무너지지 않도록

그때까지 버틸수 있는 힘이 필요하다..

내 마음이 무너지지 않게

벽이 아닌

기둥을 세우는 지혜를

바란다..

Inspiration

I look around at work, and I see a lot of those who see very comfortable where they are, even complacent. It seems to me that their value is centered around supporting their family, and staying in a stable job, with stable income.

I am not one of those. I want something different. I want inspiration. I don't want to work just for steady income. I don't want to work for the bragging right of working at a giant company. No, I want to work for something I believe in, because you are what you do.

This is something I (once again) realized after watching Simon Sinek's talk (embedded below) on those who leads. He explains that companies should have a value, a belief that drives their actions, and they should find employees who believes in what the companies believe. "If you hire people just because they can do the job, they'll work for your money. But if you hire people who believes what you believe, they'll work with their blood, sweat and tears." Conversely, this means employees should work for companies that they believe in, not just ones that can pay you.

This echos several others (as to prove my belief that truths always comes together). Daniel Pink said about today's motivation on TED that for any work that's a little bit more complex than rudimentary tasks, simple rewards does not work. Instead, their intrinsic motivations, such as autonomy, mastery, and satisfaction, drives people to excel. This is in line with Simon's message. People work not for money, but for their own belief.

In this blog, I've complained about how I'm miserable here at work, doing the work I don't want to do, just for the money. At those times, I simply complained that the tasks I'm doing weren't fun, weren't challenging, and I didn't find a reason to apply myself. But now I see that there's more to that: I don't believe in what this company believes in.

Actually, I didn't know what this company believed in. It wasn't communicated to me at all. "Never forget who we work for," this company's slogan always says. Now what does it mean? Who do we work for? Various companies from various parts of the world... So what does it mean by that? I simply don't know. A quick look at the website reveals a short statement for it's "Vision": "Powered By Innovation, Guided By Integrity, We Help Our Customers Achieve Their Most Challenging Goals." Again, it doesn't believe anything. Simply of delivering goods that its customers demand.

I want to work where I can contribute to advancement of the humanity, enrich its knowledge and art, or work to secure humanity's survival past the emptiness of space. Launching my career at a place as empty in meaning as void, and spending four years in that place is enough. I think it is time to take control of my life.

Love at the End of the World

I used to long to be in a mad love
where all I could see was
that one special person
with nothing else to care for.

Yes, that's what I used to say
whenever someone asks me
what is the one last thing
I want to do if this world
was to come to an end tomorrow.

Yeah, but to be honest,
I don't know any more.
I no longer think being in love
is the ultimate goal of my life.

I think I'm finally beginning to understand
why anyone would say
he would plant a tree
on the last day of the world.

Me. The Definition of.

Many of us have something we constantly think about, something we always get back to.

Meaning of my life and my work is something I always come back to. I used to think that my current job was absolutely devoid of any substance, something that can be filled by anyone.

Well, I guess that is true. If I were to be gone tomorrow, there will surely be someone who'll step up to my plate and play the role I am playing right now.

With this thought, I kept thinking about what kind of job, what kind of life will suit me. What kind of life will I fill purposeful in?

Gadgets.
All those awe-inspiring, glittering, and wow-ing technology devices that
always keeps reinventing themselves. Yes--I thought. If I were working in that industry, I'd be the center of today's world, spinning crazily, trying to out-do competitors.

But then, as I've said before somewhere on this blog, I was already tired of gadgets. They are pretty much on a linear path, growing faster and faster, better and better. Our phone will become more and more useful, our computers smarter and faster, our cars more efficient and safer. Really, there isn't anything that's really, truly meaningful here. This portion of world is built like a working machine, that does what it's supposed to do.

Then how about my own job?
My job involves supporting the development of much more bigger, more expensive, and more grandiose technological object--weapons. Or more precisely, weapons delivery systems. My job--although very, very indirectly speaking--actually involves in saving--and, unfortunately, killing--human lives.

Hmm, sure it looks more meaningful.
I mean, it involves some of the most advanced technologies available to us at the time. Government is directly involved in this, and the fruit of my work is directly involved in one important aspect that's been with humanity's history--warfare.

