Inspiration

I look around at work, and I see a lot of those who see very comfortable where they are, even complacent. It seems to me that their value is centered around supporting their family, and staying in a stable job, with stable income.

I am not one of those. I want something different. I want inspiration. I don't want to work just for steady income. I don't want to work for the bragging right of working at a giant company. No, I want to work for something I believe in, because you are what you do.

This is something I (once again) realized after watching Simon Sinek's talk (embedded below) on those who leads. He explains that companies should have a value, a belief that drives their actions, and they should find employees who believes in what the companies believe. "If you hire people just because they can do the job, they'll work for your money. But if you hire people who believes what you believe, they'll work with their blood, sweat and tears." Conversely, this means employees should work for companies that they believe in, not just ones that can pay you.

This echos several others (as to prove my belief that truths always comes together). Daniel Pink said about today's motivation on TED that for any work that's a little bit more complex than rudimentary tasks, simple rewards does not work. Instead, their intrinsic motivations, such as autonomy, mastery, and satisfaction, drives people to excel. This is in line with Simon's message. People work not for money, but for their own belief.

In this blog, I've complained about how I'm miserable here at work, doing the work I don't want to do, just for the money. At those times, I simply complained that the tasks I'm doing weren't fun, weren't challenging, and I didn't find a reason to apply myself. But now I see that there's more to that: I don't believe in what this company believes in.

Actually, I didn't know what this company believed in. It wasn't communicated to me at all. "Never forget who we work for," this company's slogan always says. Now what does it mean? Who do we work for? Various companies from various parts of the world... So what does it mean by that? I simply don't know. A quick look at the website reveals a short statement for it's "Vision": "Powered By Innovation, Guided By Integrity, We Help Our Customers Achieve Their Most Challenging Goals." Again, it doesn't believe anything. Simply of delivering goods that its customers demand.

I want to work where I can contribute to advancement of the humanity, enrich its knowledge and art, or work to secure humanity's survival past the emptiness of space. Launching my career at a place as empty in meaning as void, and spending four years in that place is enough. I think it is time to take control of my life.

Me. The Definition of.

Many of us have something we constantly think about, something we always get back to.

Meaning of my life and my work is something I always come back to. I used to think that my current job was absolutely devoid of any substance, something that can be filled by anyone.

Well, I guess that is true. If I were to be gone tomorrow, there will surely be someone who'll step up to my plate and play the role I am playing right now.

With this thought, I kept thinking about what kind of job, what kind of life will suit me. What kind of life will I fill purposeful in?

Gadgets.
All those awe-inspiring, glittering, and wow-ing technology devices that
always keeps reinventing themselves. Yes--I thought. If I were working in that industry, I'd be the center of today's world, spinning crazily, trying to out-do competitors.

But then, as I've said before somewhere on this blog, I was already tired of gadgets. They are pretty much on a linear path, growing faster and faster, better and better. Our phone will become more and more useful, our computers smarter and faster, our cars more efficient and safer. Really, there isn't anything that's really, truly meaningful here. This portion of world is built like a working machine, that does what it's supposed to do.

Then how about my own job?
My job involves supporting the development of much more bigger, more expensive, and more grandiose technological object--weapons. Or more precisely, weapons delivery systems. My job--although very, very indirectly speaking--actually involves in saving--and, unfortunately, killing--human lives.

Hmm, sure it looks more meaningful.
I mean, it involves some of the most advanced technologies available to us at the time. Government is directly involved in this, and the fruit of my work is directly involved in one important aspect that's been with humanity's history--warfare.

But then again, war is war. Humans have been fighting war as long as it's existed. Again, there isn't anything truly new here.

Now, I've made a full circle--or more like several ones--and I'm back in the same place. Left with no substance. Nothing to define myself with.

So, my thought goes on.

Maybe I was looking for myself in wrong places.
Maybe, my job isn't me. Maybe this world doesn't define me.

Then, what does?

Well, gee, I don't know. Mankind's greatest minds haven't been able to answer it, and surely, I can't, either.

But there is one sure thing:

I, myself define myself.
The world around me can be whatever shape it wants to be. You can tell me who I am, or what I am. But those things don't do anything for me. At least as long as I don't let them define me.

