Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Why Me?

Recently, I was reminded of a childhood friend from all the way back in a Korean elementary school, by meeting a person with the same name. She wasn't really a close friend to be remembered. But I remember her existence anyways and will probably never forget.

It's not that she was gorgeous in any ways; she wasn't. She may have been prettier than the norm, but at my age, I was more interested in horsing around and creating trouble than in girls.

Instead, I remember her for what she did; she nominated me for that year's classroom president. (This is not the regular class president that you may think of. In Korean school structure, each grade is divided into several "rooms", where each room acts as a tight organization. They study in same classroom for the most of the time, share same assigned teacher, and, of course, elect a president and officers of that room to take care of itself.)

It was totally out of the blue. I was, and still am, very uninterested when it comes to taking up responsibility of a social organization and the power that comes from taking a position such as a president. I was never interested in any school-related issues, nor of us students. Heck, I never even cared for a good grade. As long as I had some friends to wreck havoc with, I was golden. Even at the moment she nominated me, I was buy chit-chatting with a nearby friend and not paying attention. On top of that, she wasn't even one of my close friend as I've mentioned before. The only thing I remember her is studying piano under the same teacher.

After all these years, I am still curious the reason behind her decision to nominate me. Why? What was she thinking? And what did she see in me (if she did at all)?

PS. The election result? Do I even need to tell you? I never held such position until I was forced to take such position in college. Let's leave it at that.

Life without Life

As all of you might have noticed (I say "all" since there are only a handful who visit here), I haven't been updating this blog for a long, long time. 'Tis not because of my intentional decision, but rather of the lack of inspiration. I haven't been able to think straight or feel something in me to talk about. My mind is hazy and out of focus, and I live as if I've lost my purpose in this life.


Now that I've said that, I really feel like I've lost the purpose. I have lost the source of inspiration. I no longer feel the calling. What has happened, I do not know.

One thing I do know, however, is that this is not where I belong. This mundane and senseless daily life of an office worker is not something I asked for. I hope someone can do something to me, so I can get up and start walking again.

Would you kindly?

Friday, November 20, 2009

let's go

the only thing you have to do
is to be true to yourself
and not let anyone else make decisions for you

this is your life

it is time to take the driver's seat of this car,
still with full tank,
and go wherever you wish to go

Step on the gas

let's begin our journey

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Healthcare thingy..

Reading Roger Ebert's blog post about the current situation with our Healthcare got me to think about what'd be the best solution for the issue once again.

You know, what if there is a plan where it's very affordable to everyone, but requires the subscriber to get every preventative care the plan requires, as well as excercise and eat healthy food? Well, the last part is too invasive, and yes, I'm just thinking out loud here, but I really think America should focus more on preventative care, as well as eating and staying healthy, rather than soley focusing on treating illness.

If there is a plan like this, I'd get it, and start getting preventative cares. And start exercising.

Yes, I just want someone to push me to start taking care of myself. But I think most Americans are like that, too. Sitting on the couch, looking at all those pretty models on TV and think, 'man, only if I tried, I'd be someone like that, too.'

Anyways, whichever Healthcare model they end up with, I hope it's something that's good for everyone.

Monday, September 28, 2009


Or when this little game titled Final Fantasy XIII is available here in North America. Just look at this trailer at the bottom and try to say "I don't want this game." I bet you'll fail miserably.

I know that this game is coming to Xbox360 outside of Japan, but as the devs kept telling us, it is simply out of question to include Japanese voice track on DVDs for this game. It does not have enough space to hold all that, unless dozens of discs are to be used.

This, and Korean subtitle is all I'm asking for. Or maybe, with PS3 being region free, I'll get an Asian copy that comes with Korean subtitle. Woo, just thinking about that makes me all giddy.

Following is the new FFXIII trailer shown at Tokyo Game Show 2009. It's long, beautiful, and dramatic. Enjoy~!

PS. Watching this trailer makes me wonder, what if FFXIII was instead a movie, or DVD movie release like Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children? It'll take considerably less time to enjoy everything it has to offer, probably have better storytelling... Just a thought.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

It's All About Skills

Here is a list of required/desired skills a game development company is looking for at this time. This list is for a Software Tool Developer position at one of the better known studios.

I post it up here as a reminder to myself how much work I really have. Working at a stable job, it's easy to forget what is out there, and how far behind I actually am. As this listing shows, I truly worth nothing.