But then again, war is war. Humans have been fighting war as long as it's existed. Again, there isn't anything truly new here.

Now, I've made a full circle--or more like several ones--and I'm back in the same place. Left with no substance. Nothing to define myself with.

So, my thought goes on.

Maybe I was looking for myself in wrong places.
Maybe, my job isn't me. Maybe this world doesn't define me.

Then, what does?

Well, gee, I don't know. Mankind's greatest minds haven't been able to answer it, and surely, I can't, either.

But there is one sure thing:

I, myself define myself.
The world around me can be whatever shape it wants to be. You can tell me who I am, or what I am. But those things don't do anything for me. At least as long as I don't let them define me.

Sure, some people can let their job define them, their position in society to define them, or the size of number on their bank statement define them.

And as you can see, I refuse to do that to myself.
It's... just not me.

There isn't anything in this world that defines me.

I am me.
The soul I have,
the soul that controls my body, my brain, and my heart..
it defines me.

And I'm finally letting go of my ego,
and letting a bigger hand take care of my soul.

What am I?

I am what He let's me be.

부러움

주위에 보기 좋은 커플이 몇몇 생기기 시작했다.
그냥 보기에 너무 잘 어울려서, 그저 보기 좋아서
시작한 마음이.. 어느세 부러움으로 변해있다.
그런거 보면 내가.. 외로움을 타긴 타나보다.

언제나 혼자 설수 있는 그런 강한 사람들이
모여 진정한 사랑을 할 수 있다고 생각하고
강해지고 싶어했지만

정작 내 자신은 그런 사람의 정 반대가 되어버렸다.

아직 많은 수련이 필요한 내 자신..
너무 불쌍하고 가엽고 슬픈 내 자신..

...

The Vicious Cycle of Our Lives

Even though we are prone to bad behaviors all the time, it is my firm belief that we know exactly what is the right things and the wrong things to do each and every moment--unless you're either high or drunk, but that's beside the point--even while we're doing the wrong thing. This is because, I believe, of laziness. I, for example, know that I really should concentrate on work, and I should stop blogging and surfing the net--I keep blogging because working requires more energy and willpower to maintain focus.

Here is a list of some other things that I know I really ought to be doing on daily basis, but I am not:

1. Be truly religious. Give up my everything to Him and be a humble servant. This, contrary to today's culture of greed and pride, is the only true way to real happiness on this Hellish world. Be helpful to others, be loving, and give up. Simple, yes, but extremely hard.
2. STOP PLAYING GAMES. This may be the single most life-depriving activity I constantly come back to every day. While gaming itself can't be faulted for every hardship I go through, it is the root of all evil as it takes up most of my free time and energy that I should spend on other more productive activities, such as the next one.
3. Work on personal projects. As I've expressed several times before, the current job isn't in the path to the career goal I wish to pursue. Basically, I'm sticking with this position to survive this economic winter, and keep paying the bill. So, it's probably given that I am not getting any experience in skills that are directly applicable to my desired career. To supplement this gap, I need to launch some project that is in alignment with my goal.

I realize that more than a quarter of my life have already passed. Each year is becoming shorter and shorter as I grow older and older--There's only 1/3 of 2010 left, already! I don't think I should waste any of my time, but of course, this is easier said than done. If you ask me why I don't do the above if I know so well, I'll say that I am waiting for someone to break me out of it. By myself alone, it just feels impossible to do anything else than repeating yesterday. Or maybe I'm afraid of something. As Frodo said,

" I know what I must do, it's just that... I'm afraid to do it. "

The Alignment of Your Career

Soon after I started working in a different team, one of the technical lead sat down with me and another employee and talked a bit about how to excel in a company, and later make some big bucks. It was rather simple:

Align your career with company's objectives.

By this, he meant that you need to think about what kind of business the company is in to generate revenue. Does it make some machines? Or maybe build web solutions? And then, you need to think about what you are doing at the company, and see how it relates to that business. If your career does not directly relate to the product, regardless of what you think, you are not among the most valued member of the organization. There are plenty of others who can replace you, and will replace you, once you become old, inefficient, or both. Conversely, if your work is related to making the product, then congratulations. You will probably make a lot of money. (Provided you work hard, of course.)

