Sunday, December 30, 2007

True City, That Is New York

I just came back from NY, the city breathing with people from all over the world. While walking around the city, I probably have heard the most languages in a single day to this date. The city streets truly felt alive; it was filled with energy, filled with people walking to all directions, and many of them even attractive people.

It feels as if I've chosen a wrong place to make my home.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Because We Can Hope

Not too long ago, I found out that one of my dearest friend is suffering leukemia. From his journal, it seemed as if he was hanging in there pretty well at first. But... it seems like his good health (mental health, I mean) is deteriorating as brutal treatment continues. Although not unexpected, it still makes me worried and, to be honest, shaken.

I guess as I grew up, I have been shielded from all the bad things that happens in this grim world--I have never attended a funeral, experienced dealth of someone I hold dear, or as with this case, see someone suffer greatly--that when something dire comes along, I don't know what to do. I heart starts running fast, hands sweating, muscle tense... and my mind is filled with fear, fear of losing something dear. My friend, in this case.

Maybe this (hopefully) shows that I am a caring person, not a cold machine that I thought would be great to be. (Immune to human fallacy, every little detail perfect... it seemed worth trading off human feeling at some point.) But when I can't think of anything to say, gestures to show, or anything to cheer him up, it hurts. It hurts so much that I really hate myself for being such a weak, tiny person, incapable of any good.

Hang in there, my friend. The worst symptom of all time is to lose hope. Don't leave it somewhere. It will bring you out of there. And I will see you on next Christmas season. :)

Monday, December 17, 2007

Snake Among Church's Youths

One of the best way to meet people is to join a church. It is not exactly an ideal reason to attend one, but nonetheless, it still is the best place to make friends. And so I've been going to the one and only Korean Catholic church in Atlanta. It has been more than three months since I've started get aquainted with the church members, but it has proved to be everything but a smooth ride. First I thought it was my problem; I wasn't smiley enough, maybe. But, oh boy, didn't yesterday's meeting prove me wrong. There was something rotting all the way down from the root.

Yesterday's youth group meeting was supposed to be a quick, 30-minute-long discussion in regards to changing the youth group's mass schedule. It ended up being 1 1/2 hour long, blame-game, pointing fingers, crying a puddle, messy meeting where people could dump whatever they had on their mind about current affair of the group.

The current situation of this group is like this: Ever since a couple years ago, this group had been having a hard time retaining its members, let alone having a new member. Not knowing what the problem is, they decided to move the mass time into another time, which seemed like a great fresh breath at the time. It was, for a short time, until things got back to where it was before. People are not supportive of the group, new comers are not joining the group, and there has been tension between officers and members; members didn't see any reason to help in ever-so-gloomy group, and officers were feeling betrayed from the members for not helping them out. With things going like this, new comers must've felt this unwelcoming atmosphere, and simply left and never returned.

I'm not saying that I haven't sensed such aura when I came here. While there were care and loving gestures and smiles in small groups, such as choir, Legio Mariae, and so on, there were none in the youth group. Worse, when they tried to bring me in, it didn't feel welcoming at all; rather, it felt as if I was being preyed upon. I can only speculate they were hungry of new members for a long time that they were so forceful.

The only reason I went yesterday is to veto with every right I have, if I had any, against changing the mass schedule, which would force my involvement in the choir to end. And instead, what I got was a glimps, or more like a whole feature-length grand viewing of an inner suffering of a wavering group, which, pitifully, I was now a part of.

How will we fair now that we had a chance to directly face the root of our problem? I don't know. If yesterday's after-meeting visit to a restaurant, where officers were in a seperate table from everyone else, is any indication, it doesn't look good.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Life for Rent

문득 싸이질을
미친듯이 하고있는
내 자신을 발견했다.
갑자기... 왜?

요즘 느끼는 텅 빈 마음..
그 허전함을
이런곳에서 채워 보려는 듯
발버둥을 치는 것이 아닐까..

Friday, November 9, 2007


오랫만에 추억깊히 담아둔 한국에 있는
친구의 소식을 접하게 되었다.

하고싶은건 많은데 못하는 친구.
할수있는건 많은데 안하는 나.

나의 어리석음을 깨닫게 한다.

다음에 한국에 들어가게 되면 그때 꼭 보자.

그때까지 힘내. 꼭.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Different Standing Point

다른사람에겐 목적지인 이곳에서 시작한 나.
지금에 만족하긴 커녕 또 저 먼곳을 바라보고 있다.
상상만 해도 즐거움이 가득찬 나의 천국.

지금에 만족하지 못한다 해도 온 힘과 열성을 다해야 할 지금인데.
난 투정부리며 불만을 토해내기밖에.

참 나는 고마움을 모르는 배은망덕한 녀석이다.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Eventful Halloween Weekend

핫... 요번 주말엔 뭔가 이벤트가 많아서 너무 빨리 지나갔지만, 그래도 왠지 기분이 좋다.

  1. 첫째로 셀폰 새로 주문한게 이틀만에 도착했다. +_+ 아마존에서 셀폰사는거 절대 강추.
  2. 그리구 Halloween Weekend를 기념해 미국에서 1위를 다툰다는 Haunted House를 갔는데... 정말이지 Xbox360 Wii PS3 런칭때보다도 줄이 길었을꺼다. -_- 그 커다란 건물을 뺑뺑 둘러싼 그 많은 인간들... 결국 못보고 30 Days of Nights라는 ㅆ.ㄹ.ㄱ. 호러두 아닌 이상한 짬뽕물을 봤다-_-; ..이건 별로 좋은 해프닝이 아니였군.
  3. 그리고 오늘! 정말 몇년만이지? 거의 4~5년만에 베이스 기타를 다시 집어들었다. 청년미사때 반주를 했는데 생각보다 잘되서 기분업. 전례곡은 연습할 기회가 없어서 완전 망쳤지만서도, 특송은 내가 온 후 처음으로 신자들이 박수치게 한 봉헌. 내 첫 봉사치고 시작이 너무 좋은거 아니야? ㅋㅋ
하튼, 기분좋아서 수다떠는 식으로 일기를 -.- 앞으로 셀폰으로 사진 많이 찍어 올릴테니 자주와주길. (사실 맨날 이런말 하고 귀찮아서 안올리는데.)