I've got a loooong way to go, and I better get my act straight and start pushing myself forward towards my dream job...


  • 3-5 years of professional games experience
  • C++, C#, and C++/CLI expertise
  • Experience in creating the following PC applications: level editor (actor
    placement, navigation meshes, particles, boundary regions, etc), art prototype
    catalogue/database, animation/cinematic editor, material/shader editor, plugins,
    build tools, data messaging tools, lighting tools
  • Experience using the following technologies: Maya Plug-in API, SQL, OpenGL,
    Ability to design, author, and maintain complex tools used in
    different parts of the production pipeline

Bonus Skills

  • Experience using DCC applications (3DStudio/Maya/Photoshop/XSI/...)
  • Knowledge of scripting languages (Python/MelScript/Lua/VBScript.)
  • GUI art/design skills

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A Confession

My name is Peter Park. I am a software engineer at a huge US defense contractor. I am getting paid pretty well, even more so with recent promotion to "Software Engineer" from a "Software Engineer Associate." My job security with this company is tremendously stable, even in this God-forsaken economy. And the work schedule is very flexible--I get every other Fridays off. The job also provides numerous benefits, like a retirement savings plan, health benefit, and even a corporate discount on my cell phone service.

And I am very unhappy with my work.

The work I do is extremely dull. It involves looking at documents for hours after hours. (For instance, for the past two months, all I've been working on are a mere couple of documents and nothing else. And I do mean absolutely nothing else.) My work here is a tiniest part of the overarching program. And the program, as a whole, moves at a glacial pace--it's a same damn aircraft for past 50 years. My typical day involves sitting, staring at the screen, typing in a few character, slacking, eating lunch at my desk all-day-long, and... that's about it. Not much of interaction with coworkers, impromptu meeting with my task lead or team lead, phone calls...

On top of this--probably the worst part of it all--no matter how hard I slack, no one (not even a manager) bothers to drop in and say that I need to step up and start performing! You might think that they may know how I'm working, and that someday, I will get hammered for this, but actually, I was commended for the work I've put into the team effort. ... So, apparently, they do think I'm working hard like a worker bee in my little cube.

Everyday at work, I constantly think about 'what if' scenarios: 'What if I chose different major at college?' 'What if I wasn't working as an engineer?' 'What if I was at a different, a smaller company?' I always think of a place where my work is more dynamic, challenging, busy, and where I get along well with my coworkers, probably making a few friends as well. (Most of the employees here are in their retirement years, and rest in their 40s or at least with families and kids. I feel so left out.) Sometimes, I even look up job listings at some companies I would like to work at... The only thing that's holding me off is the possibility that any other places may be just like this place where it's dull and slow with tons of red tapes and processes.

Clock is slowly ticking. With it, it's taking my life away. But I'm not too mad at it about this moment. I just want this day to end, so I can go home and enjoy my time away from this hole.

My name is Peter Park. And I am a slacker and a daydreamer.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Being Free

이젠 자존심을 좀 죽이고 원하는 것이 있으면 눈치보지 않고 그저 마음가는 대로 행동하고 싶다. 쪽팔린다고, 하찮은 것을 좋아하며 실실대는 것이 자존심 상한다고 정말 좋아하는 것을 마다하고 쿨 한척 하는건 더이상 건강에 나쁜것 같기도 하고, 답답하기도 하다. 이젠 더이상 주위 상관 안하고, 너무 깊히 생각하지 않고 그저 원하는 대로, 마음가는 대로 하며 살아가고 싶다...

솔직히 맨날 귀찮다, 게을러서 어쩐다 하지만, 정말 생각해 보면 나를 묶어두는 것은 게으름이 아니라 이놈의 존심인것 같다. 이쓸데없는 놈 때문에 노래방에서 노래도 잘 안부르고, 신나는 노래가 나와도 춤도 안추고, 보고있으면 어느새 실실 거리는 내 모습이 싫어서 괜한 최신 가수/아이돌 욕하고... 그러면서 알아듣지도 못하는, 재미없고 따분한 "명작" 영화를 찾아 본다거나 하는건 정말 위선적인 것 같다. (뭐, 그렇다고 지금까지 열광하던 것들이 사실은 그런 척 했다는건 아니다..)

앞으로는 너무 쪽팔려하거나 부끄러워 하지 않고, 내세울건 내놓고, 좋은건 좋아하며 시원시원하게 살고싶다.

