Reason

When I love something, there is a reason. When I enjoy spending my time on something, there is a reason. And it is this: I learn from them. Not learning anything, but of human, of ourselves.

It doesn't have to be a bloated, mouthful cluster-fuck akin to Ghost in the Shell. It can be as simple as a ... fairy tale. A cartoon that remotely relates to the world we live in. Or even a dumb sci-fi extravaganza, that is Battlestar Galactica.

This desire to satiate my thirst for something human goes beyond my entertainment preference. It also applies to pretty much everything else: my work, my readings, friends, acquaintances, and relationships.

And this is one thing I will not compromise.

Sympathy for...

There's a small book that I've been slowly digesting lately. It has given me many insights on why I was suffering from things that I do, and what I could do about it.

One of those things is that while I may cry about my various faults alot, I might not want to fix those shortcomings; I might be doing what I do just to be comforted, and feel my friends' sympathy towards me.

I give my thanks to all of you who've tried and been trying to lend me a helping hand and moral support. Now that I got my wake-up call, I guess I'll actually try to get better now.

Burrowing

Recently, a certain individual (or two to be more accurate) caused a small light to go off in my head: I can no longer make friends. From surface, it seems everything's just fine; I'm leading a happy happy life with many new friends and even a girl friend.

But the thing is, well, with the exception of my girl, I don't feel that close to anyone around me. Even when I'm laughing, chatting and cracking small jokes, behind my mask I am instinctively drawing a line that I will not let that person to cross. If I feel like I'm getting closer to that person, if I feel as if I will cross that imaginary line, I somehow turn my head away, make an excuse, and start growing apart from that person. I don't call that person. I try to end conversation. I stop relating to that person.

This behavior has been so apparent lately. Anywhere, anytime I'm with someone--say coworker, church friends, kendo people, whatever--I usually don't speak much. I really can't say something that's relevant, something that echoes with people around me. I'm usually in my own world, thinking about stuff that matters to me.

I remember that I used to be able to befriend people quite easily. What happen to that 'me'? Am I incapable of social life anymore?

PS. Somehow I think this is related to my love towards game. But that's for a seperate post.