am not saving any money these days...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Where Art Thou?

"I've lost inspiration."

When I uttered those words to my friend, I finally realized, I don't have anything to look forward to, nothing that makes me feel full, happy, and not a waste. I've lost my purpose; the reason of my existance.

I'm yet to find it. My search goes on, and my hope dwindles. I hope there is someone out there...

There is someone out there, right?
Anyone there? Hello?

Monday, September 8, 2008

"We Live In A Cynical, Cynical World."

There are a lot of things I promised myself not to do, even if everyone else around me seems to do be doing them. One of those is smoking, which I have been keeping it very well, and another is to respond to others' romances in genuine, non-cynical way, to kindly embrace them as sincere happiness that should be celebrated. But lately, I am finding myself doing exactly the opposite.

It's been more than two full years since I've had someone to call my own, and my attitude towards others' affairs has changed dramatically in that short, but oh-so-freak'n-long period of solitude. While I used to be happy to see someone in relationship, now I see them and always find something to frown upon.

Once, I was introduced to a boyfriend of this girl at church. I was told of their story along with it, how they once hooked up and then broke up under stress and pressure from the girl's parents--the boyfriend didn't get higher education. You know how that is to parents. (And honestly, to me, too.) Anyways, now that they somehow got over all the obstacles, they are back together. Because she appeared to me as someone who'd get along with Sex And The City girls very well--meaning she seems to carefully examine guys with worldly measurements much more so than her own feeling and what not--I was very surprised by her dedication to someone who doesn't even have a decent resume to show. So, cheers to a happy ending.

Or not.

It was about a month after I first met the guy. After church and after I've greeted the couple, I was on my way to my car, and vrooom, here goes the girl in her boyfriend's car, 2008 BMW Z4 convertible with open top. Instantly, all my good thoughts of them evaporated. I started thinking, 'Did she hung onto him because of that?' 'Maybe her "love" towards him isn't so innocent.' And even, 'Man, they're showing off. Sky isn't even clear to have the hood top open like that.'

I know, it may not have anything to do with her decision to get back with him. It may not. But the point is, I don't see it that way. I would have, if it were a couple years ago. But not now. If her now-boyfriend didn't have something to show, I doubt they'd been back together.

There are many other cases that are more or less like this, but those are for another time.

PS. I promise you, my change of heart towards them have nothing to do with the favorable comments she had made towards me before she got back to her boyfriend. Really.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Bombs Away!





I just finished bidding, as they call it here, for another position within this company. It is like back in the summer of 2007, when I was biting my nails, waiting for any response from hiring managers. Boy, wasn't that a frustrating time? And I'm here doing it all over again, trying to find something that inspires me greatly, to keep me involved and motivated.

This is not to say that my current job sucks. I do believe I have grown much in this short time. But at the same time, I could've done much better. If I were more disciplined, I would've applied myself to work infinitely more, and be more involved in the team work, and also in meeting and familiarizing people who occupy the neighboring cubies.

And now that I think about it, it's been already a year since I've left my former home. Doesn't time go faster by day? It makes me wanna go back to school, just to slow time down. But we all know that's not true; time will constantly accelerate, no matter what we do. It's like the fundamental property of this world...or something. I'm sure my good friend can tell you the same. Well, in a year, he will say what I said here, that school doesn't slow time down.

Anyways, what makes this job transfer process more thrilling is that I haven't talked about this to anyone, yet. That includes my boss, too. You may say this is no-brainer, as looking for another job behind your boss'es back is a common sense in this cold and brutal business world. But the thing is, the way this company works is that when and if I am selected for an interview, they, meaning HR, I assume, will send a notification to my boss! This puts me in a nice and comfy position where I am constantly debating with myself, whether or not to tell my boss about what I am up to.

So, if I do tell my boss, I will not be seen as a backstabbing bastard. Or at least, not as much. But what if I do tell him, and then I am not selected to be interviewed? Then I'll be forever held as a betrayer-wannabe who just couldn't.

Ah, I just hope this uncomfy time just goes by, real fast.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Among Stars


Will we find the monolith of our time?



We became men when we learned to think. Our minds have given us the tools to understand where we live and who we are. Now it is time to move on to the next step, to know that we live not on a planet but among the stars, and that we are not flesh but intelligence.

- Roger Ebert on Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey

Friday, August 1, 2008

insatiable



과연 지금에 만족을 못하는 사람이
시간이 간다고 어딘가로 떠난다고
뭔가가 달라질까..


행복해 함은 주위로부터 오는게 아니라
자기 자신의 마음에서부터 나오는 것임을
이제는 깨닳아야 하지 않을까?


새로운 것들에 행복해하는 사람은
그 어느것도 언제까지나 새로울 수 없기에
불행하기만 하며


색다른 것에 기뻐하는 사람은
색다름이 식상함으로 변하니
슬퍼할수밖에 없네.


만족하지 못하는 그대여
불행만이 당신을 만족시키리니...



Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Real Playboy

Few days ago, I heard someone describing playboy. According to her, a real playboy is not necessarily someone who is good at charming people, or dates many many girls. Rather, she says it's those who easily falls for girls. He (or even she) has this ability to find something that is so charming in practically everyone, especially a new face.

