It's a Simple Thing. So Simple..to Forget.

I had a dream last night. A dream that escaped my memories.. but one small thing from it suddenly came back this afternoon.

The dream awakened the feeling, the honest and pure feeling of excitement, happiness, this feeling of butterfly in my stomach, something that brings smile on my face... for no good reason.

Yes, this is the feeling that I long for. Yes, this is what's been missing in my life. From some time ago, I don't know when, but maybe since I learned to measure people, I've never felt this feeling.

There certainly have been times when it came close. Yes. But even then, I didn't lose myself. I was calculating and weighing, constantly, in my head.

Will that day when I forget myself and enjoy the moment come? Will she?

Reminded

Living several hundred miles away from rest of the family apparently leads each other to grow apart. It's not that they stop to love each other, but each other's problems start to look like someone else's problems. Well, maybe not completely, but to some degrees, I think it's true. It certainly is in my case. Yesterday, I was again reminded of how screwed my family's situation is, something I honestly haven't been thinking about for awhile.

I know every family has its own problem to overcome, but I think it's especially challenging for my family; things just doesn't change, no, we don't change. We keep refusing to accept our fault and arrogance, and always try to work around it without going into the root of all evil and work our way up from there. This is like figuring out how not to fall when you pull tablecloth out, all the while you are standing right on top of it. No, it's more like figuring out how not to look like a fool while doing all that.

I may be at fault for not genuinly inclined to help them in every possible way, or even for not being with them when the shit hits the fan, but, I just can't throw myself in the way of the filth, just to let them deny their inevitable hard decision a little bit longer.

I just can't bring myself to do it when all I see from them is ... refusal to accept the real help.

I Wish...

Days seem especially short these days now that I'm in the middle of packing and moving boxes to the new apartments.

And I hate it.

I really wish I had more time after work, about 4 hours more, just to chill and relax. But the reality is cruel. I have to get at least 6 hours of sleep to function the next day. I really wish I had a super power--a supernatural power to function at 100% with no sleep.

Futile

I realize now that I am trying to fill the emtpiness in me with the "high" from buying needless things.

I constantly look up web-stores, trying to see who has the best deal on something I don't need right now.

I have a long list of "buy list" compiled and always look it up, update and edit it whenever I need a distraction.

I almost always think about what to buy after work; I have to make a constant effort to stop myself from driving toward CircuitCity.

No wonder I am not saving any money these days...

Where Art Thou?

"I've lost inspiration."

When I uttered those words to my friend, I finally realized, I don't have anything to look forward to, nothing that makes me feel full, happy, and not a waste. I've lost my purpose; the reason of my existance.

I'm yet to find it. My search goes on, and my hope dwindles. I hope there is someone out there...

There is someone out there, right?
Anyone there? Hello?