Here's an example the tech lead gave us: if your company makes satellites, then there's no use being a software developer; your career will soon hit a ceiling and stop growing after a certain point. On the other hand, if you are a system integrator, who knows software as well as the hardware, then you're on the road to be among the most valued workers at that company. (Satellite is basically that--a system of hardware and software.)

This may be painfully obvious if you're currently working for, or have worked for a small or medium sized company, such as start-up or venture companies. However, for someone like me who has launched a career in a huge corporation and lack a clear view of the big picture of his career life, or has spent way too much time in one that the career has lost its momentum, this advice is rather new, fresh, and quite alarming one.

Now, the company I'm working for, at least the branch I am working at, builds military airplanes that are used all over the world. And I'm working there as--guess what?--a software engineer. Again, a software guy working at a hardware company. This, he tells me, is a big no-no. I have practically no hand in getting the airplane through the door, and so, from the company's point of view, I am placed pretty low in the corporate pyramid.

Now that I know, there are two options available: 1) adjust my career goal to go along with this company and set my mind on building the airplane, or 2)--I hope no one at my work is looking at this--switch the company to the one that makes money doing what I want to do.

And so far, I haven't decided.

Why Me?

Recently, I was reminded of a childhood friend from all the way back in a Korean elementary school, by meeting a person with the same name. She wasn't really a close friend to be remembered. But I remember her existence anyways and will probably never forget.

It's not that she was gorgeous in any ways; she wasn't. She may have been prettier than the norm, but at my age, I was more interested in horsing around and creating trouble than in girls.

Instead, I remember her for what she did; she nominated me for that year's classroom president. (This is not the regular class president that you may think of. In Korean school structure, each grade is divided into several "rooms", where each room acts as a tight organization. They study in same classroom for the most of the time, share same assigned teacher, and, of course, elect a president and officers of that room to take care of itself.)

It was totally out of the blue. I was, and still am, very uninterested when it comes to taking up responsibility of a social organization and the power that comes from taking a position such as a president. I was never interested in any school-related issues, nor of us students. Heck, I never even cared for a good grade. As long as I had some friends to wreck havoc with, I was golden. Even at the moment she nominated me, I was buy chit-chatting with a nearby friend and not paying attention. On top of that, she wasn't even one of my close friend as I've mentioned before. The only thing I remember her is studying piano under the same teacher.

After all these years, I am still curious the reason behind her decision to nominate me. Why? What was she thinking? And what did she see in me (if she did at all)?

PS. The election result? Do I even need to tell you? I never held such position until I was forced to take such position in college. Let's leave it at that.

It's All About Skills

Here is a list of required/desired skills a game development company is looking for at this time. This list is for a Software Tool Developer position at one of the better known studios.

I post it up here as a reminder to myself how much work I really have. Working at a stable job, it's easy to forget what is out there, and how far behind I actually am. As this listing shows, I truly worth nothing.

I've got a loooong way to go, and I better get my act straight and start pushing myself forward towards my dream job...

Requirements/Skills

• EXCELLENT MATH SKILLS
• 3-5 years of professional games experience
• C++, C#, and C++/CLI expertise
• Experience in creating the following PC applications: level editor (actor
  placement, navigation meshes, particles, boundary regions, etc), art prototype
  catalogue/database, animation/cinematic editor, material/shader editor, plugins,
  build tools, data messaging tools, lighting tools
• Experience using the following technologies: Maya Plug-in API, SQL, OpenGL,
  CG/HLSL
  Ability to design, author, and maintain complex tools used in
  different parts of the production pipeline

Bonus Skills

• Experience using DCC applications (3DStudio/Maya/Photoshop/XSI/...)
• Knowledge of scripting languages (Python/MelScript/Lua/VBScript.)
• GUI art/design skills

A Confession

My name is Peter Park. I am a software engineer at a huge US defense contractor. I am getting paid pretty well, even more so with recent promotion to "Software Engineer" from a "Software Engineer Associate." My job security with this company is tremendously stable, even in this God-forsaken economy. And the work schedule is very flexible--I get every other Fridays off. The job also provides numerous benefits, like a retirement savings plan, health benefit, and even a corporate discount on my cell phone service.