So, if I thought she was describing myself, am I a playboy? Well, there was this one time when... Never mind. Just bad memories.

Monday, July 21, 2008

불만불평

나는 왜 내가 하는 일마다
관심을 갖질 못하는 걸까

언제나 다른 것을 쳐다보며
한숨 짓고있다.

무엇을 하던 마지못해 하며
죽을 쓰는 지금에서 벗어나

무엇을 하던 누구 못지않게
해내는 내가 될 수 없을까?

주위를 둘러보면 필요한건 다 있는데
난 도데체 무엇을 더 바라는 걸까?

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Failure To Evolve

Time flies. It definitely flies. This is especially obvious when I learn of new idol groups consisted of little girls or boys that are born in years that I actually remember vividly. What kind of boys and girls do you picture when you think of those born after '90s? Well, those fully developed (or more than I expect) girls and boys with thick and low voice on television are definitely not what I picture!

Eh-hem. I digress. So, anyways, as I waste supersonic days of my life, my time here in Atlanta has already getting close to a full year; one short more month, and it will be my 1st year aniversary. What's more is that it already has been a one full year since my college graduation! Now how long ago was it when I thought a year was such a dreadfully long time..?

In that short time, of which I can't remember what I've been doing, there's one thing I've noticed that occurred several times spread throughout my stay: when meeting new people, I am frequently asked what I am studying. Noticed I didn't say what I "studied"; they are assuming, and I don't know why, that I am still in school, either in undergraduate or graduate, pursuing some kind of degree. So, I generously inform them of my graduation and of my work.

So, my question is, what is it about me that makes people think I am still in school? Is it my college-nerdy look that I failed to get rid of after college? Is it the same damn clothes from back at school I still wear? Or my Harry Potter-esque nerdy glasses?

Whatever it is, the constant inquiry of my major is really getting into my head; I'm now thinking maybe my place is in academia, not in this harsh, survival-of-the-fittest business sector.

Ah, the comfortable, laid-back, full of dusty old books that I'll never open, and supportive atmosphere...

Well, I guess it's good, then, that I am looking into going back to school already, and that my study of GRE is about to commence. ...like several months ago--I bought GRE vocabulary book several months back, and hasn't gone past first 30 vocabularies. Yay?

Voila!

As a Christian, I know that I shouldn't really heed the words of things like fortune cookie. But sometimes, the fortunes from those cookies seem right on target, that I can't really dismiss what it says completely.

Yesterday, I cracked open a fortune cookie after a meal out, and got a proper fortune--not one of those stupid "You are great person... blah blah" thing--that told me I'll find an item I've been looking for within few days. At first, I took the word "item" loosely, and hoped it meant "someone," like a hot girl or cute girl. ;D

But then there was this "item" item I've been missing: my iPod shuffle. It was lost in the rush to airport last week, and I wasn't able to find it even with all-out search last Sunday after I got back from the trip.

Today, after I got out of my car and started walking to my work, I remembered that I sometimes put my iPod in my shirt's chest pocket (whatever that is called). Remembering the fortune, I half-heartedly felt the pocket, and voila! My iPod, sitting in the pocket.

I know this may sound trivial; after all, people do lose and find things all the time. However, when such finding is preceded first with giving up, then with a fortune telling, one can't help but feel the coincidence may not be just a coincidence.

And that's what I feel like, and I will always remember the fortune that told me my golden days are not far from now.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Nice

Las Vegas.

Nationals Kendo Championship.

1st Place.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

푸른 아침의 별로 푸르지 않은 상념




난 참 중심이 없는 남자다.
흔히 "줏대가 없다" 라고들 하지.



도로를 달릴때 앞에 차의 속도에 따라 빠르게,
혹은 느리게 가는 사소한 점 부터,
검도 대련하는 상대에 따라 달라지는 승부욕이며,
심지어 상사에 따라 현저히 바뀌는 일의 능률 등.



이것은 내 일관성 없는 취향을 봐도 알수있다.

「고양이의 보은」같은 어린이 만화를
생각없이 좋아하면서
동시에 「공각기동대」, 「인랑」같은
아무리 많이 생각을 해도 이해하기 어려운
난해한 작품을 좋아하기도 한다.

클래식 음악같은 고리타분한 노래를
좋아한다고 우기는 동시에
종종 무대위에 서서 귀엽게 보이려 애를 쓰는
아이돌 스타의 노래를 좋아하기도 한다.



또는, 언제나 나의 고집을 앞세우며
다른사람에게 나의 입장을 주입시키다가
다음순간 옆의 사람의 의견을
그대로 받아들이기도 한다.



이것은 사랑에 관해서도 다르지 않다.
어제는 이 사람이 아니면
죽을 것 처럼 슬퍼하고 아파하다가
오늘은 나를 생각해 주는 사람에게
다가가고 싶어하기도 한다.



나의 줏대없는 이런 행동은
주위의 여러명을 힘들게 하고
내 개인의 발전을 방해한다.



어떻게 하면 중심을 잡고
내 이름의 뜻 처럼
반반하고 신뢰할수 있는
사람이 될까-.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Listen to Her Advice


While talking into the late night yesterday, a church friend (the same person who asked me about my idea of the future spouse) told me that when it comes to girls, it is best to listen to other girls' advice or opinion, just as we guys are much better at judging other guys.