Sure, some people can let their job define them, their position in society to define them, or the size of number on their bank statement define them.

And as you can see, I refuse to do that to myself.
It's... just not me.

There isn't anything in this world that defines me.

I am me.
The soul I have,
the soul that controls my body, my brain, and my heart..
it defines me.

And I'm finally letting go of my ego,
and letting a bigger hand take care of my soul.

What am I?

I am what He let's me be.

My Dream Company

Sometime ago, a friend of mine who actually seems wanting to see me working for a game company asked which company I would die to work for.

I couldn't answer.

It's not because I didn't have any favorite game company, and certainly not because I didn't want to jump into game industry. But it was rather because I was tired of corporate, dull work life.

Many would think that's why people join game industry, to live the exhilarating development life, but most development studios that people know are already a part of big companies, and are tied down by their own processes and procedures.

Of course, to produce quality work, there has to be some kind of process to manage the development. But when a parent company forces a studio to do something it's not willing to do, I see no point of working there (see Activision and Infinity Ward fiasco).

There were some names that floated in my head at the moment of asking: Valve Software, EA, Ubisoft Montreal... But each of those didn't seem good enough for me to say it outright.

Yeah, as if I can work for any of those, if I just wanted, right? Maybe it's best for me to accept that there will never be the dream job that I think about all the time.

*sigh*

It's All About Skills

Here is a list of required/desired skills a game development company is looking for at this time. This list is for a Software Tool Developer position at one of the better known studios.

I post it up here as a reminder to myself how much work I really have. Working at a stable job, it's easy to forget what is out there, and how far behind I actually am. As this listing shows, I truly worth nothing.

I've got a loooong way to go, and I better get my act straight and start pushing myself forward towards my dream job...

Requirements/Skills

• EXCELLENT MATH SKILLS
• 3-5 years of professional games experience
• C++, C#, and C++/CLI expertise
• Experience in creating the following PC applications: level editor (actor
  placement, navigation meshes, particles, boundary regions, etc), art prototype
  catalogue/database, animation/cinematic editor, material/shader editor, plugins,
  build tools, data messaging tools, lighting tools
• Experience using the following technologies: Maya Plug-in API, SQL, OpenGL,
  CG/HLSL
  Ability to design, author, and maintain complex tools used in
  different parts of the production pipeline

Bonus Skills

• Experience using DCC applications (3DStudio/Maya/Photoshop/XSI/...)
• Knowledge of scripting languages (Python/MelScript/Lua/VBScript.)
• GUI art/design skills

A Confession

My name is Peter Park. I am a software engineer at a huge US defense contractor. I am getting paid pretty well, even more so with recent promotion to "Software Engineer" from a "Software Engineer Associate." My job security with this company is tremendously stable, even in this God-forsaken economy. And the work schedule is very flexible--I get every other Fridays off. The job also provides numerous benefits, like a retirement savings plan, health benefit, and even a corporate discount on my cell phone service.

And I am very unhappy with my work.

The work I do is extremely dull. It involves looking at documents for hours after hours. (For instance, for the past two months, all I've been working on are a mere couple of documents and nothing else. And I do mean absolutely nothing else.) My work here is a tiniest part of the overarching program. And the program, as a whole, moves at a glacial pace--it's a same damn aircraft for past 50 years. My typical day involves sitting, staring at the screen, typing in a few character, slacking, eating lunch at my desk all-day-long, and... that's about it. Not much of interaction with coworkers, impromptu meeting with my task lead or team lead, phone calls...

On top of this--probably the worst part of it all--no matter how hard I slack, no one (not even a manager) bothers to drop in and say that I need to step up and start performing! You might think that they may know how I'm working, and that someday, I will get hammered for this, but actually, I was commended for the work I've put into the team effort. ... So, apparently, they do think I'm working hard like a worker bee in my little cube.