Friday, October 26, 2007

Order of Events

오늘 회사에서 같이 다니는 한국아저씨들과 점심먹으며 들은 말: 나이를 먹어가는 것을 알게 해주는 이벤트들.

  1. 친구 결혼식. (이때 싱글들은 짝 찾기 좋은 기회란다. 재미있는 이야기도 들었다. 베스트맨과 피아노 반주자와의..ㅋㅋ)
  2. 후배 겨혼식
  3. 친구들의 자녀의 결혼식
  4. 자녀들의 결혼식
  5. 아는 사람들의 장례식-_-"
그다음엔 자신의 장례식이겠지ㅋ

Thursday, October 25, 2007


사람과 너.무. 빨리 친해지는 수도 있나요?

Tuesday, October 9, 2007


가족들과 전화를 한 후면 기분이 나쁘다.
씨발, 내가 원하는건 이런게 아니야

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Full Circle

We've come full circle, and we're back at where we are all too familiar with.

But I cannot make my move.
I can't be that cruel..
I just can't.....

Saturday, September 29, 2007

가슴과 머리의 거리

예전에 아는 누나가 한국으로 돌아가기 전 같이 한 저녁에 나에게 자신의 짝사랑 얘기를 고백했던 적이 있었어. 얼마 전부터 마음에 있던 사람이 있는데, 누나의 성격때문에 말 한마디는 커녕, 친해지지도 못하고 작별을 하게 생겼다는 그런 아쉬운 사연.

그런 이야기를 털어놓으시며 나에게 자신이 어쩌면 좋겠냐고 물어보셨는데, 나는 아무리 생각해도 원거리는 커녕 국제연애는 도저히 불가능할꺼라 생각해, 잊어버리는 쪽이 좋지 않겠냐, 권해드렸다.

내 생각을 들은 누나가 하시는 말씀이, 그런 내 대답은 보통 그런 이야기에 대한 남자들의 생각이란다. 반대로 여자들은 끝까지 포기하지말고, 나중에 무슨 일이 있을지 모르니 잊지 말라며 적극적으로 밀어준단다.

이말을 들은 난, 여자는 사랑을 가슴으로, 남자는 머리로 하는 것이 아닐까 생각해.

넌, 어떤 생각을 하고있니

I wish...

What do you do if you are sitting next to someone you don't like?

I know what I do.
I become quiet. Quiet and stressed, wishing I wasn't there.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The New.. and the Old

새 차
새 아파트
새 도시
새 생활

그렇지만 변하지 않는 나..

Sunday, September 23, 2007


요즘따라 랜덤하게 나는 생각들이 좀 많아지고있다.

방금... 이제껏 난 내가 진정 좋아하는 사람들을 내 의지로 멀리 밀어내고 있는게 아닐까, 문득 생각했다.

이러면 안되는데..
이러면 정말 후회할텐데.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

もういいよ . . .

서로의 마음이 어떠한들
무리인것은 무리인것 같다는 생각이 든다.
역사에 남을 만한 사랑과 집념이 아니라면
사소한 장애물에 사사건건 넘어진다.

무엇보다 중요한건
더이상 내 자신을 속일순 없다는 것.
감추어 두었던 내 자신이, 내 욕망이,
터질듯한 화산처럼 끌어올라
더이상 주체하질 못하겠다.
아니, 더이상은 내가 싫다.

또다시 너에게, 그리고 나 자신에게
너무나 많은 기대를 품었던 것일까
그때의 불꽃은 더이상 불을 붙일곳이 없어 꺼져만 가는데
너도 나도 가만히 서있다.

시간과 때가 이토록 중요한 것이였나
원통하고 원망한다.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

이 세상에서 떠나고 싶어졌다.
그냥.. 그러면 좋겠다 생각했다.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

GIve Me Your Love

As some of you might know, I have commitment issue. I'm not very much of a man of his word. I'm more like a man of forgetful mind.

When I look at someone and begin to like that person, I don't think about how I'll try hard to make that person happy, which I think is what people in love normally does. Instead, I think about how I can be liked by that person. I try to be nicer, try to share many things, interests, thoughts, and so on.

This may not be a problem as long as I follow though with those actions. But I don't; Instead, when I do get attention from that person, I lose interest. It's as if that attention I get is an end in itself, not a means to a happy relationship.

I think I won't be ready to be in a serious relationship until someone steals my heart and teaches me a lesson, a lesson--by leaving me. By the time I recover, I think I'll be ready.. to be responsible for other person, and feel and be committed to a relationship.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Silence Reminds Me

I understand that you are busy..

But my phone that never rings constantly reminds me that it never will.. unless I pick it up and dial your number.

It seems like we both want the same thing. As I heard from someone, if two people want the same thing, they cannot be.

I'm starting to wonder it may be..

Friday, September 7, 2007

They were right.

Here's one thing I have realized once I started working: When mom said that getting good grades will make you rich, they were right. And I mean literally. My company's HR department stuck my no-so-great GPA right into some kind of formula to come up with my current salary, which... isn't all that fantastic.

So, when your mom tells you to study hard because it'll give you a better life, trust them. They speak the truth.

PS. Why didn't I negotiate? I.. didn't have any leverage to do so. Fresh-out-of-college, no other job offers... Sadness. *sigh*

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Just a Thought

일 시작한지 얼마나 되었다고,
벌써 그냥 학생때처럼 띵가띵가 시간보내며 살고싶다.