I guess that means I should listen to my sister...? Especially since I tend to see things she saw only after several months, if not years, gave passed. (When it comes to girls, of course.)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Podcasters

While listening to Ryan Payton's podcast, I was thinking, 'What if I make a weekly podcast that my friends can listen to? I'll upload them on this blog where they'll be able to read my posts and listen to my ramblings.' Of course, I won't do such pointless stuff since I don't talk much in real life anyways, but that's not the point.

The next thing I thought was where to upload the recordings, and that's where it came to me: What if there's a webservice where users can record, edit, and distribute their podcasts? It will come with a way to embed the recordings into their blogs, and also a way for others to subscribe to it via RSS or iTunes. It will have a few samples of music clips for users to insert as an opening/ending clip.

Photo by Antonis Papantoniou

Although YouTube is currently a huge trend, I don't think every single person on Earth really wants to record their face and distribute it. While this can be said to their voice recordings, I am thinking there are more who're fine with their own voice than their appearance. And people do like to chat about anything.

So, YouTube of Podcasts. There you go.

I should tell this to WoongKi hyung, who asked me for an idea on web service.

EDIT: Oh, I took a closer look at the page I got that picture from, and it is actually talking about Podcasting. It even has a long list of websites for Podcasting. I guess I'm just slow. :d

With a Boom, It Went.


It didn't look like this(wish it was this cool!), but rather like a small dot on the sky.


Finally saw an F-22 Raptor taking off with a safety chase F-16. ..Or F/A-18. Not sure which. But anyways, it was rather quick and straightfoward encounter; They just took off and disappeared into the far side of the sky.


But it was exciting neverthless!!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Ex: Nougatocity From WoW Made Me Feel Even More Miserable.

No, I'm not saying I'm back to Wow. It's just something a Snickers bar taught me today:


Nougatocity. A heightened yet fleeting state of accomplishment that makes you realize how unbelievably unmotivated you normally are.

A fleeting humour I felt from this definition made me realize how unbelievably unmotivated I am lately.

....

*sigh*

Friday, June 6, 2008

It's All About the First Answer






I am aware of my tendency to fall for girls that are pretty to my eyes. But whenever I'm asked what kind of girls I like, I hesitate to answer just "pretty girls." I guess saying it makes me feel shallow. So, I always avoid saying just that, but add, "who doesn't like pretty girls?" after reciting what kind of girls I don't like. No airheads, no stuck-ups, no selfish ones, and so on.


But last Sunday, while having a dessert with a church associate, I was again asked the same question. After several dodging and ducking, it came to the inevitable topic, and I told him about this one girl I was attracted to at the church. Being an old church member, he was able to figure out who that was, and told me that I have an eye for pretty girls. Well, I didn't know how to respond to this, but took it as a compliment.


But then, the real question came:


"What kind of girls do you see living with in future, making a family and spending rest of your life with?"

I know that by contemplate on this question, one can figure out in what order one examines, if you will, possible future spouse. However, I think, with ample time to think about it, people can formulate a nice sounding answer that isn't quite the truest to one's self. But when asked in the middle of conversation... I'd say the first thing that comes to mind is probably is the most honest response.


So, at that moment, it struck me, the most important aspect of a girl that I look at. It was... the look. When I pictured my future spouse, she was gorgeous looking. Only after that came nice mother, good wife, good cook, responsible, and on and on and on.


Although you may think this is pretty trivial thing I'm talking about here, but because I got so used to rationalizing my preference by adding extra bits and pieces, it was quite a shock; I really am pretty shallow. And have high standards.


...no wonder why I can't find a girlfriend.



Thursday, May 22, 2008

Oh, Bad Korea.

Naver News: 휘발유 2007원 "기름 넣기 무섭다"

Some of my friends keep ask me if I'd like to go back to Korea for good. And my answer is always the same: "As a vacation, yes; to live, definitely no."

The reason I don't want to live in the country, which I still spent more of my younger years in than in the States, is that the system as a whole is not really working over there. People are fast to blame everyone else, full of hate, and are busy copying darker traits (piracy, corruption, binge-drinking, smoking to name a few) of neighboring countries, rather than good traits.

Another reason is that my main interest, interactive storytelling, is, as far as I know, practically nonexistant. While online gaming is flourishing--tons of money is circulating in this market, with countless, pethatic copy-cat games that live to die the next day keep coming out--they do it with one and only one purpose: world-domination. ..wait, no, I mean money. As far as I know, no one is out there trying to make a work of art. Aesthetically advanced work? Give it 10 minutes and you'll see it's just a pretty wrap around another copy-cat crap.

Anyways, there's one more reason for this; shitty economy. Check out the article linked here; 2007 South Korean Won per liter for gas. Can't see how expensive that is? Compare this with gas price in the States--it was $3.89 the last time I checked. With conversion (used Google's conversion tool), it comes out to be ... (drum roll please) ... staggering $7.28 per gallon! While gas price here is rising pretty damn fast--I remember seeing $3.50 per gallon only a few weeks ago... *sigh*--but compared it to that of Korea. It still has a looooooong way to go.