Everyday at work, I constantly think about 'what if' scenarios: 'What if I chose different major at college?' 'What if I wasn't working as an engineer?' 'What if I was at a different, a smaller company?' I always think of a place where my work is more dynamic, challenging, busy, and where I get along well with my coworkers, probably making a few friends as well. (Most of the employees here are in their retirement years, and rest in their 40s or at least with families and kids. I feel so left out.) Sometimes, I even look up job listings at some companies I would like to work at... The only thing that's holding me off is the possibility that any other places may be just like this place where it's dull and slow with tons of red tapes and processes.

Clock is slowly ticking. With it, it's taking my life away. But I'm not too mad at it about this moment. I just want this day to end, so I can go home and enjoy my time away from this hole.

My name is Peter Park. And I am a slacker and a daydreamer.

Commencement II

Being an irresponsible adult (it feels weird to use this word on myself), I always find myself slacking at my desk, each and every day at work. This is weird because after each unproductive work day, I always feel awful for what I've done, and make a promise with myself to put in more effort and be productive next day. Of course, such resolve doesn't last even a day; I return to work the next day, only to dive right into internet, and surf, surf, and surf a little more.

Well, at least I do feel bad about this, right? At least I'm not comfortable living like this. If I were, I'd be utterly hopeless.

But then again, I'm not really showing any sign of improvement. As soon as I get some work done, I fall back to slacking. I think I'm just waiting for something or someone to break me out of this poisonous habbit.

And I think I am about to get that medicine, soon.

The thing is, soon, I will be "loaned" to another team across the hall because of some complication at work. (Which, I have to say, was cause by my fickleness.) And that team is headed by some ex-military, hard-liner, white male ...guys, it looks like I will be put up to some harsh tasking. I will be given a task, a deadline, and nothing more. And by the deadline, I "better get it done," one of the more friendly guy tells me.

I guess it was more of how he said it to me that made me wary of what I'm about to get into--you know, the kind of heavy and forceful talk you hear coming out of military guys. Couple that with all the rumor I've heard about the team's lead being someone "hard to work with" (not because he's a weirdo, but because he's relentless about schedule and productivity) and you may know why I am troubled and became rather worried. (And I'm not expecting you to feel sorry about this. I'm not.)

The bottom line is, come next month, I'll be thrown into the light where I will no longer find some shadow to hide in and horse around. Well, I guess this is for the better; I will have to work harder, and probably this will carry me further than slacking hard.

The next chapter of my still young career is about to commence.

Something I (don't) Live For

"To create a world where science and technology are celebrated... where young people dream of becoming science and technology heroes."

This is a quote from a website about a robotics competition I was looking up for one of my (required) volunteer opportunities for my work. (Yeah, really. A required volunteer. How fun.) When I read this line, I realized something. This is what people in this work place dream of; to be a hero in science and technology world. The problem is, I'm not really all that excited about technological and scientific stuff. More precisely, not anymore.

Thinking back, I used to be truly excited, fascinated and even flabbergasted by all things technology: computers, airplanes, spacecrafts, TVs, cell phones, new GPUs, huge HDDs, and so on. I used to look up online for newest gadgets, read an electronics' manual from cover to cover, or tell my not-so-tech-savvy family about what's hot out there, and why we need it.

But that enthusiasm started to fade away at some point. I started to get less excited by continuous stream of new tech stuff and get tired at being disappointed by them. I got tired of listening to fanboys railing about why something's so cool*. I started to feel empty even when I purchased a cool new toy, which I'd soon drop and look for something else. I think I started to see how things are in this side of the world; everything is bound to lose the "coolness," and so a better new thing must be developed. This is the fundamental driving force of technology; everything's got to be better, hotter, and cooler. (How you manage one thing to be cool and hot at the same time is beyond me.)

Ultimately, I realized that these things will never be able to satiate my thirst for the warmth and the comfort I eager all the time. What can satisfy me is that the people, not of the machine.

And that's what I want: human feelings. A moving story; a great work of art; a breath-taking photograph; something that makes me stop for a second and think. Something that moves every single cell in my body, and feel an emotion I cannot describe. A powerful message that can only be delivered by sound, or by image.

I want more than "cool." I want art. I am slowly realizing that I am in the wrong side of the world, and that's why as each day passes by, I get more tired and exhausted, less willing to get out of the bed each morning.