PS. 결국 하고싶은 말은... 나도 소녀시대가 좋다는 말. ㅋㅋㅋ
요즘 매일같이 Genie를 보며 좋아라 하고있다.
심지어 소시가 나온 프로그램도 찾아 보고있다!!
ㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎ... 아, 자제해야지..

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Commencement II

Being an irresponsible adult (it feels weird to use this word on myself), I always find myself slacking at my desk, each and every day at work. This is weird because after each unproductive work day, I always feel awful for what I've done, and make a promise with myself to put in more effort and be productive next day. Of course, such resolve doesn't last even a day; I return to work the next day, only to dive right into internet, and surf, surf, and surf a little more.

Well, at least I do feel bad about this, right? At least I'm not comfortable living like this. If I were, I'd be utterly hopeless.

But then again, I'm not really showing any sign of improvement. As soon as I get some work done, I fall back to slacking. I think I'm just waiting for something or someone to break me out of this poisonous habbit.

And I think I am about to get that medicine, soon.

The thing is, soon, I will be "loaned" to another team across the hall because of some complication at work. (Which, I have to say, was cause by my fickleness.) And that team is headed by some ex-military, hard-liner, white male ...guys, it looks like I will be put up to some harsh tasking. I will be given a task, a deadline, and nothing more. And by the deadline, I "better get it done," one of the more friendly guy tells me.

I guess it was more of how he said it to me that made me wary of what I'm about to get into--you know, the kind of heavy and forceful talk you hear coming out of military guys. Couple that with all the rumor I've heard about the team's lead being someone "hard to work with" (not because he's a weirdo, but because he's relentless about schedule and productivity) and you may know why I am troubled and became rather worried. (And I'm not expecting you to feel sorry about this. I'm not.)

The bottom line is, come next month, I'll be thrown into the light where I will no longer find some shadow to hide in and horse around. Well, I guess this is for the better; I will have to work harder, and probably this will carry me further than slacking hard.

The next chapter of my still young career is about to commence.

Friday, June 19, 2009

At the end of the journey,

there must be Heaven, right?

He must have gone to Heaven...

He must be next to God, along with his mother...

Yes, he's in a better place...

Monday, June 15, 2009


I guess it's that time again.
I'm feeling... left out.
My heart is again swirling with thoughts of defeat:
I don't belong here.
I don't belong here.


When will I finally find a place I can call my own?
Where is my home?

I know these feelings are not me.
These are just feelings.
They're not myself.
I'm not feeling.
I'm more than just feeling....

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


When I love something, there is a reason. When I enjoy spending my time on something, there is a reason. And it is this: I learn from them. Not learning anything, but of human, of ourselves.

It doesn't have to be a bloated, mouthful cluster-fuck akin to Ghost in the Shell. It can be as simple as a ... fairy tale. A cartoon that remotely relates to the world we live in. Or even a dumb sci-fi extravaganza, that is Battlestar Galactica.

This desire to satiate my thirst for something human goes beyond my entertainment preference. It also applies to pretty much everything else: my work, my readings, friends, acquaintances, and relationships.

And this is one thing I will not compromise.

Sympathy for...

There's a small book that I've been slowly digesting lately. It has given me many insights on why I was suffering from things that I do, and what I could do about it.

One of those things is that while I may cry about my various faults alot, I might not want to fix those shortcomings; I might be doing what I do just to be comforted, and feel my friends' sympathy towards me.

I give my thanks to all of you who've tried and been trying to lend me a helping hand and moral support. Now that I got my wake-up call, I guess I'll actually try to get better now.

Friday, May 8, 2009


Recently, a certain individual (or two to be more accurate) caused a small light to go off in my head: I can no longer make friends. From surface, it seems everything's just fine; I'm leading a happy happy life with many new friends and even a girl friend.

But the thing is, well, with the exception of my girl, I don't feel that close to anyone around me. Even when I'm laughing, chatting and cracking small jokes, behind my mask I am instinctively drawing a line that I will not let that person to cross. If I feel like I'm getting closer to that person, if I feel as if I will cross that imaginary line, I somehow turn my head away, make an excuse, and start growing apart from that person. I don't call that person. I try to end conversation. I stop relating to that person.

This behavior has been so apparent lately. Anywhere, anytime I'm with someone--say coworker, church friends, kendo people, whatever--I usually don't speak much. I really can't say something that's relevant, something that echoes with people around me. I'm usually in my own world, thinking about stuff that matters to me.