The the high gas price alone, of course, doesn't mean anything if Korean people make twice the money Americans make. But, lo and be hold! Korea's 2007 GDP per capita? (another drum roll please) ... $24,600! Compare that to US's own, $46,000. Now you see the grim situation there?

Let's not forget the delicious icing on top: the living cost in Korea. The cost of living there is, besides gas, almost as much as, if not more, living in the States. Let me contrast it using something I'm very familiar with: Xbox360. Cost of the box here is $350 for premium version. Cost in Korea? 369,000 Won or $353.5. Cost of World of Warcraft subscription? It's actually higher than here.

So, all these reasons together, I hope you see why I refuse to go back, unless I'm offerred tons and tons of money there, and a promise of having a great life, which, sadly, I don't see happening.

PS. At least the food there is cheaper from what I hear. ...Is that still true?

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

You're Crazy... You're Beautiful.




"There are millions of people in this world.
But in the end, it all comes down to one."

- Nicole, Crazy/Beautiful(2001)




Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Nobody Here


다음주면
귀여웠던,
친해지고 싶었던 동생이
이곳과 작별을 한다.

정말이지,
내가 좋아라 하는 사람들은,
마음에 드는 사람들은
다들 내 곁을 떠나가는 느낌.
언제나 멀리있는 느낌..





Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Kitty (..Or A Spoiled Man-Child)





I'm starting to think that
I am like cat in some ways.

Like cats, I want to be
the center of attention
But only when I want it..
which is pretty much all the time.

But, when I do want attention,
and if I don't get it,
I grow grumpy
like a spoild little boy.

I like being with someone
but not necessarily doing stuff
with someone.

Basically, I want someone to be around
while I do what I do.

Just so I don't feel alone..


Edit: And like cats, I'm cute.
...now you can kill me.





Monday, April 28, 2008

My Life on a List

Stuff I do, or will be doing very soon (not in any particular order):

  • Bass guitar at church choir (2 1/2 hours practice)
  • Mass every Sunday
  • GRE prep for Master's and take it before Fall
  • Kendo 3 times a week, 1 1/2 hours, with Nationals Championship coming July 4th week
  • Work 9 hours + 1 hour-lunch Monday to Thursday, 8 + 1 hours on alternating Fridays, plus occasional (if not permanent-.-) over-time
  • Start working on personal game project...
  • Keep reading stuff (Newsweek, books, etc)
  • Raise a cat!
  • Watch TV Shows (30Rock, etc)
  • Keep blogging and take care of Cyworld MiniHP
  • Play games that I passed on
  • Finish games I started (Odin Sphere, Valkyrie Profile 2, Musashi, and so on)
  • Workout
  • and.... what else?

Am I overloading myself?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Test

Many people feel the need to test their lovers.
They test them to see how deep their love goes,
if they'll betray them, or
how long they'll endure hardship from the relationship.

Should you find yourself doing such thing
to your significant other,
don't expect for that relationship to last.

This is not because the lover will fail the test,
but rather ironically,
it's because it is you
that lacks the first and the fundamentally important basis
of a meaningful relationship--
trust.

You have failed the test yourself,
already.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

That One Night





"...it reminded me how genuinely romatic I was,
how I had so much hope in things,
and now it's like I don't believe in anything that relates to love.
I don't feel things for people anymore.


In a way, I put all my romanticism into that one night
and I was never able to feel all this again.
Somehow this night took things away from me,
and I expressed them to you,
and you took them with you.
It made me feel cold like love wasn't for me."


- Celine, Before Sunset







Sunday, April 13, 2008

각오




"여자친구가 있는데 그런 말하면 안돼.
그런 말은 무언가를 버릴 각오를 하고 말하는거야.
예를 들어 여자친구같은."

- from サエ to カイ, 「Orange Days」





Promise

너를 만나던 건
기억에 남는 시처럼
가끔씩 나에게 떠오르곤 해
잊혀가지만 잊혀질 수가 없었던
나의 얘기라 생각해

다시 만나자던
그 흔한 약속 하나도
정해 놓지 않은 헤어짐들
단 한 번도 내겐 일어나지 않을 것 같던 얘기

너 멀어지면 나는 널 찾고
내가 멀어지면 넌 다가오는
헤어져 살아가는 게 이뤄질 수 없이
영원이란 얘기 속에 살며

내가 만약에
너도 만약에
알 수 없이 멀어져가면
이별하는 날에 서로 다가간다는
그 약속은 기억해주길 바래

- "If" by 부활

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Milkshakes

Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash
Oh, baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes
I'm a delusion angel
I'm a fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Lodged in life
Like branches in a river
Flowing downstream
Caught in the current
I carry you
You'll carry me
That's how it could be
Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?

- "Delusion Angel" by David Jewell, Before Sunrise

Monday, April 7, 2008

My Lead

It is under tremendous stress or urgency when people lowers their guard, or mask, and reveals their ugly side they'd hoped to hide from public's eye's; one of the easiest place to observe a person's naked personality is, obviously, sports. But if sports is not your thing, it's kinda hard to see others real, personal sides.

My team that I currently belong to at work is under a heavy burden of finishing our software within deadline--we only have 2 more weeks. My goodness!--and under allotted budget. I'm actually out on an Air Force base, running and correcting tests and software on the fly with the person I currently look upon the most: my team lead. And because of his utterly obvious involvement and his enthusiasm towards our current project, I cannot think of anyone else who works so hard, and so well.