*This word, "cool," seems to dominate this world, as if it's like a word of truth, a word to live by, and die by. I'm really tired to hear something is so cool or that's not cool. There's plenty of other adjectives than "cool," you know.

Bombs Away!

I just finished bidding, as they call it here, for another position within this company. It is like back in the summer of 2007, when I was biting my nails, waiting for any response from hiring managers. Boy, wasn't that a frustrating time? And I'm here doing it all over again, trying to find something that inspires me greatly, to keep me involved and motivated.

This is not to say that my current job sucks. I do believe I have grown much in this short time. But at the same time, I could've done much better. If I were more disciplined, I would've applied myself to work infinitely more, and be more involved in the team work, and also in meeting and familiarizing people who occupy the neighboring cubies.

And now that I think about it, it's been already a year since I've left my former home. Doesn't time go faster by day? It makes me wanna go back to school, just to slow time down. But we all know that's not true; time will constantly accelerate, no matter what we do. It's like the fundamental property of this world...or something. I'm sure my good friend can tell you the same. Well, in a year, he will say what I said here, that school doesn't slow time down.

Anyways, what makes this job transfer process more thrilling is that I haven't talked about this to anyone, yet. That includes my boss, too. You may say this is no-brainer, as looking for another job behind your boss'es back is a common sense in this cold and brutal business world. But the thing is, the way this company works is that when and if I am selected for an interview, they, meaning HR, I assume, will send a notification to my boss! This puts me in a nice and comfy position where I am constantly debating with myself, whether or not to tell my boss about what I am up to.

So, if I do tell my boss, I will not be seen as a backstabbing bastard. Or at least, not as much. But what if I do tell him, and then I am not selected to be interviewed? Then I'll be forever held as a betrayer-wannabe who just couldn't.

Ah, I just hope this uncomfy time just goes by, real fast.

My Lead

It is under tremendous stress or urgency when people lowers their guard, or mask, and reveals their ugly side they'd hoped to hide from public's eye's; one of the easiest place to observe a person's naked personality is, obviously, sports. But if sports is not your thing, it's kinda hard to see others real, personal sides.

My team that I currently belong to at work is under a heavy burden of finishing our software within deadline--we only have 2 more weeks. My goodness!--and under allotted budget. I'm actually out on an Air Force base, running and correcting tests and software on the fly with the person I currently look upon the most: my team lead. And because of his utterly obvious involvement and his enthusiasm towards our current project, I cannot think of anyone else who works so hard, and so well.

But I guess even Archilles' had to reveal his weak spot; my team lead, facing hectic schedule and enormous mountain of work, started to let never-before-seen traits out. There are some that I've spotted, but one thing I am most surprised to find out is his frustration with other coworkers we work with.

Yes, everyone has something to say about others, especially those he or she works with. Yet, this came to me as a surprise because he came to me as a person who's only capable of saying great things about others--he provided a fantastic, and thus very unrealistic input about me to my managers that they are so happy with me, and everything he said to me about others at work were only the positives, never even slightest bit negative. Until now, that is. (But he really is a good person still. Just not as much as I once thought he was.)

I guess I am trying to say that I'm still pretty gullible to the image people give out. Thought I was getting better at looking past appearance, but I fail to do so, yet again.

Say Hello to Crunch-Time!

By Tom Richmond of Tom's MAD Blog

I guess I should have anticipated this when I signed up to work here: every programmer's friend, the dreaded crunch time. During this week's team meeting, my boss, who doesn't join us normally, has payed a visit to state how imperative it is for us to do whatever possible to deliver our product on time--by early-May deadline. With our projected schedule progress predicting a deadline slip by appalling an month-delay, it is the management's hope to cram everything into these few months to be on-time.

What this means is a mandatory 20% overtime every single week until we release this thing, and that's 8-hours of OT every week. (That's 104 extra hours!) While this nets me more money to pay my bills, but... being forced to do OT, which is supposed to be voluntary, it's not all merry and glory to me. And it also implies no days off until the delivary date. Oops! Bye-bye, New Orleans.. :(

Anyways, back to work....

Crunch
crunch
crunch

Atlanta Welcomes Me

Yes, that means I have just accepted the offer from Lockheed Martin Aeronautics company, located near Atlanta, GA.

