Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Be My Inspiration...But No More.

Surfing through friends' webpages, I see many expressing their distress, hardship, and loneliness time to time. Yes, everyone has those moments--I certainly do, if not too often--however, I find even those those who come to me as very attractive and bright personalities leading very meaningful lives showing small, little wishes to go, or be taken, somewhere afar. Being someone who defines others almost exclusively by what meets the eye, those, more often than not, come to me as surprises.

And a surprise is always followed by some kind of reaction; wanting them to stay how they were and continue to be my inspirations, I instantly bear this intense desire to be a necessary help to them...even if that means becoming someone more than just a friend.

And that is my unforgivable, selfish, irresponsible greed; I want them to be just my inspirations, but never my burden. So, I am already planning for a convenient, yet brutal, exit. At the moment they stops giving me a reason to see this world as a wonderful place, I turn around. And walk away.

Ultimately, all I want is to be inspired. Inspired to stay free. Be whatever I wish to be.. And keep my options, as many as possible.

...and it is time for me to stop.

Monday, February 18, 2008

My Sacrifice

Hmm, now that I think about it, it's already third week? second week? into Lent. The time that is to be used looking back, thinking about Jesus' sacrifice, and sacrificing something we hold dear in those 40 days. What should I sacrifice? What is the thing I hold so close to my heart?

In 40 Days, 40 Nights, the character Josh played gave up sex and masturbation. Should I? Hmm, well, I don't have sex--there isn't anyone to have sex..not now anyways--and my life certainly doesn't revolve around masturbation; I certainly am not a sexholic. (Also, that character has semi-sex during Lent. So he didn't actually keep his word.)

Anyways, so, what should I give up? There are certainly plain, little objects people give up, and I assume it's mostly for fun; chocolate, candy, ice cream, meat, movies, and so on. I suppose I can give up those trivial stuff, but I really don't give a shit about them, so that won't be so meaningful. Not only that, it won't be much of a help to myself, either--I want to seize this chance and discipline myself at the same time.

So, I decided to sacrifice my laziness. Wake up early, and get out of the bed soon after waking up, try not to have idle moments--Oh, how sweet is it to day dream. If you think I'm not really sacrificing anything, you don't know me. Trust me, I really do love lying on my cozy bed, doing nothing, stay in idle position and so on. So, let's see if I can make a habbit out of this....

Amen? Amen!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Love's In The Air?

Found on Veronica Belmont's Blog

Happy Valentine's Day, people!

...No? You're single and it aches at your heart?
You poor thing... try this instead:

At least you're not getting kicked in... that place. :P

What? I'm not helping? Damn, such a whiny..... ...Try this:

Yes... learn to be alone like our poor Pyro! Hellooooo!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

A Very Depressing Contemplation of Desire for the Ultimate Frailty

I had a dream last night, where a girl I met at church quite a long ago appeared. At the time, she looked gorgeous. Donning shiny, long hair that reminds its admirers of silk, fashionable and eloquant, yet elegant choice of pieces accented by a tasteful selection of shimmering jewelry, soft cover of makeups emphasizing her angelic smile... ah, yes, she was very chic, indeed. Such quality of hers elavated that very being to a higher class than I am, if such thing exists today. But in the dream, she didn't have that quality of "higher class". Rather, she was just a little bit more down to Earth, plain looking--she wasn't as decorated with trinkets and cloth pieces as I remember (not that she appeared nude, althought that certainly wouldn't be unwelcomed). She might have gotten a bit less "tight" (not that she gained weight). Appearing as though someone I can feel more close to, I could comfortably smile at her.

The point of my telling of this dream is that I was again reminded of how pitifully gullible to superficiality I am. We all are inclined to, or even bound to, be dictated by the "image" we call appearance, however, it is certainly worse in my case. When she was looking splendid, I treated her as though she belonged in a completely different realm; someone to be praised but not to be close to, almost like a deity. The very second she wasn't so exquisitely decorated, albeit a dream, I was able to be comfortable next to her. She was reduced to another simple human being, of whom I could approach.

This is not to say that I don't want someone like her. I do, in fact, get all jolly and merry if such person shows even the slightest intention to graciously acknowledge my presence. The moment she opens her mouth to create a beautiful wave of music to address me, nothing more do I or can I desire! ..even if that was to talk to someone residing beside me. Anyways, even with that hunger for such beauty, the fear of chasing such a noble presence away by my meager status vastly exceeds my yearning for her. Instead, I hide my tail and distance myself as far as, and as fast as, possible from her before she'd lift the heavy smoke curtain I have employed to hinder her eventual but inevitable, dissappointing discovery of my true self; an egotistical, yet self-flagellating, ignorant rabble, who requires a constant look-up of a thesauraus to write even a tiny note on his un-inspiring blog in a futile attempt to sound a bit more intellectual, of which he has none. The facinating thing is that my abundant capability of exhibiting anal-retentive obstinacy has let me hold still the very desire that drives me crazy and into abyss called misery. It's more closely aligned with being suicidal than being plain pathetic. This is a long and lonely road to "unhappily ever-after" kind of life, of which there is no atonement for the unforgivable character flaw, or even a flicker in my mind to resist such vicious progression, which my entire existance is built upon.

And here I am, crying out loud, like a man-child, expressing a never-to-be-satisfied greed for beauty, while trying to cover up my synapse-deprieved brain with bloated words. But as they say, the first step to recovery is acceptance. Now that I have accepted my embarassing character flaw, maybe it will only get better from here on out? Sadly, the answer to that self-serving question is a resounding 'NO'. Thanks to my already-failing memory--I just turned 24, yet my brain-age is that of 80s! (Measured by Brain Age for Nintendo DS. Brain Age and DS are trademarks of Nintendo Company, Ltd.)--I am bound to repeat the disgusting glut I have written above. Whatever it was for.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Say Hello to Crunch-Time!

By Tom Richmond of Tom's MAD Blog

I guess I should have anticipated this when I signed up to work here: every programmer's friend, the dreaded crunch time. During this week's team meeting, my boss, who doesn't join us normally, has payed a visit to state how imperative it is for us to do whatever possible to deliver our product on time--by early-May deadline. With our projected schedule progress predicting a deadline slip by appalling an month-delay, it is the management's hope to cram everything into these few months to be on-time.

What this means is a mandatory 20% overtime every single week until we release this thing, and that's 8-hours of OT every week. (That's 104 extra hours!) While this nets me more money to pay my bills, but... being forced to do OT, which is supposed to be voluntary, it's not all merry and glory to me. And it also implies no days off until the delivary date. Oops! Bye-bye, New Orleans.. :(

Anyways, back to work....


Friday, February 1, 2008


Maybe. There may not be anyone that's good from the beginning.

...or maybe it's that person who excels from the start to beware of.