But I guess even Archilles' had to reveal his weak spot; my team lead, facing hectic schedule and enormous mountain of work, started to let never-before-seen traits out. There are some that I've spotted, but one thing I am most surprised to find out is his frustration with other coworkers we work with.

Yes, everyone has something to say about others, especially those he or she works with. Yet, this came to me as a surprise because he came to me as a person who's only capable of saying great things about others--he provided a fantastic, and thus very unrealistic input about me to my managers that they are so happy with me, and everything he said to me about others at work were only the positives, never even slightest bit negative. Until now, that is. (But he really is a good person still. Just not as much as I once thought he was.)

I guess I am trying to say that I'm still pretty gullible to the image people give out. Thought I was getting better at looking past appearance, but I fail to do so, yet again.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

A Word of Advice

"Never send a mixed message."

Monday, March 31, 2008

Counseling #1

"그 사람만을 위한 희생이라면
언젠가 보상 심리로 서로가 힘들어질 수 있을거고
그 사람 또한 힘들어질 수도 있으니.

사랑이나 인생이나 정답 없기는 마찬가지이지만
정말 자기가 원하는 게 무엇인지 알아야
후회없는 선택을 할 수 있는 것 같아."

내가 진심으로 원하는 것.
내가 희생을 함으로써 얻으려 하는 것은..

무엇?

Unlocked Door

어디선가
한번 마음의 문을 열면
그 열린 문으로 다른 사람이 들어오기가
쉬워진다고 그랬지.

그래서일까?
그 문이 활짝 열린 지금,
나는 또 다른 한분을 더 느끼려 그래.

손으로 만질수 없는,
느낄수 없는, 하지만
내 마음 속에 살아있는
그 존재를 느낄수 있는것 같아.

내가 조금이라도 성숙해 진걸까..?

그래도 나를 이만큼이라도 자라나게 해준 너에게
너를 만난것이, 너를 느낀것이
그분의 뜻이였다고 생각하고
우리, 흘러가는 인연이 아닌
필연이라고 생각하고 있어.

이것이 사람들이 흔히 말하는
미련이고
집착인걸까..?

하지만 난 그때 나 혼자 이 소중한 마음을
느꼈으리라 생각하지 않아.
그렇기에 나의 이 바램이
미련이고 집착이라 생각하지 않는다.

오늘의 힘든 시간의 끝엔
서로의 곁에 다른 사람이 아닌,
우리 둘 서로가 있으리라 믿고 있으니까...

Friday, March 28, 2008

A Simple Question

"Just tell me..
I think you owe it to me.
..Do you want me?

It's just a simple question;
just Yes, or No."


뜻하지 않은 곳에서
내 자신을,
내 마음을 엿보다..

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Fortune Cookie #1

Today's fortune:

Someone is interested in you.
Keep your eyes open.

LOL.

I know this is childish,
but something like this still gets me started.
Like a kid, I become curious and excited.

...Although I wish it was you.

Yes, you!
..and you!
and you,
and you
and you
...and...

..I think that's already more than all of you dear readers.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

My Last 3 Years in 2 Days

I know this is not the time to play around like this, but since yesterday, I've been enjoying my old posts, on this blog and also on my former Naver blog.

And I must say, I'm having a blast..! I didn't realize how long I've been blogging like this--I've went all the way back to summer of 2005, and still going. You'd know how this feels if you ever read stuff you wrote long time ago, be it a note from your class, diary, old letters to or from your loved ones... or even meaningless junks. It feels as if I'm traveling backward in time. All those memories... they are truly priceless.

Anyways, there are quite a few things I realized from reading old posts:

  1. I always wanted to be mature. I still think this, but the burning desire has subsided, although not completely non-existent.
  2. My writing isn't all that bad, although not awesome either.
  3. Some of my writings are very hard to decypher. Did I think hiding true purpose in vague and ambiguous words makes my writing sexy? More often than not, even I myself have hard time understanding what I meant.
  4. Although I did and do get distracted from time to time, on a long enough timeline, I've been looking at one person, and that person only. (And I still do...)
  5. This shoes I'm wearing right now, it's already 3 years old! I seriously need a new pair of shoes.
  6. You've been reading my blog from such a long time ago. Thank you.

Enlightened Scorpion

I just had an epiphany..well sort of one:
I am being an egotistical ass.

Things I've said, I wish I hadn't said those things.
Wish I could turn back time for I just realized
those words could only hurt you.

That was really stupid of me..

I guess I'm a scorpion;

"'Tis in my nature to sting."

Monday, March 24, 2008

In (Need of) Treatment

Story Link

For those of you who didn't catch it from the related story linked here, I'm in a dire need of a therapy. Some dangerous th.. never mind.

But, as I've said in the other post, therapy is basically just an intimate conversation. And so I'm in need of a truthful conversation to unload stuff on my mind. A set of attentive ears and a few drink should do.

But the former is so hard to find...

Longing


I want to be there.
The vibrant city that I so loved
ever since that exhilarating freshmen year.

Will our stance be any different
if I give up everything and make a leap of faith?