원랜 그런게 아닌가ㅋ

어서빨리 일하는 보람을 찾아야 할텐데..

Sunday, September 2, 2007

a chain of short stories about their distance.

심장이 뛰는것을 느낄수있었다. 쉴 틈이 없던 액션영화를 볼때의 요동치던 느낌과는 달랐다. 긴박감이 아닌 온전하고 차분하면서도 흥분되는 표현하기 힘든 이 느낌... 단순하기만 한, 일상에서 반복되는 그런것이 아니다. 오랫동안 잠재되어있던 수많은 감정들, 바램들, 아쉬움들이 한꺼번에 표현되어지고 그것을 다시 곱게 되세기며 그것들과 이제 작별을 하는것이다.

어릴적의 너무나도 아름다운 추억은 이미 지나간 일에 불과한 것이다. 앞으로 나아가야만 하는 우리들. 마지막 토노오의 나지막하면서도 시원한 미소는 과거에 얽매여 있던 자신을 기찻길과 아카리의 뒷모습을 끝으로 드디어는 앞으로 나아갈 준비가 된 것이 아닐까. 과거의 환상에 젖어있는 우리들에게 이제 앞으로 나아갈 시간이 왔다고 마코토 감독은 말해주고 있는것이 아닐까.. 생각해본다.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Imagine Me & You

"Yes it is.
I want you to be happy.
More than anything else I wanted to be the cause of happiness in you.
But if I'm not, then I can't stand in the way, you see?
Because what you're feeling now, Rachel, is the unstoppable force.
Which means that I've got to move."

I'll be honest. I used to have so called "homo-phobia." I used to become so grossed out at anything homo--I just couldn't understand why they'd go after someone that has their.. tool (you know what I mean..).

Then over the last few years, I started to think differently. I guess all those TV shows and movies made my perception change a bit. Then, over the last winter, I actually got to get to know some gays and lesbians--working at a department store tends to provide excellent opportunity for meeting them in person. This finally got me to accept them. They are people just like any others who have their own lives, likes and dislikes, habits, schedule... and, of course, their own love life.

This movie opened my mind to those people without any effort on my side. The love story it had is something that anyone can relate to. But then, the couple that the story is centered around are women, not a man and a woman. Besides that one small thing, everything else is just like any other stories... love, hate, conflict... And the characters being adorable also helped, too.

On a side note, I was surprised to see the old British people were so natural with gays. I mean, old parents, in an American TV show about lesbians, were freaking out when they found out about their daughter is in fact homosexual. The family went through a huge drama to accept that fact, but in this movie, the parents of a daughter, who is married to a man already, accepted the fact that she was a lesbian, and that she is maddly in love with another woman so easily. Maybe it's because it is a movie. But more British movie I watch, more I am astonished at how fast their society move forward..

And will I let go of my love like Hect? I think I will. And I will probably kill myself afterwards.. Just kidding. I think..

Yes! I knew it was her...
a woman who stood behind the king of braves
when the world turned against him...

Friday, August 24, 2007

You, Me and....

Having HBO is great; You get to see all those movies that weren't quite appealing enough to drag yourself to a theatre or rent a DVD, such as You, Me, and Dupree (just Dupree from now on), which I started watching while flipping through channels like any other days.

Although movie itself is a typical, silly Hollywood's romantic-comedy movie, it did have a part where I found myself empathizing with the main character. It's when Carl, who is newly wed with Molly, becomes jealous (not sure if this is right feeling but sort of same, I guess) of Dupree when he becomes pretty close to his wife after barging into his home soon after the wedding. When Dupree moves in at first, Carl was the one looking out for Dupree. But Molly, being a great person with a kind and understanding heart, is harsh on Carl and kind to Dupree. The movie makes some kind of stupid event to wrap it up, but I couldn't help but think that both Dupree and Molly failed to understand Carl at all.

Even if you had a friend who was very close to a girl or a boy you like, or are going out with, you must understand who carl would feel at this point. Maybe I am a selfish person, but I definitely wouldn't like to see one of my guy friend--or any friend actually--being so close to my girlfriend when I myself can't. It's not respectful of my friend, as well as stupidity of the girlfriend. Just think; what would you feel if your friend was getting along real well with your girl/boyfriend when you weren't having such a good time? I , out of respect to my friend if not anything else, wouldn't get so close with girlfriends/boyfriends if the couple are not actually showing much affection, which is when those two are the ones closest to each other at the moment. Watching a friend grabbing so much attention from someone dear is just heartbreaking...

Damn, I'll be like "What the hell are you doing to my wife?"

Oh, as a side note, thank God for HBO, and thanks to BellSouth, a company that I will be hating as soon as I get a HDTV--whenever that is--for letting me watch HBO even when I didn't order it.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Today's Lessons

  • Lesson #1: Do not practice Kendo with empty-stomach. If you have to, forget the practice, and go eat instead.
  • Lesson #2: Do not be a stuck-up. It's never good for anybody. Especially when you have no energy due to starvation.

-after sucking at 2 hour-long Kendo practice
due to starving for 7 hours
(Excuses, excuses..)

Friday, August 17, 2007


I was flipping through channels and, I don't know why, but I started watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Although it definitely is a chick-flick, it actually touched on many good topics. And, I say this shamelessly, it did have several moments that made me think about things in the past... especially Lena and Bridget's stories.

Watching a little girl falling in love, I asked, 'Can boys and girls fall in love? Is what they feel, that fireworks in their brains that goes off when they're around certain people of opposite sex, actually love? If so, why do people think that they are just playing around when they are in love?'

The answer, I guess, might be that kids grow up. They change fast. With those changes, even a lovely couple can grow apart easily when they fail to embrace those changes.

