Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Reporting from Syracuse

A view of the Downtown Syracuse skyline

I'm here in Syracuse for a job interview. Having visited two other cities (Seattle and Atlanta) before here, this place is least favorite of them.


First, it's not urban enough. Growing up from a highly urbanized environment, I still want to be surrounded by, or at least live very close to, high rising skyscrapers.

And that's not all. Going to a restaurant with a friend of mine, we passed by a neighborhood that's far from your ideal neighbor to live in, or even to drive by (it was the only route she could remember getting there). At first, it wasn't too bad, considering that I have, in fact, drove by worse looking places before. However, while at a stop, we heard a gun shot sound. From a very, very close place. I looked around, and I saw a male running out from a house right next to us, putting something into his pants. As he ran, a woman came out from the house, running after him, and screamed something at him.

What did I do? I stepped on it, of course. We zoomed out of the area as fast as we could. I kept thinking that what we saw wasn't what I think it was, but soon, we heard sirens, fire trucks, and all sorts of vehicles you see whenever someone dials 911 heading towards the direction we came from, and it was apparent that we did hear a gun shot, indeed, and we were really close to it. I don't know if I should've stayed there or went back there as a witness or something, but what I do know is that I was lucky, and I am still in one piece.

Now, after this experience, will I accep their offer in case they extend one? I'm not sure. It will depend on how good of a package they'll offer me. :)

Friday, May 25, 2007

Angry Person #2

I don't know how valid this information it is, but according to the comedy movie with Adam Sandler, Anger Management, there are two types of angry person in this world: explosive, and implosive.

Explosive angry person, says the movie, is the one who yells at the cashier for not taking a coupon. Implosive person, on the other hand, is the cashier, who listens to them silently day after day until one day, when he finally breaks and brings a machine gun and shoots everyone in the store.

I am writing about this here because whenever Dr. Rydell, the anger therapist, talks about the "anger issue" Dave, the guy with the anger issue from the movie, has, I feel like that's exactly me(!!). I am the implosive angery man who keeps it all inside until it explodes. Well, thanks to my bad memory, I tend to forget what I am angry about in few and so didn't have a chance to explode.

I always think about this characteristic of mine, and think about how I can fix it. Actually, I think about when I will have money to afford a therapist to fix this, rather than what I can do about it. I always think someone else can solve it for me.

I guess my first baby step will be to correct that kind of attitude.

Quote #01

Ability will enable a man to get to the top,
but character will keep him from falling.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

스쳐지나간 인연

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause Ill never be with you.

Yes, she caught my eye,
As I walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful it's true
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause Ill never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel, with a smile on her face,
When she thought that I should be with you.

But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

얼마전에 멀리 여행을 떠났을때, 그곳에서 진심으로 마음에 들어오는 사람을 봤다. 내가 원하던 그대로의 모습으로 너무 소극적이지도, 대담하지도 않은 자세와 상냥하면서도 강한, 그리고 그보다도 더 단정할수 없을 만큼 깔끔한 차림새... 내가 사람을 볼때 살펴보는 모든 면에서 마음에 들어버렸다.

말을 걸어보고 싶었지만, 어떤 사람인지 알고 싶었지만, 너무나도 당연한것 처럼 그사람의 손가락에 반짝이던 금반지를 보고 어쩔수 없이 아쉬운 마음으로 돌아와야 했다.

여행을 마치고 돌아온 후, 그 아쉬운 마음에 오랫동안 가슴앓이를 할것 같았지만, 이상하게도 오히려 홀가분한 느낌이 든다. 그때의 경험 후 이제는 그런 완벽한 이상형에 대한 미련을 버린것이다. 지금까지의 '내가 원하는 사람'이 아닌 '나를 원하는 사람'에게 마음을 줄 준비가 된것같다.

이제는 너를 받을 준비가 된 것 같아.
하지만 넌 이제 아닌가봐..

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Horsing Around

나는 태어날때부터 약하게 태어났다고 한다. 다른 말로는 그때부터 겁이 많았다고 한다. 그것 때문일까? 난 언제나 가장 중요하고 내 집중을 요구하는 일을 피하고 싶어하고, 정말로 이리저리 피하고 다닌다. 공부를 해야한다면 놀아버리고, 누구에게 이메일을 보내야 하면 노래를 듣고 미적거리고, 중요한 말을 해야 한다면 날씨가 좋다는 둥 딴청을 피고... (정말로 그런다는건 아니고..-_ -)

지금도... 리서치를 해야하는데 빈둥빈둥 놀고만 있다. 밖에서 돌아다닐때면 '돌아가면 공부를 해야지~'하는 생각이 마구 솟아나지만, 방안에 발을 들여 놓는 순간 그 생각은 연기처럼 사라져 버린다.


그리고 지금은 잠을 자야하는데 이걸 적고있다...

What's wrong with me?

이러는 내 모습에 짜증이 난다...

Thursday, May 17, 2007

우리들의 표정

사람들이 행복한지 불행한지 가장 쉽게 아는 방법은 특별한일 없을 때 그 사람들의 표정을 살펴보는 것일 것이다. 웃기거나 슬픈 일이 없을때의 표정이 지금의 생활에 대한 만족도를 보여주는 척도일것이다.

요즘 우리 가족의 얼굴에는 평상시 만족스럽지 않은 표정이 담겨있다. 어딘가 불편한 듯, 기운이 없는 듯, 무언가가 잘 풀리지 않는 듯 미간을 찌뿌리고 입은 아래쪽으로 쳐져있다. 계속되는 어려움들 속에, 그동안 유지해 오던 행복도 어느세 바람앞의 촛불 꼴이 되어버린 듯 하다. 어서 희망이란 빛을 찾아 우리들 모두의 얼굴에 만족스러운 미소가 찾아오기를 바란다.