Forgive me
but this is all I can think about.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Sign

전해져 주면 좋을텐데
그대가 모르는 곳에서 나도 지금 연주하고 있어
키우지 말아 시들어버린 새싹같은 마음을
두개를 겹쳐 울려내는 harmony
「고마워」와「미안해」를 되풀이해
우리들 사람의 사랑스러움을 나무장난감처럼 태워가

흔하디 흔한 지루한 시간이 사랑스럽게 생각된다면
그것은「사랑의소행」이라며 조그맣게 웃었어
그대가 보여주는 모습 나를 향해있는 신호
이제 그 무엇하나 놓치지않아
그런것을 생각하고 있어

작아도 불이 마음에 피어난다면
소중히 하지 않으면 안된다고 우리들 약속했지
만나게 된 모든것으로부터 보내지는 싸인
무엇하나 놓치지 않겠어
그렇게 해서 살아가보자

- 「Sign」 by Mr.Children

내가 할수 모든거라고는 솔직해 지는 것 뿐.
그분에게 기대는 것 뿐.
나약한 내 자신을 감싸주시는 그분에게
내 모든걸 맞기는 것뿐.

나의 책임감 없는 이런 어리석은 행동이
우리 서로를 힘들게 하더라도
솔직한 내 감정 난 속이지 않을꺼야.

인연에서 필연으로.
앞으로 나아가는 수밖에
그 방법밖에 나는 모르겠어.

나에게 주어지는 이 모든 싸인들.
이제는 무시하지 않을꺼야.

아무리 힘들다고 해도.
아무리 고통스럽다 해도.
지금 이 순간 내가 할수있는건 오직 한가지 뿐..

Friday, March 21, 2008

Selfishness

화내는 너의 기분도 알지만
넌 항상 자기 기분만 생각해

상대방도 기분이 있고
사정이 있고 고민도 있어

살아가는 것이 괴로운건
너 뿐만이 아니야

- from カイ to サエ, 「Orange Days」


이번주는 정말 내 위주로만 생각을 했던것 같아.
나만 괴로워 하는건 아닐텐데...

이제는 잠시 한발짝 물러나
진정해야 할 때..

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Regret

왜이리 어긋나는 걸까.
왜이리 후회만 하는걸까.
그동안 많이 참아 왔다고 생각했는데
왜 이렇게 되어야만 하는 것일까..

마치 선악의 열매를 먹은 아담과 같이
그 탐스럽고 아름다운 열매를 품에 안고
오히려 더 견디기 힘들어져..

시간을 되돌릴수만 있다면,
예전의 그때로 돌아갈수만 있다면,
무엇이든 하고싶다..

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

One More Time..

이 이상 뭘 잃어야 마음을 용서할 수 있을까
어느정도의 고통이여야 다시 한번 널 만날 수 있을까
one more time 계절아 변하지 말아줘
one more time 함께 즐겼던 시간아


일이 안 풀릴땐 언제나 내가 먼저 양보했었지
제멋대로던 성격이 더욱 사랑스러웠어
One more chance 추억에 사로잡혀서
One more chance 다음 갈 길을 찾을 수 없어


쓸쓸함을 숨기는 것 뿐이라면 누구라도 상관없을 텐데
별이 떨어질 듯한 밤이기에 나 자신을 속일 수 없어
One more time 계절이여 바뀌지 않았으면 해
One more time 서로 장난쳤던 시간이여


여름의 추억이 떠오르면 문득 사라진 고통


언제라도 찾고 있어 어딘가에 있는 너의 모습을
새벽 거리의 사쿠라기쵸에서 이런 곳에 올 리가 없는데
소원이 혹시 이루어진다면 지금 바로 너의 곁으로
할 수 없는 건 이제 아무것도 없어
모든 것을 걸고 끌어안아보일게


언제라도 찾고 있어 어딘가에 있는 너의 일부분을
여행지 가게 신문의 한 부분 이런 곳에 있을 리가 없는데
기적이 만약 일어난다면 지금 곧 너에게 보이고 싶어
새로운 아침, 앞으로의 나
말하지 못 했던「좋아해」란 말도


언제라도 찾아 버리게 돼 어딘가에 있는 너의 미소를
급행을 기다리는 철도 건널목 근처 이런 곳에 있을 리가 없는데
다시 태어난다면 몇 번이고 너의 곁으로
갖고 싶은 건 이제 아무것도 없어
너 말고 소중한 것은 아무것도..


「One More Time, One More Chance」 by 山崎まさよし(Yamazaki Masayoshi)

마치 나에게 줄 고통을 예고하듯이
나에게 추천해 주었던,
예전에 느낀적 없었던
그 슬픈 감정을 불어 넣어준
"초속 5Cm"의 주제가..

그때에는 그저 서롭고 안타깝기만 했던.
하지만 이제는 주체할수 없을만큼 고통스러운..

그런...

Monday, March 17, 2008

Thank You


I thought I was fine, that I could live happily here, alone, away from my family and my dear friends... and last weekend changed everything.

I'm not fine. I'm not as happy as I'd like to think. I'm not as independant as I think I am.

...and I certainly wasn't looking for just anybody...

The way I was thinking.. I couldn't be more wrong. I thank God for the weekend. For the friends. For the purest of all...

...Think I'll have confession this weekend.