At my age of 23, I still have the urge to change. I want to become someone I want to be; I do not want to be satisfied, yet. Maybe when I finally become someone that I think is real me, I will be ready for a real mature relationship.

...but I'm afraid that day will never come...

Show Me Your Left Hand

일을 시작한지 이제 5일째.

일을 시작하면서 나이가 심지어 내 나이의 2배가 되는 사람들과 옆에서 지내다 보니 이제껏 겪어보지 못한 일을 겪어보게된다.

오늘은 직장 사람들과 일본 음식점에 나가 밥을 먹고 있는데, 같이 있던 사람 중 한명이 내 왼손을 보고 '결혼도 안했는데 어서 여자를 찾아야 되지 않겠냐'고 말을 했다.

이제까지 내 나이또래와 지내오니 결혼한 사람이 그리 많을리가 없다. 그래서 다른사람의 손을 보고 결혼 안했다는걸 확신해야 하는 경우도, 상대방이 내 손을 보고 내가 아직 미혼이라는 것을 봐야하는 그런 경우가 별로 없었다는 것. 오늘은 그분께서 내 손을 보고 말을하는걸 보니 기분이 참신했다.

사람들의 왼손이 꽤 중요한 역활을 하게되는 시간이 빠르게 다가오고 있다는 것을 느꼈다..

Wednesday, August 8, 2007


인간관계에 있어서 굴뚝에 연기가 나면
정말로 무언가가 있는 것이다.


Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Déjà vu

Ha, a Déjà vu. I certainly remember this.
But I guess it's too early.. you're busy, so I must understand.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

질투의 화성인

오래전 부터 친하게 지냈던 사람에게 누나가 존댓말을 쓰는걸 들었다. 오래전부터 지금까지 줄곳 편하게 말을 놓던 사람에게 누나가 갑자기 말을 높히니, 너무나도 부자연스러운게 아닌가. 그런 누나의 이유란, 누나의 친구와 그 형이 오랫동안 사귀며 꽤나 심각한 관계로까지 발전했던지라.. 친구의 남편이 될 사람에게 너무 편하게 말하고 그러면 실례일껏 같아서..란다.

두 가정중 한 가정은 이혼을 하는 요즘 시대에 그런것 까지 상관하는건 좀 이상하게 보일수도 있지만, 누나의 입장이 아주 이해가 안가는 것은 아니다. 내가 좋아하는 사람, 내가 사귀는 사람, 더 나아가 결혼한 사람이 다른 이성의 사람과 친하게 지내는 모습은, 아무리 봐도 좋게 보일수가 없다. 물론 그냥 쿨하게 넘어가줄수도 있을것이다. 하지만 소유욕이 많은 나같은 사람에겐 아무리 친한 친구라도 좋은 감정이 있는 사람과 친하게 지내는 모습은 나쁘게 보일수밖에 없고, 심하면 질투를 부를수도 있다는 사실. 알아줬으면 한다.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007


최근 가까운 사람으로부터 내가 하는 한국말이 이상하다는 말을 들었다.

중학교 1학년 1학기 후로 외국인 학교로 전학을 가서 한국어 공부를 그때 멈췄다고는 하지만... 그래도 이제까지 한국어가 더 편했던 나에겐 충격이였다. -_ㅠ

영어도 딸리고 한국어도 어색하고... 어쩌란말이야~!

Monday, July 30, 2007

웰컴 백.

오랫만에 성당을 갔다.

오랫만에 보는 얼굴들.
다들 나를 반겨준다.
예전에 왔을 때 보다 더 잘 반겨주는 이 느낌...

왜일까 생각해본다.


역시 옷인가. -_ -

Saturday, July 28, 2007

한가하지 않은 토요일

아직 하루가 많이 남아있음에도 다른 날들보다 참 많은 일이 있었다.

얼마 안있어서 형수님이 되실 분과 우리 가족과 함께 맛있는 점심. 말 한마디 한마디 힘이 있으면서 상냥한 그분의 행동가짐에 주위에서 듣던 이런저런 걱정은 다 없어져버린다. 집안사람으로 더없이 좋을 듯한 그분. 형은 앞으로 행복할듯..

그리고 이어진 누나의 옷보기. 자신의 옷차림에 별로 신경을 안쓰는 누나가 사지도 않을 이런 저런 옷을 입어보는데 참 누나가 이제껏 왜그리 옷에 관심이 없었을까, 요즘 패션이 누나에겐 좀 어색해 보인다. 앞으로 내가 없어도 혼자 자주 쇼핑다니며 이쁘게 꾸미길..

이제 남아있는 저녁약속과 술자리. 그 자리에 있을 only 싱글인 나로써 느끼한 커플의 염장질을 즐겨줘야할 판이다. 왠지 그런걸 즐겨줄 자신이 있는 난 masochist기질이 없진 않는건가 하는 웃기지만 않은 생각을 해본다.

이벤트 많은 오늘. 이곳과 작별을 할 그날까지 계속 이렇게 바쁜 나날이 지나갔으면 좋겠다..

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

A Missing Person

싸이를 돌아다니다 얼마전 우리 학교 졸업식 사진들을 보게되었다. 졸업하는 사람들을 축하해 주기 위해 멀리서 부터 온 사람들. 활짝 웃는 기쁜 얼굴들. 그리고 맑고 밝은 하늘...

하지만 그 졸업생들중 나의 모습은 보이질 않는다.

다들 그렇게 즐거운 시간을 보내고 있을 무렵, 나는 정말 기분나쁜 시간을 보내고 있었다. 그런 행사도 만반의 준비를 하고 맞아야 하는구나..하고 깨닳게 해준 짜증났던 졸업식. 그때의 해프닝 때문에 정말이지 한시라도 빨리 그 자리에서 나오고 싶었고, 또 그렇게 했다.