And I am very unhappy with my work.

The work I do is extremely dull. It involves looking at documents for hours after hours. (For instance, for the past two months, all I've been working on are a mere couple of documents and nothing else. And I do mean absolutely nothing else.) My work here is a tiniest part of the overarching program. And the program, as a whole, moves at a glacial pace--it's a same damn aircraft for past 50 years. My typical day involves sitting, staring at the screen, typing in a few character, slacking, eating lunch at my desk all-day-long, and... that's about it. Not much of interaction with coworkers, impromptu meeting with my task lead or team lead, phone calls...

On top of this--probably the worst part of it all--no matter how hard I slack, no one (not even a manager) bothers to drop in and say that I need to step up and start performing! You might think that they may know how I'm working, and that someday, I will get hammered for this, but actually, I was commended for the work I've put into the team effort. ... So, apparently, they do think I'm working hard like a worker bee in my little cube.

Everyday at work, I constantly think about 'what if' scenarios: 'What if I chose different major at college?' 'What if I wasn't working as an engineer?' 'What if I was at a different, a smaller company?' I always think of a place where my work is more dynamic, challenging, busy, and where I get along well with my coworkers, probably making a few friends as well. (Most of the employees here are in their retirement years, and rest in their 40s or at least with families and kids. I feel so left out.) Sometimes, I even look up job listings at some companies I would like to work at... The only thing that's holding me off is the possibility that any other places may be just like this place where it's dull and slow with tons of red tapes and processes.

Clock is slowly ticking. With it, it's taking my life away. But I'm not too mad at it about this moment. I just want this day to end, so I can go home and enjoy my time away from this hole.

My name is Peter Park. And I am a slacker and a daydreamer.

Being Free

이젠 자존심을 좀 죽이고 원하는 것이 있으면 눈치보지 않고 그저 마음가는 대로 행동하고 싶다. 쪽팔린다고, 하찮은 것을 좋아하며 실실대는 것이 자존심 상한다고 정말 좋아하는 것을 마다하고 쿨 한척 하는건 더이상 건강에 나쁜것 같기도 하고, 답답하기도 하다. 이젠 더이상 주위 상관 안하고, 너무 깊히 생각하지 않고 그저 원하는 대로, 마음가는 대로 하며 살아가고 싶다...

솔직히 맨날 귀찮다, 게을러서 어쩐다 하지만, 정말 생각해 보면 나를 묶어두는 것은 게으름이 아니라 이놈의 존심인것 같다. 이쓸데없는 놈 때문에 노래방에서 노래도 잘 안부르고, 신나는 노래가 나와도 춤도 안추고, 보고있으면 어느새 실실 거리는 내 모습이 싫어서 괜한 최신 가수/아이돌 욕하고... 그러면서 알아듣지도 못하는, 재미없고 따분한 "명작" 영화를 찾아 본다거나 하는건 정말 위선적인 것 같다. (뭐, 그렇다고 지금까지 열광하던 것들이 사실은 그런 척 했다는건 아니다..)

앞으로는 너무 쪽팔려하거나 부끄러워 하지 않고, 내세울건 내놓고, 좋은건 좋아하며 시원시원하게 살고싶다.

PS. 결국 하고싶은 말은... 나도 소녀시대가 좋다는 말. ㅋㅋㅋ
요즘 매일같이 Genie를 보며 좋아라 하고있다.
심지어 소시가 나온 프로그램도 찾아 보고있다!!
ㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎ... 아, 자제해야지..

Commencement II

Being an irresponsible adult (it feels weird to use this word on myself), I always find myself slacking at my desk, each and every day at work. This is weird because after each unproductive work day, I always feel awful for what I've done, and make a promise with myself to put in more effort and be productive next day. Of course, such resolve doesn't last even a day; I return to work the next day, only to dive right into internet, and surf, surf, and surf a little more.