Silent Words..



The words I wanted to say,
but you're never here to stay...


Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Male Period - No.01

I think I should start recording the days I feel so down, as if there really isn't anything for me in this world, because it seems like it just keeps coming back, like a cycle of some sort. It's like having period, except there really isn't one. Or maybe there is. In my head.

A while ago, someone told me guys also have this mood cycle, just like girls. While it's clearly visible for girls (hint: monthly "magic"), guys do get depressed from time to time without apparent reason. There are some studies that shows this, so I guess it's not all bullshit. (Being a lazy Slowbro I am, I refuse to do a research and varify the source of the said study.) Of course, some may be depressed more than others, depending on testosterone level, presumably, which I suspect I have less of compared to other "normal" guys at athletic clubs. (Should I be ashamed of this?)

Well, if I must think of a reason for this depression, I must draw it upon the existance of love interest around me. When I see cute girls, I get excited. World start looking so bright with pink colors and blinding sunshine. When they start disappearing, or they turn out occupied at the moment, the world becomes mundane, freezing hell. Singing birds go travel, a terrible storm comes and pours heavy, cold rain, and it's winter all over again. (Yes, it's cold today. Yes, of course the only attractive girl at church has a boyfriend, and there's no update on a promised hookup from a couple weeks ago. Awwww... sadness.)

When I was spending my parent's money away in a college in the wonderful city of Chicago, I made a quick poster out of torn out magazine images for some club activity: an opaque, subtly depressing blue background with a conductor waving his arms desperately towards it, as if to make it brighter or lift the depressing feeling. (It was very artistic. No, really.) Exactly what I feel now. I must have been feeling the same even in my freshmen year. ... That's even more depressing.

...But I told you, it's the hormone. It's not me. Or girls, or rather, lack of girls. I swear.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Be My Inspiration...But No More.

Surfing through friends' webpages, I see many expressing their distress, hardship, and loneliness time to time. Yes, everyone has those moments--I certainly do, if not too often--however, I find even those those who come to me as very attractive and bright personalities leading very meaningful lives showing small, little wishes to go, or be taken, somewhere afar. Being someone who defines others almost exclusively by what meets the eye, those, more often than not, come to me as surprises.

And a surprise is always followed by some kind of reaction; wanting them to stay how they were and continue to be my inspirations, I instantly bear this intense desire to be a necessary help to them...even if that means becoming someone more than just a friend.

And that is my unforgivable, selfish, irresponsible greed; I want them to be just my inspirations, but never my burden. So, I am already planning for a convenient, yet brutal, exit. At the moment they stops giving me a reason to see this world as a wonderful place, I turn around. And walk away.

Ultimately, all I want is to be inspired. Inspired to stay free. Be whatever I wish to be.. And keep my options, as many as possible.

...and it is time for me to stop.

Monday, February 18, 2008

My Sacrifice

Hmm, now that I think about it, it's already third week? second week? into Lent. The time that is to be used looking back, thinking about Jesus' sacrifice, and sacrificing something we hold dear in those 40 days. What should I sacrifice? What is the thing I hold so close to my heart?

In 40 Days, 40 Nights, the character Josh played gave up sex and masturbation. Should I? Hmm, well, I don't have sex--there isn't anyone to have sex..not now anyways--and my life certainly doesn't revolve around masturbation; I certainly am not a sexholic. (Also, that character has semi-sex during Lent. So he didn't actually keep his word.)

Anyways, so, what should I give up? There are certainly plain, little objects people give up, and I assume it's mostly for fun; chocolate, candy, ice cream, meat, movies, and so on. I suppose I can give up those trivial stuff, but I really don't give a shit about them, so that won't be so meaningful. Not only that, it won't be much of a help to myself, either--I want to seize this chance and discipline myself at the same time.

So, I decided to sacrifice my laziness. Wake up early, and get out of the bed soon after waking up, try not to have idle moments--Oh, how sweet is it to day dream. If you think I'm not really sacrificing anything, you don't know me. Trust me, I really do love lying on my cozy bed, doing nothing, stay in idle position and so on. So, let's see if I can make a habbit out of this....

Amen? Amen!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Love's In The Air?


Found on Veronica Belmont's Blog

Happy Valentine's Day, people!

...No? You're single and it aches at your heart?
You poor thing... try this instead:

At least you're not getting kicked in... that place. :P

What? I'm not helping? Damn, such a whiny..... ...Try this:

Yes... learn to be alone like our poor Pyro! Hellooooo!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

A Very Depressing Contemplation of Desire for the Ultimate Frailty


I had a dream last night, where a girl I met at church quite a long ago appeared. At the time, she looked gorgeous. Donning shiny, long hair that reminds its admirers of silk, fashionable and eloquant, yet elegant choice of pieces accented by a tasteful selection of shimmering jewelry, soft cover of makeups emphasizing her angelic smile... ah, yes, she was very chic, indeed. Such quality of hers elavated that very being to a higher class than I am, if such thing exists today. But in the dream, she didn't have that quality of "higher class". Rather, she was just a little bit more down to Earth, plain looking--she wasn't as decorated with trinkets and cloth pieces as I remember (not that she appeared nude, althought that certainly wouldn't be unwelcomed). She might have gotten a bit less "tight" (not that she gained weight). Appearing as though someone I can feel more close to, I could comfortably smile at her.