지금 당신의 얼굴엔, 당신 주위사람들의 얼굴에는 어떤 표정이 담겨있습니까? 모두가 미약하게나마 미소를 띄우고 있다면 당신이 부럽습니다. 진심으로...

Sunday, May 13, 2007

The Worst Day

So yeah... I had my college graduation ceremony yesterday. And as you can see from the title, it was horrible. Not because the ceremony itself was bad, but maybe because I was late to the ceremony.

Or, maybe it's because when I thought I was all set to go home, I was reminded about a bed, which I didn't even use for a year (I used it for a year before that), that I had to take care of because a friend of mine who gave it to me originally wanted it back, and so my father, my older brother and I had to tie it to the roof of our car and look like fools driving 15 min at 10 mph while holding the damn bed to make sure it doesn't fall.

Or, maybe it's because after moving that damn bed, it hit me that maybe the guy who actually used the bed for a year (for free!) should've been the one taking care of it, or maybe because I found out, after moving the bed (again), that the lease the guys who lived in that apartment had doesn't end until way later, in which case I could have just left it there for my friend to come and pick it up later.

Or, all things aside, maybe my day was already ruined when my name was not called at the ceremnoy, and I was sitting in the line behind the last row like a jackass, while others were all going onto podium and get their diploma. The worst thing about this is that nobody seemed to notice this. Nobody. There are several possibilities as to why this happened, but I'm not gonna go into it here. Let me just say, although I pity my school for what happened recently, I am greatly angry and disappointed at Virginia Tech. @#%@^@$%@#!!!!

This is not me, by the way.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

This Thing Called Idea

There is nothing more motivating and refreshing than seeing someone receiving your idea with great excitement and approval. This is especially true if you know, or at least think, that the idea is truely yours and original that you are the only who's thinking about anything like that.

At the same time, however, there is nothing more frustrating than knowing that, even with such an original idea, there is nothing much you can do to make that idea become a reality. It's like finding out the secret recipe of Coca-Cola, but realizing there is no way to obtain necessary ingredient to produce it.

For me, what is missing is skills, including people skill, to get into a company of the related field to at least get a chance of bringing that idea into reality. It's such a shame and depressing that the chance of me getting into those companies is extremely slim.

What's even more depressing is knowing what I should be doing, but having no patience to actually do what needs to be done. That's the worst thing of all.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Farewell, My Friends.

Facing my graduation ceremony--commencement ceremony, rather--I think about the implication of this to my lifestyle. What does it mean? How will it change my life from this point and on? Besides some of the obvious changes, such as office life, financial burden, independence, and so on, there is one that I haven't been thinking about.

People. The people I came to call my friends. What will happen to them?

To some of you, the answer may be pretty obvious. They will still be friends, and probably you'll come to visit them once in a while. However, the thing for me is that I still don't know where I will be after school. I don't know where I will be living, and if I move to somewhere far away, I'm not so sure if I'll come and visit them. I don't know if I'll see them ever again.

This may sound so cold-hearted to you, but growing apart from people happened to me so many times. I have moved around alot, and whenever I move, I've never ever went back to where I came from. Since the summer of the year '99, when I came over here from overseas, I've never visited my homeland again. It's been so long, and I only talk to very few of the people from that place and even that happens very rarely.

So what will happen to the people over here? Same thing happened to my friends back in the days, of course. Some will stay friends, and some will become strangers again (relatively speaking). Therefore, I feel the need to say proper "good-bye" to those I may not ever see again.

But several of them have already left the campus, and I have missed the chance to do so. Although I feel bad about it, I'd like to use this place to bid proper farewell (if it can be one).

Good-Bye, and farewell. May your trail be full of happiness and success.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Eternity Ends

e·ter·ni·ty [i-tur-ni-tee]
–noun, plural -ties.
  1. infinite time; duration without beginning or end.
  2. eternal existence, esp. as contrasted with mortal life: the eternity of God.
  3. Theology. the timeless state into which the soul passes at a person's death.
  4. an endless or seemingly endless period of time.
  5. eternities, the truths or realities of life and thought that are regarded as timeless or eternal.

Focus on the first: duration without beginning or end. Putting the word end and eternity together; a paradox it is. This world--from our perspective, at least--is eternal; we do not know its beginning, or its end. She will live on, even if the last of humanity evaporates.

But she is tender , susceptible to changes. One moment she is warm and embracing. She's like a mother caring over her child, holding an infant in her bossom, tending and caring, singing him a lullaby. We're happy. Everything falls in right places, smile on people walking on streets... All is well.

Then the world falls apart, people dying, crying... Like a mad mother without sanity, she takes away what she has given to us. So many hearts are broken, and in the midst of craziness, we start taking what are not our own. War breaks out, we start to hate eachother, and no one smiles anymore.

In the wreckage, that time's paradigm, which we hold so dearly as if our lives depend upon it, shifts... and a new era comes. What we have been holding true, what we used to believe, the things we had hoped to continue on to eternity, faces its end--its death.

And so, eternity ends.

Belief, our lives, our rationale, everything changes. Each day, each minute, each fraction of second, our perception becomes false. World changes faster and faster. We are at a time when we must change, destory everything we have in our minds--if we are to survive and live on to eternity.

And new eternity has begun.