Saturday, September 27, 2008

It's a Simple Thing. So Forget.

I had a dream last night. A dream that escaped my memories.. but one small thing from it suddenly came back this afternoon.

The dream awakened the feeling, the honest and pure feeling of excitement, happiness, this feeling of butterfly in my stomach, something that brings smile on my face... for no good reason.

Yes, this is the feeling that I long for. Yes, this is what's been missing in my life. From some time ago, I don't know when, but maybe since I learned to measure people, I've never felt this feeling.

There certainly have been times when it came close. Yes. But even then, I didn't lose myself. I was calculating and weighing, constantly, in my head.

Will that day when I forget myself and enjoy the moment come? Will she?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Living several hundred miles away from rest of the family apparently leads each other to grow apart. It's not that they stop to love each other, but each other's problems start to look like someone else's problems. Well, maybe not completely, but to some degrees, I think it's true. It certainly is in my case. Yesterday, I was again reminded of how screwed my family's situation is, something I honestly haven't been thinking about for awhile.

I know every family has its own problem to overcome, but I think it's especially challenging for my family; things just doesn't change, no, we don't change. We keep refusing to accept our fault and arrogance, and always try to work around it without going into the root of all evil and work our way up from there. This is like figuring out how not to fall when you pull tablecloth out, all the while you are standing right on top of it. No, it's more like figuring out how not to look like a fool while doing all that.

I may be at fault for not genuinly inclined to help them in every possible way, or even for not being with them when the shit hits the fan, but, I just can't throw myself in the way of the filth, just to let them deny their inevitable hard decision a little bit longer.

I just can't bring myself to do it when all I see from them is ... refusal to accept the real help.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I Wish...

Days seem especially short these days now that I'm in the middle of packing and moving boxes to the new apartments.

And I hate it.

I really wish I had more time after work, about 4 hours more, just to chill and relax. But the reality is cruel. I have to get at least 6 hours of sleep to function the next day. I really wish I had a super power--a supernatural power to function at 100% with no sleep.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


I realize now that I am trying to fill the emtpiness in me with the "high" from buying needless things.

I constantly look up web-stores, trying to see who has the best deal on something I don't need right now.

I have a long list of "buy list" compiled and always look it up, update and edit it whenever I need a distraction.

I almost always think about what to buy after work; I have to make a constant effort to stop myself from driving toward CircuitCity.

No wonder I am not saving any money these days...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Where Art Thou?

"I've lost inspiration."

When I uttered those words to my friend, I finally realized, I don't have anything to look forward to, nothing that makes me feel full, happy, and not a waste. I've lost my purpose; the reason of my existance.

I'm yet to find it. My search goes on, and my hope dwindles. I hope there is someone out there...

There is someone out there, right?
Anyone there? Hello?

Monday, September 8, 2008

"We Live In A Cynical, Cynical World."

There are a lot of things I promised myself not to do, even if everyone else around me seems to do be doing them. One of those is smoking, which I have been keeping it very well, and another is to respond to others' romances in genuine, non-cynical way, to kindly embrace them as sincere happiness that should be celebrated. But lately, I am finding myself doing exactly the opposite.

It's been more than two full years since I've had someone to call my own, and my attitude towards others' affairs has changed dramatically in that short, but oh-so-freak'n-long period of solitude. While I used to be happy to see someone in relationship, now I see them and always find something to frown upon.

Once, I was introduced to a boyfriend of this girl at church. I was told of their story along with it, how they once hooked up and then broke up under stress and pressure from the girl's parents--the boyfriend didn't get higher education. You know how that is to parents. (And honestly, to me, too.) Anyways, now that they somehow got over all the obstacles, they are back together. Because she appeared to me as someone who'd get along with Sex And The City girls very well--meaning she seems to carefully examine guys with worldly measurements much more so than her own feeling and what not--I was very surprised by her dedication to someone who doesn't even have a decent resume to show. So, cheers to a happy ending.

Or not.

It was about a month after I first met the guy. After church and after I've greeted the couple, I was on my way to my car, and vrooom, here goes the girl in her boyfriend's car, 2008 BMW Z4 convertible with open top. Instantly, all my good thoughts of them evaporated. I started thinking, 'Did she hung onto him because of that?' 'Maybe her "love" towards him isn't so innocent.' And even, 'Man, they're showing off. Sky isn't even clear to have the hood top open like that.'

I know, it may not have anything to do with her decision to get back with him. It may not. But the point is, I don't see it that way. I would have, if it were a couple years ago. But not now. If her now-boyfriend didn't have something to show, I doubt they'd been back together.

There are many other cases that are more or less like this, but those are for another time.

PS. I promise you, my change of heart towards them have nothing to do with the favorable comments she had made towards me before she got back to her boyfriend. Really.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Bombs Away!

I just finished bidding, as they call it here, for another position within this company. It is like back in the summer of 2007, when I was biting my nails, waiting for any response from hiring managers. Boy, wasn't that a frustrating time? And I'm here doing it all over again, trying to find something that inspires me greatly, to keep me involved and motivated.

This is not to say that my current job sucks. I do believe I have grown much in this short time. But at the same time, I could've done much better. If I were more disciplined, I would've applied myself to work infinitely more, and be more involved in the team work, and also in meeting and familiarizing people who occupy the neighboring cubies.

And now that I think about it, it's been already a year since I've left my former home. Doesn't time go faster by day? It makes me wanna go back to school, just to slow time down. But we all know that's not true; time will constantly accelerate, no matter what we do. It's like the fundamental property of this world...or something. I'm sure my good friend can tell you the same. Well, in a year, he will say what I said here, that school doesn't slow time down.

Anyways, what makes this job transfer process more thrilling is that I haven't talked about this to anyone, yet. That includes my boss, too. You may say this is no-brainer, as looking for another job behind your boss'es back is a common sense in this cold and brutal business world. But the thing is, the way this company works is that when and if I am selected for an interview, they, meaning HR, I assume, will send a notification to my boss! This puts me in a nice and comfy position where I am constantly debating with myself, whether or not to tell my boss about what I am up to.

So, if I do tell my boss, I will not be seen as a backstabbing bastard. Or at least, not as much. But what if I do tell him, and then I am not selected to be interviewed? Then I'll be forever held as a betrayer-wannabe who just couldn't.

Ah, I just hope this uncomfy time just goes by, real fast.