그때 그날을 위해 좀더 준비를 해놨으면 어땠을까? 다른 결과가 나왔을까? 내 이름을 듣고 당당히 앞에 나아가 빈봉투-.-를 받았을까? 그리구선 사람들과 섞여 사진도 찍고 얘기도 나누었을까...?

앞으로는 그런 중요한 날은 꼭 철저히 준비를 하고 맞이하리라 생각을 하건만, 지금도 겨우 보름후면 이곳을 떠나 혼자만의 삶을 시작을 하게 되는데, 아직 그날을 위해 준비해놓은건 하나도 없다. 이제 게으름을 떨쳐버리고 할일을 해야 할텐데...

You Don't Understand

its not that...
I'm not asking for your forgiveness...
but it's that I had to find out like this...

times like this I understand why some people think of something stupid like
discouraging possessive nature of our minds--like love
it makes me mean.. selfish and idiotic

i shouldn't..
i know i shouldn't but ... for now i can't help it.

i miss u.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


해리의 말처럼 저 티비속의 유명한 사람들도 결국 우리들 처럼 시작했었다. 딴 세계의, 소수의 선택된 자들만이 사는 그런 세상에 있는 것 처럼 보이는 그들이지만, 그런것에 용기를 잃지 말자. 지금의 삶을 열씸히 살다보면 그 세상에 한발짝씩 다가가는 우리들이 보일테니.

Monday, July 23, 2007

You're Beautiful...

you're beautiful..
you're beautiful..
you're beautiful, it's true..
I saw your face in a crowded place
and I don't know what to do..

..'cause I'll never be with you

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Promise.Resolution.Mine and Mine Alone

평범한 것에 안주하지 않는다. 이것은 나의 인생의 모토이며 살아가는 방식이다. 이것이 없으면 난 내가 아닌것.

평범한 직장을 갖고 돈을 벌며 평범한 사람들 주위에 어울려 평범하게 시간을 보내고 사는것을 거절한다. 안정적이고 그럭저럭인 것들로 자신의 불안함을 덜으려 하지 않으며 언제나 도전하고 원하는 것을 쫓아 앞으로 나아간다. 내가 태어난 이유를 찾아, 그 목적을 찾아, 그리고 그것들을 끝내 달성한다. 그런 나를 억누르려는 거쎈 바람, 뒤에서 붙잡는 손길, 이제 그만 자신을 고달프게 만들고 주저앉아 만족하라는 주위의, 그리고 내 속안의 나약한 존재의 유혹을 뿌리친다.

나는 내가 속해있는 저 앞의 세상을 향에 나아갈 것이고, 언젠간 도달할 것이다. 그것이 다음 세상이 되더라도.

우리의 제이드양~

아는 형에게 위의 동영상을 보여줬다. 그랬더니 아래의 반응을 보였다..

$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
이여자 뭐여?
나 says:
첫부분에 타이틀 나오잖오 ㅎ
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
진짜 드벨로퍼여 ㅡ.ㅡ
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
나 says:
ㅇㅇ 저여자가 프로듀서야
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
흠...희안하네 ㅡ.ㅡ
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
나이도 어려보이는데
나 says:
그래서 게임계에서 유명하시쥐
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
이거 같이 일하는 사람들
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
하악하악 해서 일 언제해
나 says:
근데 좋은겜 잘 만들어냈다눈...-.-
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
진짜 하악하악인데 ㅡ.ㅡ
나 says:
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
정말..이건 말도 안되
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
왜 저런 여자가 게임을 만들고 잇어 ㅡ.ㅡ
나 says:
이쁜여자는 겜만들면 안되나~ ;ㅁ;
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
게임하는것도 좀 이상한데
나 says:
외로운 겜디벨로퍼에게 므흣한 눈요기거리가 도주면 안되나~
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
겜을 만든다니..머 이건
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
믿을수 없어
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
저여자 분명히
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
ubi에서 투입한
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
가짜 디벨로퍼일꺼야
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
걍 말만 잘 하도록
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
2.젊은 여자다
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
3.젊고 이쁜 여자다
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:
4.게임 만드는 젋고 이쁜 여자다
$@%@#$%@#$%@#$% says:

왜 게임만드는 사람은 1.여자이고 2.이쁘고 3.젊으면 안되는거야~

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

현실에 있어서 사랑이란...

아는 형이 재미없는 이야기를 보내줘서 재미있게 읽었다. 차에 얽힌 웃기고도 씁슬한 현실이야기...

여자들이여... 왜 그럴수밖에 없는거샤?!

재미없는 BMW 이야기

Another Existence


I forgot to write here about another blog that I have opened awhile ago. I opened this blog to write whatever I had in my mind--from meaningless uttering to personal thoughts and feelings--but soon not-so-personal posts were recorded more.

So, I felt that to share those thoughts with more people, I'd make two blogs; one for peronal journals, and another for anything else. This, the older one, serves as the personal journal. The other one, Eternity Begins is the public blog. I have also included link to this blog in the Blogroll section on the side.

This may explain why there hasn't been much update here... Not that I've been lazy!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Eternity's End

I just stumbled upon this cinematic clip from not-so-well-fared Blizzard's Warcraft 3. And its title, it turns out, is Eternity's End.

Although it's not the same as this blog's title, it let me like this title even more. I like it. I like it...

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Growing Up

I always say I want to grow up, to be mature, and be responsible. Yet, I am unable to do just that. I keep looking for someone I can depend on; I try to cut myself some slack, like giving me some easy time when I'm avoiding things I need to do; secretly wanting people's attention without becoming worthy of it. I may show a glimpse of what I can be, like... being responsible, so I know I can become someone I want to be.

But what's stopping me?

I've read somewhere that people are deeply affected by stereotype without them knowing. Any categories or descriptions that you put to people, not just racial, but anything, and I mean anything (such as bad singer, bad artist, or conversely good mathematician) makes you unconsciously drive yourself to fit into that description.