I remember that I used to be able to befriend people quite easily. What happen to that 'me'? Am I incapable of social life anymore?

PS. Somehow I think this is related to my love towards game. But that's for a seperate post.

Monday, April 27, 2009


I don't know. I think I'm losing reason for spending my life in this part of the world. As time flows, more I feel like I'm drifting away from the face of the earth... like losing the touch with what's around me.

I want to go somewhere I feel safe, welcomed, protected, and ... loved.

And I've begun to doubt here is it.


Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Room Available!

Now I need to search for yet another roommate.

The pain begins...

Friday, April 17, 2009


I recently came across a blog post about voice acting in games, which mentions an important aspect of acting:

" actor's devotion to playing the Oscar Meyer Weiner isn't terribly different from his devotion to playing Hamlet. Two radically different styles, but each requires 100% commitment. Anything less in either role - even the smallest bit of self-consciousness - and you're left with awkward floundering."
- "Voicing concern," by Micheal Abbott, The Brainy Gamer

Having been traumatically humiliated in an abysmal skit a few weekends ago at my church retreat, I felt a lightening hit me when I read the above lines. It's precisely what I failed at: forgetting self-consciousness for the duration of the skit and immerse myself in the role. So, I did something a performer should never, ever do in front of an audience: freeze.

This self-consciousness has cost me, and is prohibiting me, from enjoying a lot of things. I can't have fun at kareoke. I can't dance in fear of humiliating myself. I don't dare to give any presentation--this is really devastating in workplace. And most critically, I simply can't enjoy a company.

Yes, this must be why I have impossibly hard time befriending anyone. If you're afraid to really act honestly, genuinely true to your mind, how can you share anything?


I may seem like I'm thinking too much and too often, but I really can't help it. I need a good shrink who'd get me out of this sh*thole. Or I'll implode at some point.

Friday, April 10, 2009

절실한 통회심

Here's a excerpt from a weekly bulletin from my church. I'm copying it here because it just clicked with me. It's something I really needed.

Hope you find it helpful, too:

  1. 우리는 마음이 경솔하고 우리의 과실을 게을리 살피는 까닭에 우리 영혼의 병고를 깨닫지 못하며, 울어야 마땅할 터인데 가끔 쓸데없이 웃고 지낸다. 하느님을 두려워하는 마음과 양심의 평화를 얻기 전에는 참된 자유도 없고 착한 즐거움도 있을 수 없다. 온갖 분심거리를 멀리 피하여 거룩히 통회심을 발할만큼 수습하는 사람은 복된다. 자기의 양심을 더럽히거나 거북하게 할 만한 모든 것을 피하고 버리는 사람은 복되다. 사내답게 싸워라. 습관은 습관으로 이기게 된다. 네가 사람들을 끊어 버릴 줄을 알면 사람들이 네가 하고자 하는 바를 하도록 내버려 두리라.

  2. 너는 다른 사람들에 관한 일에 상관치 말고 윗사람의 일에 참섭치 말아라. 네 눈은 항상 무엇보다도 먼저 너를 살필 것이요, 네 모든 친우들을 훈계하기 전에 너를 먼저 훈계하라. 네가 남에게 호감을 못 받는다고 근심치 말고 다만 하느님의 종된 생활을 못하고 신심있는 수도자와 같이 생활치 못함을 또 그만큼 주의를 못함을 걱정하라. 이 세상에 있는 동안 무슨 위로가, 특히 육신의 위로가 많지 않은 것이 흔이 유익하고 더 안전하다. 그러나 하느님께서 주시는 위로가 우리에게 없고, 혹 있다 하여도 드물게 있는 것은 우리의 과실(過失)이다. 참된 통회심을 자아내려고 힘쓰지 않고 쓸데없는 바깥 사물을 완전히 떠나지 않는 까닭이다.