The point of my telling of this dream is that I was again reminded of how pitifully gullible to superficiality I am. We all are inclined to, or even bound to, be dictated by the "image" we call appearance, however, it is certainly worse in my case. When she was looking splendid, I treated her as though she belonged in a completely different realm; someone to be praised but not to be close to, almost like a deity. The very second she wasn't so exquisitely decorated, albeit a dream, I was able to be comfortable next to her. She was reduced to another simple human being, of whom I could approach.

This is not to say that I don't want someone like her. I do, in fact, get all jolly and merry if such person shows even the slightest intention to graciously acknowledge my presence. The moment she opens her mouth to create a beautiful wave of music to address me, nothing more do I or can I desire! ..even if that was to talk to someone residing beside me. Anyways, even with that hunger for such beauty, the fear of chasing such a noble presence away by my meager status vastly exceeds my yearning for her. Instead, I hide my tail and distance myself as far as, and as fast as, possible from her before she'd lift the heavy smoke curtain I have employed to hinder her eventual but inevitable, dissappointing discovery of my true self; an egotistical, yet self-flagellating, ignorant rabble, who requires a constant look-up of a thesauraus to write even a tiny note on his un-inspiring blog in a futile attempt to sound a bit more intellectual, of which he has none. The facinating thing is that my abundant capability of exhibiting anal-retentive obstinacy has let me hold still the very desire that drives me crazy and into abyss called misery. It's more closely aligned with being suicidal than being plain pathetic. This is a long and lonely road to "unhappily ever-after" kind of life, of which there is no atonement for the unforgivable character flaw, or even a flicker in my mind to resist such vicious progression, which my entire existance is built upon.

And here I am, crying out loud, like a man-child, expressing a never-to-be-satisfied greed for beauty, while trying to cover up my synapse-deprieved brain with bloated words. But as they say, the first step to recovery is acceptance. Now that I have accepted my embarassing character flaw, maybe it will only get better from here on out? Sadly, the answer to that self-serving question is a resounding 'NO'. Thanks to my already-failing memory--I just turned 24, yet my brain-age is that of 80s! (Measured by Brain Age for Nintendo DS. Brain Age and DS are trademarks of Nintendo Company, Ltd.)--I am bound to repeat the disgusting glut I have written above. Whatever it was for.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Say Hello to Crunch-Time!

By Tom Richmond of Tom's MAD Blog

I guess I should have anticipated this when I signed up to work here: every programmer's friend, the dreaded crunch time. During this week's team meeting, my boss, who doesn't join us normally, has payed a visit to state how imperative it is for us to do whatever possible to deliver our product on time--by early-May deadline. With our projected schedule progress predicting a deadline slip by appalling an month-delay, it is the management's hope to cram everything into these few months to be on-time.

What this means is a mandatory 20% overtime every single week until we release this thing, and that's 8-hours of OT every week. (That's 104 extra hours!) While this nets me more money to pay my bills, but... being forced to do OT, which is supposed to be voluntary, it's not all merry and glory to me. And it also implies no days off until the delivary date. Oops! Bye-bye, New Orleans.. :(

Anyways, back to work....

Crunch
crunch
crunch

Friday, February 1, 2008

Maybe

Maybe. There may not be anyone that's good from the beginning.

...or maybe it's that person who excels from the start to beware of.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

It Was Like...An Ordinary Day + Alpha


For those of you who forgot, it was my birthday yesterday. (I'm staring at you... yes, you!) I generally don't like making announcement about my birthday in advance, because it feels like I'm asking for presents. Rather, I like telling people on that day, just so it won't go by too much like "just another day". So, the day came and went without anything too exceptional.


So, when I told some people at Kendo practice that it was my birthday yesterday, we ended up going to one of those people's house late that night, chatting and having few drinks. Although there wasn't any present or a cake (yes... it was a lie!), at least I got to have nice dinner and a few drinks, even if it was Tuesday night.


I ended up going to bed at 4 and come to work a bit after 10 today, an hour later than usual. (I went to bed at 4 yesterday. Kinda funny... considering none of us--five, to be exact--minded drinking on weekday.)


So... where's my present?!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Home, Foreign Home

What does it mean when two short weeks spent somewhere else felt more like home than where I have lived for past four months?

Yes, I have lived in that other place for more eight long years before moving here, but the foreign sensation I had when I arrived back here still exists. It felt so distant; it felt like all the other places I went past driving here, but certainly not like a destination, where my home is.

If the thought of coming back home doesn't arouse joy in me, if going to work every morning doesn't excite me but rather makes my eye wide shut, am I in wrong place, wasting my precious time of youth?

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

My Time is Almost Up

My vacation time is coming to an end. I am planning on leaving this Friday, or maybe Saturday, depending on how I feel.

Funny thing is that now that I had one full week and few days of vacation, I kind of think it was a bit too long for a rookie who've worked only four months before this vacation; I am already too used to living like this, without worrying about getting up early, spending time with family and friends, and not having to spend most of my time in a little cubicle.. This is the life I used to live up until last August, and I love it.

Think this vacation was too long because now I need to get myself disciplined yet again. sigh...