Now, there is something my mother likes to tell me whenever she is talking about "those good, old days," and it's about how strong or weak each of us, my siblings and I, are born. My brother was born strong and very bright, and my sister and I are born weak. (For example, while my strong and brave brother loved to ride swing as a baby, I freaked out.) Because of this, she has been taking care of us and be worried about us constantly, believing being hurt in that dangerous and wild world will cripple us big time. So, naturally, I kept thinking that I am born weak, and I have been making myself into a helpless, dependant boy who constantly needs to be reminded how well off I really am.

Before I move away from home to my new job, I am going to ask my mother to let me go. Let me be on my own, and stand strong on my own.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Quote #02

Affection is the broadest base of a good life.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Atlanta Welcomes Me

Yes, that means I have just accepted the offer from Lockheed Martin Aeronautics company, located near Atlanta, GA.

Some say it's far and too South for me, but I think not. I am all excited about this opportunity. Atlanta is big, home to some 5 milion people--so plenty of stuff to do--and extremely low cost of living compared to Northern Virginia... but most of all, it's aeronautics company!! That means I'll be making software that goes on Lockheed Martin's one of the longest selling cargo plane, C-130J Supoer Hercules*!! Well, a variation of C-130J Super Hercules that collects data inside storms to be precise, but exciting neverthless!

What's more exciting for me is that they actually assemble the plane in that giant building I'll be working at, and they also make the newest fighter jet, F-22!! I hope I can take some pictures...heheh.

Anyways, now this is done, I can now focus 100% on the research project I'm working on. I even have to show the group what I've been doing. (Um...) So time to concentrate!!

*You might have seen that plane at some point, because it's pretty much everywhere. They carry vehicles, troops, supplies, weapons... and of course, Naked Snake jumped off of it in Metal Gear Solid 3 in the beginning of the game as seen below:

I'm not 100% sure about this, but it sure looks like it.
Correct me if I'm wrong.

UPDATE: Yes, it is C-130, a modified version of it. AC-130 SPECTRE, as it is named, is modified by Boeing to be equiped with powerful guns to give support to ground troops.

Friday, June 8, 2007

On Love and Timing

어디선가 읽은 적이 있어,
사랑하는 사람을 만나는 시기가
그렇게 중요한 것 이라고.

너무 어릴때 만나면
사랑인지 모르고 지나쳐버리고,

준비가 안됐을 때 만나면
여린 마음에 어쩔줄 몰라하다
헤어지게 될지도 모르고,

너무 늦게 만나게된다면
벌써 다른 사람과 결혼했을 수도 있다는 것..

또 적절한 시기에 만났지만
착각과 어긋남의 연속에
그냥 헤어져 버릴수도 있는 일이야.

그렇게 생각해 보면 정말 사랑하는 사람을 만나서
평생을 같이 한다는 것은 (또는 그렇지 못한다는 것은)
정말 하늘의 뜻에 달려있어 보이지 않아?

이제 곧 내가 일자리를 쫓아 어디를 가게되고,
그것에 따라 누구와 멀어지고 누구와 가까워 지게 되느냐는
하늘에 뜻에 달려있는 것이지,
결국 우리가 아쉬워 해야할 이유는 별로 없다고 생각해.

앞으로 어떻게 될진 모르겠지만,
앞으로 많은 변화가 올 거라는 생각에
아쉬움보다 두근거림이 앞서가는
나를 탓하진 말아줘.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Yet Another One

With the deadline to respond to the offer nearing, I scored yet another interview with a competing company here in DC metro area. To give it a shot, I am back at home...only after 4 days since I left here. I don't know why I'm so lucky with getting interviews these days, but the recruiter was very eager to bring me in, and extend an offer that will defeat the one I already have if possible. Which items on my resume did she like that much, I wonder? Or is it the feedback from all those interviews I head previously? What kind of feedback did they give? I wish there was a way to find out.

Anyways, with only two business days to make up my mind on the standing offer, I will be using today for the interview, and hopefully I'll get the response from them by next Monday, which is the day I have to make the decision of my life.

And I do mean the decision of my life--maybe not the only one, but certainly one of the most important decision ever. That choice will have lasting impact on my life ever after... I am practically making a career move here; I don't want to be turning around to camera and saying,

"I'd not want to move up in this organization... While I'm down here, it's a job. Anywhere higher, it's a career, and I'd kill my self if that happens."*

I want it to be my career for at least a while... maybe at least about 3~5 years. Then, I'd like to look at where I am and make another decision: Stay in that route, or change lane.. hopefully into one called "entertainment."

I'm sleepy, and I've chit-chatted like a girl. Enough of this already! Need rest for the interview.

Wish me luck. Fingers crossed.

PS. I did a little calculation of the offer, and it turns out, it's not bad at all. But... there's nothing to lose in trying to negotiate, yes? (Of course, that's if I don't mess it up big time and lose the offer, but... .... I need a wooden board... 'knock knock')

* If you don't get it, start watching more tv shows. The Office in particular.

Monday, June 4, 2007

My First Job Offer!!!

Atlanta's skyline

I just got a call Lockheed Martin's headquarter, and their HR personnel gave me a good news. Well, I had been expecting this for a while, but I finally got the offer after about 2 weeks of waiting. This is my first job offer, and so, I am really excited.

But as always, there's a catch. Their offer, as she outlined it for me, didn't quite live upto my expectation. I will know more about it in detail once I get the offer package by snail-mail, but I want to negotiate the offer and try to get as much more as possible. But then, she says they don't negotiate if I don't have any other offer at hand... Hmm, is this true? Maybe this is one of those things they say just to avoid going through trouble of negotiation, and to fool youngsters like me into an unfair contract.

