썸머 시작한지 얼마나 되었다고 이러는 것일까..
벌써 학교에 있기가 싫다..
집에 가고싶다..
한국에 가고싶다..
그저..그냥..어디론가 떠나고 싶다..
보고싶은 사람이 없다..
내 마음을 주고싶은 사람이 없다..
같이 내 삶의 순간 순간들을 나누고 싶은 사람이..
없다.....
난..
....외롭다
- On a lonely day, May 2004
어떤 계기로 오래전에 적은 일기를 들추어 보게 됐다.
존재했는지도 잊어버린 나의 생각들.
길지도, 짧지도 않은 4년이란 세월이 지난 지금,
그 시절의 생각을 되세기며 내 자신의 등을 토닥이며 말한다:
"먼 길을 오느라 힘들었지? 잘왔어, 짜샤."
I can't thank God enough for giving me a chance to experience such a marvelous event, to be filled with joy, thrill, and inspiration for the better tomorrow.
We've done it. We've become the beacon of light, the flagpole of hope for the world. Now let's deliver on the promises and all the expectations.
To be fatuously honest, one of the reasons my last relationship didn't last is that I thought of the other immature. This is silly that it's funny because looking back, it was I that was the young one, not knowing a thing what he was doing.
At the time, I wanted to be a responsible and reliable adult (I still do) and started the relationship because she appeared to be remarkably mature for her age. Maybe I thought I'd be an adult by having one next to me. When I discovered that she was, in fact, a teenage girl still struggling to shape her ego, I found myself in a mulky position. And rest is history.
What I realized after the breakup is something that everyone knows: people change, or grow, in this case. Shortly after, I found her changing--for the better--very fast that I actually regretted not giving more deliberation to the decision and time for the relationship. In short, I just didn't hold out long enough.
People make mistakes. People make all kinds of stupid calls and from those, they learn. I believe I've learned something out of this... and I shall put it to practice this time around, and hope that this time, I will have a relationship I always wanted: a meaningful, deep, and mature relationship.
It feels like I get tired just by sitting at my desk in this window-less, all-gray and bland office.
It is a psychological thing? Is my attitude towards this place doing it? How about you? Do you get tired just by being at your work?
These days, I'm being a topic among people around me. There has been so many gossip about my life... Although I want to deny it, I think, deep inside me, a part of me is actually enjoying this. This is bad. And I shall put an end to it...
Well, it soon will, anyways.