Well, at least I do feel bad about this, right? At least I'm not comfortable living like this. If I were, I'd be utterly hopeless.

But then again, I'm not really showing any sign of improvement. As soon as I get some work done, I fall back to slacking. I think I'm just waiting for something or someone to break me out of this poisonous habbit.

And I think I am about to get that medicine, soon.

The thing is, soon, I will be "loaned" to another team across the hall because of some complication at work. (Which, I have to say, was cause by my fickleness.) And that team is headed by some ex-military, hard-liner, white male ...guys, it looks like I will be put up to some harsh tasking. I will be given a task, a deadline, and nothing more. And by the deadline, I "better get it done," one of the more friendly guy tells me.

I guess it was more of how he said it to me that made me wary of what I'm about to get into--you know, the kind of heavy and forceful talk you hear coming out of military guys. Couple that with all the rumor I've heard about the team's lead being someone "hard to work with" (not because he's a weirdo, but because he's relentless about schedule and productivity) and you may know why I am troubled and became rather worried. (And I'm not expecting you to feel sorry about this. I'm not.)

The bottom line is, come next month, I'll be thrown into the light where I will no longer find some shadow to hide in and horse around. Well, I guess this is for the better; I will have to work harder, and probably this will carry me further than slacking hard.

The next chapter of my still young career is about to commence.

Reason

When I love something, there is a reason. When I enjoy spending my time on something, there is a reason. And it is this: I learn from them. Not learning anything, but of human, of ourselves.

It doesn't have to be a bloated, mouthful cluster-fuck akin to Ghost in the Shell. It can be as simple as a ... fairy tale. A cartoon that remotely relates to the world we live in. Or even a dumb sci-fi extravaganza, that is Battlestar Galactica.

This desire to satiate my thirst for something human goes beyond my entertainment preference. It also applies to pretty much everything else: my work, my readings, friends, acquaintances, and relationships.

And this is one thing I will not compromise.

Sympathy for...

There's a small book that I've been slowly digesting lately. It has given me many insights on why I was suffering from things that I do, and what I could do about it.

One of those things is that while I may cry about my various faults alot, I might not want to fix those shortcomings; I might be doing what I do just to be comforted, and feel my friends' sympathy towards me.

I give my thanks to all of you who've tried and been trying to lend me a helping hand and moral support. Now that I got my wake-up call, I guess I'll actually try to get better now.

Burrowing

Recently, a certain individual (or two to be more accurate) caused a small light to go off in my head: I can no longer make friends. From surface, it seems everything's just fine; I'm leading a happy happy life with many new friends and even a girl friend.

But the thing is, well, with the exception of my girl, I don't feel that close to anyone around me. Even when I'm laughing, chatting and cracking small jokes, behind my mask I am instinctively drawing a line that I will not let that person to cross. If I feel like I'm getting closer to that person, if I feel as if I will cross that imaginary line, I somehow turn my head away, make an excuse, and start growing apart from that person. I don't call that person. I try to end conversation. I stop relating to that person.

This behavior has been so apparent lately. Anywhere, anytime I'm with someone--say coworker, church friends, kendo people, whatever--I usually don't speak much. I really can't say something that's relevant, something that echoes with people around me. I'm usually in my own world, thinking about stuff that matters to me.

I remember that I used to be able to befriend people quite easily. What happen to that 'me'? Am I incapable of social life anymore?

PS. Somehow I think this is related to my love towards game. But that's for a seperate post.

Self-consciousness

I recently came across a blog post about voice acting in games, which mentions an important aspect of acting:

"...an actor's devotion to playing the Oscar Meyer Weiner isn't terribly different from his devotion to playing Hamlet. Two radically different styles, but each requires 100% commitment. Anything less in either role - even the smallest bit of self-consciousness - and you're left with awkward floundering."
- "Voicing concern," by Micheal Abbott, The Brainy Gamer

Having been traumatically humiliated in an abysmal skit a few weekends ago at my church retreat, I felt a lightening hit me when I read the above lines. It's precisely what I failed at: forgetting self-consciousness for the duration of the skit and immerse myself in the role. So, I did something a performer should never, ever do in front of an audience: freeze.

