Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Growing Up

I always say I want to grow up, to be mature, and be responsible. Yet, I am unable to do just that. I keep looking for someone I can depend on; I try to cut myself some slack, like giving me some easy time when I'm avoiding things I need to do; secretly wanting people's attention without becoming worthy of it. I may show a glimpse of what I can be, like... being responsible, so I know I can become someone I want to be.

But what's stopping me?

I've read somewhere that people are deeply affected by stereotype without them knowing. Any categories or descriptions that you put to people, not just racial, but anything, and I mean anything (such as bad singer, bad artist, or conversely good mathematician) makes you unconsciously drive yourself to fit into that description.

Now, there is something my mother likes to tell me whenever she is talking about "those good, old days," and it's about how strong or weak each of us, my siblings and I, are born. My brother was born strong and very bright, and my sister and I are born weak. (For example, while my strong and brave brother loved to ride swing as a baby, I freaked out.) Because of this, she has been taking care of us and be worried about us constantly, believing being hurt in that dangerous and wild world will cripple us big time. So, naturally, I kept thinking that I am born weak, and I have been making myself into a helpless, dependant boy who constantly needs to be reminded how well off I really am.

Before I move away from home to my new job, I am going to ask my mother to let me go. Let me be on my own, and stand strong on my own.

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