Well, for now, let me be happy. But I guess I'll tell other locations to hurry, since I'll only have a week to decide once I get the package.

As people say, I guess no one can have everything they want, hmm? But I don't think trying to be in 50th percentile is all that greedy.

UPDATE: I just got another call from same company, in different location about another interview. It was nice because it was local, but when I told her that I just received an offer from same company, but different division, she said she can't pursue it if that's the case. Apparently, I have to decline the offer I got today in order to pursue other positions in the same company. That means interviews I did at Syracuse, the one at VA Beach I was looking forward to, all went out the window today--if I do choose to accept that offer that is. Ah... Sadness....

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Reporting from Syracuse

A view of the Downtown Syracuse skyline

I'm here in Syracuse for a job interview. Having visited two other cities (Seattle and Atlanta) before here, this place is least favorite of them.


First, it's not urban enough. Growing up from a highly urbanized environment, I still want to be surrounded by, or at least live very close to, high rising skyscrapers.

And that's not all. Going to a restaurant with a friend of mine, we passed by a neighborhood that's far from your ideal neighbor to live in, or even to drive by (it was the only route she could remember getting there). At first, it wasn't too bad, considering that I have, in fact, drove by worse looking places before. However, while at a stop, we heard a gun shot sound. From a very, very close place. I looked around, and I saw a male running out from a house right next to us, putting something into his pants. As he ran, a woman came out from the house, running after him, and screamed something at him.

What did I do? I stepped on it, of course. We zoomed out of the area as fast as we could. I kept thinking that what we saw wasn't what I think it was, but soon, we heard sirens, fire trucks, and all sorts of vehicles you see whenever someone dials 911 heading towards the direction we came from, and it was apparent that we did hear a gun shot, indeed, and we were really close to it. I don't know if I should've stayed there or went back there as a witness or something, but what I do know is that I was lucky, and I am still in one piece.

Now, after this experience, will I accep their offer in case they extend one? I'm not sure. It will depend on how good of a package they'll offer me. :)

Friday, May 25, 2007

Angry Person #2

I don't know how valid this information it is, but according to the comedy movie with Adam Sandler, Anger Management, there are two types of angry person in this world: explosive, and implosive.

Explosive angry person, says the movie, is the one who yells at the cashier for not taking a coupon. Implosive person, on the other hand, is the cashier, who listens to them silently day after day until one day, when he finally breaks and brings a machine gun and shoots everyone in the store.

I am writing about this here because whenever Dr. Rydell, the anger therapist, talks about the "anger issue" Dave, the guy with the anger issue from the movie, has, I feel like that's exactly me(!!). I am the implosive angery man who keeps it all inside until it explodes. Well, thanks to my bad memory, I tend to forget what I am angry about in few and so didn't have a chance to explode.

I always think about this characteristic of mine, and think about how I can fix it. Actually, I think about when I will have money to afford a therapist to fix this, rather than what I can do about it. I always think someone else can solve it for me.

I guess my first baby step will be to correct that kind of attitude.

Quote #01

Ability will enable a man to get to the top,
but character will keep him from falling.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

스쳐지나간 인연

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause Ill never be with you.

Yes, she caught my eye,
As I walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful it's true
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause Ill never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel, with a smile on her face,
When she thought that I should be with you.

But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

얼마전에 멀리 여행을 떠났을때, 그곳에서 진심으로 마음에 들어오는 사람을 봤다. 내가 원하던 그대로의 모습으로 너무 소극적이지도, 대담하지도 않은 자세와 상냥하면서도 강한, 그리고 그보다도 더 단정할수 없을 만큼 깔끔한 차림새... 내가 사람을 볼때 살펴보는 모든 면에서 마음에 들어버렸다.

말을 걸어보고 싶었지만, 어떤 사람인지 알고 싶었지만, 너무나도 당연한것 처럼 그사람의 손가락에 반짝이던 금반지를 보고 어쩔수 없이 아쉬운 마음으로 돌아와야 했다.

여행을 마치고 돌아온 후, 그 아쉬운 마음에 오랫동안 가슴앓이를 할것 같았지만, 이상하게도 오히려 홀가분한 느낌이 든다. 그때의 경험 후 이제는 그런 완벽한 이상형에 대한 미련을 버린것이다. 지금까지의 '내가 원하는 사람'이 아닌 '나를 원하는 사람'에게 마음을 줄 준비가 된것같다.

이제는 너를 받을 준비가 된 것 같아.
하지만 넌 이제 아닌가봐..

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Horsing Around

나는 태어날때부터 약하게 태어났다고 한다. 다른 말로는 그때부터 겁이 많았다고 한다. 그것 때문일까? 난 언제나 가장 중요하고 내 집중을 요구하는 일을 피하고 싶어하고, 정말로 이리저리 피하고 다닌다. 공부를 해야한다면 놀아버리고, 누구에게 이메일을 보내야 하면 노래를 듣고 미적거리고, 중요한 말을 해야 한다면 날씨가 좋다는 둥 딴청을 피고... (정말로 그런다는건 아니고..-_ -)

지금도... 리서치를 해야하는데 빈둥빈둥 놀고만 있다. 밖에서 돌아다닐때면 '돌아가면 공부를 해야지~'하는 생각이 마구 솟아나지만, 방안에 발을 들여 놓는 순간 그 생각은 연기처럼 사라져 버린다.


그리고 지금은 잠을 자야하는데 이걸 적고있다...

What's wrong with me?

이러는 내 모습에 짜증이 난다...

Thursday, May 17, 2007

우리들의 표정

사람들이 행복한지 불행한지 가장 쉽게 아는 방법은 특별한일 없을 때 그 사람들의 표정을 살펴보는 것일 것이다. 웃기거나 슬픈 일이 없을때의 표정이 지금의 생활에 대한 만족도를 보여주는 척도일것이다.