  3. 너는 스스로 하느님께서 주시는 위안을 받기에 부당하고 더욱 많은 고란을 당하여야 의당한 줄로 생각하라. 사람이 완전히 통회심을 발하게 되면 세상 만사가 거북하고 싫어진다. 착한 사람은 항상 아파하고 울 만한 자료(資料)를 넉넉히 얻는다. 이는 자기를 살펴보든지 남을 살펴보든지 누구나 이 세상에는 괴로움 없이 생활하는 사람이 없음을 나는 까닭이다. 또 사람이 주의를 다하여 자기를 살필수록 더욱 아파하게 된다. 의당히 아파하고 진정으로 통회를 발할 많은 자료는 우리의 죄악과 우리의 악습이니 우리는 죄악과 악습에 묻혀 천상 것을 드물게 묵상하게 되게 때문이다.
-토마스 아 캠피스, 준주 성범 제 1권

Monday, February 23, 2009



If I wanted it to calm me down,
embrace me with its warm breast,
soothe me with its soft and gentle touch
so that I can feel free to be brave,
try what I could not before...
because I would have a home to come back to
and lay down for the day's rest,

was I expecting too much?

I know that my expectation is high.
This is not a place to look for such comfort.

I know that such relief can only come
when I finally let go of my childish stubbornness
to hold onto what's good to this earlthly body and its desires..

...and let myself loose in His bosom.

I know that
it is the last and the first step to become...
an adult..
be someone I always eager to be...
someone who is so respectable
so responsible of his actions.

I hoped you could be the one to lead me there...

my hope was indeed misplaced.

I know...
"I know what I must do...
but I am afraid to do it..."

It's time to stand on my own feet.


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Benicio and The Del Toros and... Us???

I did a little search on that great jazz(?) band that we enjoyed the other night. Remember, Benicio and The Del Toros? And I found this clip of them playing at Cafe Lalo on the New Year's Eve. And who were there at that time enjoying their awesome music?

We were!

Check this out:

Who's that in the center chatting our night away? LOL. Did you guys know they were filming this? I had my back towards the camera, so I had noooo idea. But this is funny. And weird.

And I wanna go there again, enjoy the tasty coffee liquor, and get in the mood with the rhythm once more.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Something I (don't) Live For

"To create a world where science and technology are celebrated... where young people dream of becoming science and technology heroes."

This is a quote from a website about a robotics competition I was looking up for one of my (required) volunteer opportunities for my work. (Yeah, really. A required volunteer. How fun.) When I read this line, I realized something. This is what people in this work place dream of; to be a hero in science and technology world. The problem is, I'm not really all that excited about technological and scientific stuff. More precisely, not anymore.

Thinking back, I used to be truly excited, fascinated and even flabbergasted by all things technology: computers, airplanes, spacecrafts, TVs, cell phones, new GPUs, huge HDDs, and so on. I used to look up online for newest gadgets, read an electronics' manual from cover to cover, or tell my not-so-tech-savvy family about what's hot out there, and why we need it.

But that enthusiasm started to fade away at some point. I started to get less excited by continuous stream of new tech stuff and get tired at being disappointed by them. I got tired of listening to fanboys railing about why something's so cool*. I started to feel empty even when I purchased a cool new toy, which I'd soon drop and look for something else. I think I started to see how things are in this side of the world; everything is bound to lose the "coolness," and so a better new thing must be developed. This is the fundamental driving force of technology; everything's got to be better, hotter, and cooler. (How you manage one thing to be cool and hot at the same time is beyond me.)

Ultimately, I realized that these things will never be able to satiate my thirst for the warmth and the comfort I eager all the time. What can satisfy me is that the people, not of the machine.

And that's what I want: human feelings. A moving story; a great work of art; a breath-taking photograph; something that makes me stop for a second and think. Something that moves every single cell in my body, and feel an emotion I cannot describe. A powerful message that can only be delivered by sound, or by image.

I want more than "cool." I want art. I am slowly realizing that I am in the wrong side of the world, and that's why as each day passes by, I get more tired and exhausted, less willing to get out of the bed each morning.

*This word, "cool," seems to dominate this world, as if it's like a word of truth, a word to live by, and die by. I'm really tired to hear something is so cool or that's not cool. There's plenty of other adjectives than "cool," you know.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

End of a Chapter, Beginning of Another

Year 2008.

Too short of a year it was. Driving to the same desk every morning, dragging myself out every evening. Days were long. Yet, time passed without my noticing. Nothing sort of big event to mark the calendar didn't help either. It did yield some remarkable achievements, though. But not because I deserve it, but because chances brought them myside.

Year 2009.

No way to know what surprises awaits in this year, but I know I can and must prepare myself for them. And in doing so, I will change. Just like I did in 2008. But I know it will be okay. Because I am not alone... :)