Some say it's far and too South for me, but I think not. I am all excited about this opportunity. Atlanta is big, home to some 5 milion people--so plenty of stuff to do--and extremely low cost of living compared to Northern Virginia... but most of all, it's aeronautics company!! That means I'll be making software that goes on Lockheed Martin's one of the longest selling cargo plane, C-130J Supoer Hercules*!! Well, a variation of C-130J Super Hercules that collects data inside storms to be precise, but exciting neverthless!

What's more exciting for me is that they actually assemble the plane in that giant building I'll be working at, and they also make the newest fighter jet, F-22!! I hope I can take some pictures...heheh.

Anyways, now this is done, I can now focus 100% on the research project I'm working on. I even have to show the group what I've been doing. (Um...) So time to concentrate!!

*You might have seen that plane at some point, because it's pretty much everywhere. They carry vehicles, troops, supplies, weapons... and of course, Naked Snake jumped off of it in Metal Gear Solid 3 in the beginning of the game as seen below:

I'm not 100% sure about this, but it sure looks like it.
Correct me if I'm wrong.

UPDATE: Yes, it is C-130, a modified version of it. AC-130 SPECTRE, as it is named, is modified by Boeing to be equiped with powerful guns to give support to ground troops.

Yet Another One

With the deadline to respond to the offer nearing, I scored yet another interview with a competing company here in DC metro area. To give it a shot, I am back at home...only after 4 days since I left here. I don't know why I'm so lucky with getting interviews these days, but the recruiter was very eager to bring me in, and extend an offer that will defeat the one I already have if possible. Which items on my resume did she like that much, I wonder? Or is it the feedback from all those interviews I head previously? What kind of feedback did they give? I wish there was a way to find out.

Anyways, with only two business days to make up my mind on the standing offer, I will be using today for the interview, and hopefully I'll get the response from them by next Monday, which is the day I have to make the decision of my life.

And I do mean the decision of my life--maybe not the only one, but certainly one of the most important decision ever. That choice will have lasting impact on my life ever after... I am practically making a career move here; I don't want to be turning around to camera and saying,

"I'd not want to move up in this organization... While I'm down here, it's a job. Anywhere higher, it's a career, and I'd kill my self if that happens."*

I want it to be my career for at least a while... maybe at least about 3~5 years. Then, I'd like to look at where I am and make another decision: Stay in that route, or change lane.. hopefully into one called "entertainment."

I'm sleepy, and I've chit-chatted like a girl. Enough of this already! Need rest for the interview.

Wish me luck. Fingers crossed.

PS. I did a little calculation of the offer, and it turns out, it's not bad at all. But... there's nothing to lose in trying to negotiate, yes? (Of course, that's if I don't mess it up big time and lose the offer, but... .... I need a wooden board... 'knock knock')

* If you don't get it, start watching more tv shows. The Office in particular.

My First Job Offer!!!

Atlanta's skyline

I just got a call Lockheed Martin's headquarter, and their HR personnel gave me a good news. Well, I had been expecting this for a while, but I finally got the offer after about 2 weeks of waiting. This is my first job offer, and so, I am really excited.

But as always, there's a catch. Their offer, as she outlined it for me, didn't quite live upto my expectation. I will know more about it in detail once I get the offer package by snail-mail, but I want to negotiate the offer and try to get as much more as possible. But then, she says they don't negotiate if I don't have any other offer at hand... Hmm, is this true? Maybe this is one of those things they say just to avoid going through trouble of negotiation, and to fool youngsters like me into an unfair contract.

Well, for now, let me be happy. But I guess I'll tell other locations to hurry, since I'll only have a week to decide once I get the package.

As people say, I guess no one can have everything they want, hmm? But I don't think trying to be in 50th percentile is all that greedy.

UPDATE: I just got another call from same company, in different location about another interview. It was nice because it was local, but when I told her that I just received an offer from same company, but different division, she said she can't pursue it if that's the case. Apparently, I have to decline the offer I got today in order to pursue other positions in the same company. That means interviews I did at Syracuse, the one at VA Beach I was looking forward to, all went out the window today--if I do choose to accept that offer that is. Ah... Sadness....