This self-consciousness has cost me, and is prohibiting me, from enjoying a lot of things. I can't have fun at kareoke. I can't dance in fear of humiliating myself. I don't dare to give any presentation--this is really devastating in workplace. And most critically, I simply can't enjoy a company.

Yes, this must be why I have impossibly hard time befriending anyone. If you're afraid to really act honestly, genuinely true to your mind, how can you share anything?

Sigh...

I may seem like I'm thinking too much and too often, but I really can't help it. I need a good shrink who'd get me out of this sh*thole. Or I'll implode at some point.

Circle

Relationship.

If I wanted it to calm me down,
embrace me with its warm breast,
soothe me with its soft and gentle touch
so that I can feel free to be brave,
try what I could not before...
because I would have a home to come back to
and lay down for the day's rest,

was I expecting too much?

Yes.
I know that my expectation is high.
This is not a place to look for such comfort.

I know that such relief can only come
when I finally let go of my childish stubbornness
to hold onto what's good to this earlthly body and its desires..

...and let myself loose in His bosom.

I know that
it is the last and the first step to become...
an adult..
be someone I always eager to be...
someone who is so respectable
so responsible of his actions.

And..
I hoped you could be the one to lead me there...

And..
my hope was indeed misplaced.

I know...
"I know what I must do...
but I am afraid to do it..."

It's time to stand on my own feet.

Again.

Something I (don't) Live For

"To create a world where science and technology are celebrated... where young people dream of becoming science and technology heroes."

This is a quote from a website about a robotics competition I was looking up for one of my (required) volunteer opportunities for my work. (Yeah, really. A required volunteer. How fun.) When I read this line, I realized something. This is what people in this work place dream of; to be a hero in science and technology world. The problem is, I'm not really all that excited about technological and scientific stuff. More precisely, not anymore.

Thinking back, I used to be truly excited, fascinated and even flabbergasted by all things technology: computers, airplanes, spacecrafts, TVs, cell phones, new GPUs, huge HDDs, and so on. I used to look up online for newest gadgets, read an electronics' manual from cover to cover, or tell my not-so-tech-savvy family about what's hot out there, and why we need it.

But that enthusiasm started to fade away at some point. I started to get less excited by continuous stream of new tech stuff and get tired at being disappointed by them. I got tired of listening to fanboys railing about why something's so cool*. I started to feel empty even when I purchased a cool new toy, which I'd soon drop and look for something else. I think I started to see how things are in this side of the world; everything is bound to lose the "coolness," and so a better new thing must be developed. This is the fundamental driving force of technology; everything's got to be better, hotter, and cooler. (How you manage one thing to be cool and hot at the same time is beyond me.)

Ultimately, I realized that these things will never be able to satiate my thirst for the warmth and the comfort I eager all the time. What can satisfy me is that the people, not of the machine.

And that's what I want: human feelings. A moving story; a great work of art; a breath-taking photograph; something that makes me stop for a second and think. Something that moves every single cell in my body, and feel an emotion I cannot describe. A powerful message that can only be delivered by sound, or by image.

I want more than "cool." I want art. I am slowly realizing that I am in the wrong side of the world, and that's why as each day passes by, I get more tired and exhausted, less willing to get out of the bed each morning.

*This word, "cool," seems to dominate this world, as if it's like a word of truth, a word to live by, and die by. I'm really tired to hear something is so cool or that's not cool. There's plenty of other adjectives than "cool," you know.

첫인상

제길-_- 쓰던거 다 날라갔다. ....걍 그렇다고.

어익후

누구는 억울하게 홀로 생사를 오가는 외롭고 고된 나날을 보내는데
나는 풍족한 이곳에서 모든것이 다 있는 이 자리에서
사랑타령이나 하고 불만불평이나 늘어놓고 있고나.

아이고 내 어리석은 자신아.
언제서야 제대로 된 사람이 될꺼냐...