요즘 우리 가족의 얼굴에는 평상시 만족스럽지 않은 표정이 담겨있다. 어딘가 불편한 듯, 기운이 없는 듯, 무언가가 잘 풀리지 않는 듯 미간을 찌뿌리고 입은 아래쪽으로 쳐져있다. 계속되는 어려움들 속에, 그동안 유지해 오던 행복도 어느세 바람앞의 촛불 꼴이 되어버린 듯 하다. 어서 희망이란 빛을 찾아 우리들 모두의 얼굴에 만족스러운 미소가 찾아오기를 바란다.

지금 당신의 얼굴엔, 당신 주위사람들의 얼굴에는 어떤 표정이 담겨있습니까? 모두가 미약하게나마 미소를 띄우고 있다면 당신이 부럽습니다. 진심으로...

Sunday, May 13, 2007

The Worst Day

So yeah... I had my college graduation ceremony yesterday. And as you can see from the title, it was horrible. Not because the ceremony itself was bad, but maybe because I was late to the ceremony.

Or, maybe it's because when I thought I was all set to go home, I was reminded about a bed, which I didn't even use for a year (I used it for a year before that), that I had to take care of because a friend of mine who gave it to me originally wanted it back, and so my father, my older brother and I had to tie it to the roof of our car and look like fools driving 15 min at 10 mph while holding the damn bed to make sure it doesn't fall.

Or, maybe it's because after moving that damn bed, it hit me that maybe the guy who actually used the bed for a year (for free!) should've been the one taking care of it, or maybe because I found out, after moving the bed (again), that the lease the guys who lived in that apartment had doesn't end until way later, in which case I could have just left it there for my friend to come and pick it up later.

Or, all things aside, maybe my day was already ruined when my name was not called at the ceremnoy, and I was sitting in the line behind the last row like a jackass, while others were all going onto podium and get their diploma. The worst thing about this is that nobody seemed to notice this. Nobody. There are several possibilities as to why this happened, but I'm not gonna go into it here. Let me just say, although I pity my school for what happened recently, I am greatly angry and disappointed at Virginia Tech. @#%@^@$%@#!!!!

This is not me, by the way.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

This Thing Called Idea

There is nothing more motivating and refreshing than seeing someone receiving your idea with great excitement and approval. This is especially true if you know, or at least think, that the idea is truely yours and original that you are the only who's thinking about anything like that.

At the same time, however, there is nothing more frustrating than knowing that, even with such an original idea, there is nothing much you can do to make that idea become a reality. It's like finding out the secret recipe of Coca-Cola, but realizing there is no way to obtain necessary ingredient to produce it.

For me, what is missing is skills, including people skill, to get into a company of the related field to at least get a chance of bringing that idea into reality. It's such a shame and depressing that the chance of me getting into those companies is extremely slim.

What's even more depressing is knowing what I should be doing, but having no patience to actually do what needs to be done. That's the worst thing of all.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Farewell, My Friends.

Facing my graduation ceremony--commencement ceremony, rather--I think about the implication of this to my lifestyle. What does it mean? How will it change my life from this point and on? Besides some of the obvious changes, such as office life, financial burden, independence, and so on, there is one that I haven't been thinking about.

People. The people I came to call my friends. What will happen to them?

To some of you, the answer may be pretty obvious. They will still be friends, and probably you'll come to visit them once in a while. However, the thing for me is that I still don't know where I will be after school. I don't know where I will be living, and if I move to somewhere far away, I'm not so sure if I'll come and visit them. I don't know if I'll see them ever again.

This may sound so cold-hearted to you, but growing apart from people happened to me so many times. I have moved around alot, and whenever I move, I've never ever went back to where I came from. Since the summer of the year '99, when I came over here from overseas, I've never visited my homeland again. It's been so long, and I only talk to very few of the people from that place and even that happens very rarely.

So what will happen to the people over here? Same thing happened to my friends back in the days, of course. Some will stay friends, and some will become strangers again (relatively speaking). Therefore, I feel the need to say proper "good-bye" to those I may not ever see again.

But several of them have already left the campus, and I have missed the chance to do so. Although I feel bad about it, I'd like to use this place to bid proper farewell (if it can be one).

Good-Bye, and farewell. May your trail be full of happiness and success.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Eternity Ends

e·ter·ni·ty [i-tur-ni-tee]
–noun, plural -ties.
  1. infinite time; duration without beginning or end.
  2. eternal existence, esp. as contrasted with mortal life: the eternity of God.
  3. Theology. the timeless state into which the soul passes at a person's death.
  4. an endless or seemingly endless period of time.
  5. eternities, the truths or realities of life and thought that are regarded as timeless or eternal.

Focus on the first: duration without beginning or end. Putting the word end and eternity together; a paradox it is. This world--from our perspective, at least--is eternal; we do not know its beginning, or its end. She will live on, even if the last of humanity evaporates.

But she is tender , susceptible to changes. One moment she is warm and embracing. She's like a mother caring over her child, holding an infant in her bossom, tending and caring, singing him a lullaby. We're happy. Everything falls in right places, smile on people walking on streets... All is well.

Then the world falls apart, people dying, crying... Like a mad mother without sanity, she takes away what she has given to us. So many hearts are broken, and in the midst of craziness, we start taking what are not our own. War breaks out, we start to hate eachother, and no one smiles anymore.

In the wreckage, that time's paradigm, which we hold so dearly as if our lives depend upon it, shifts... and a new era comes. What we have been holding true, what we used to believe, the things we had hoped to continue on to eternity, faces its end--its death.

And so, eternity ends.

Belief, our lives, our rationale, everything changes. Each day, each minute, each fraction of second, our perception becomes false. World changes faster and faster. We are at a time when we must change, destory everything we have in our minds--if we are to survive and live on to eternity.

And new eternity has begun.