The Vicious Cycle of Our Lives

Even though we are prone to bad behaviors all the time, it is my firm belief that we know exactly what is the right things and the wrong things to do each and every moment--unless you're either high or drunk, but that's beside the point--even while we're doing the wrong thing. This is because, I believe, of laziness. I, for example, know that I really should concentrate on work, and I should stop blogging and surfing the net--I keep blogging because working requires more energy and willpower to maintain focus.

Here is a list of some other things that I know I really ought to be doing on daily basis, but I am not:

1. Be truly religious. Give up my everything to Him and be a humble servant. This, contrary to today's culture of greed and pride, is the only true way to real happiness on this Hellish world. Be helpful to others, be loving, and give up. Simple, yes, but extremely hard.
2. STOP PLAYING GAMES. This may be the single most life-depriving activity I constantly come back to every day. While gaming itself can't be faulted for every hardship I go through, it is the root of all evil as it takes up most of my free time and energy that I should spend on other more productive activities, such as the next one.
3. Work on personal projects. As I've expressed several times before, the current job isn't in the path to the career goal I wish to pursue. Basically, I'm sticking with this position to survive this economic winter, and keep paying the bill. So, it's probably given that I am not getting any experience in skills that are directly applicable to my desired career. To supplement this gap, I need to launch some project that is in alignment with my goal.

I realize that more than a quarter of my life have already passed. Each year is becoming shorter and shorter as I grow older and older--There's only 1/3 of 2010 left, already! I don't think I should waste any of my time, but of course, this is easier said than done. If you ask me why I don't do the above if I know so well, I'll say that I am waiting for someone to break me out of it. By myself alone, it just feels impossible to do anything else than repeating yesterday. Or maybe I'm afraid of something. As Frodo said,

" I know what I must do, it's just that... I'm afraid to do it. "

Thank You

I thought I was fine, that I could live happily here, alone, away from my family and my dear friends... and last weekend changed everything.

I'm not fine. I'm not as happy as I'd like to think. I'm not as independant as I think I am.

...and I certainly wasn't looking for just anybody...

The way I was thinking.. I couldn't be more wrong. I thank God for the weekend. For the friends. For the purest of all...

...Think I'll have confession this weekend.

My Sacrifice

Hmm, now that I think about it, it's already third week? second week? into Lent. The time that is to be used looking back, thinking about Jesus' sacrifice, and sacrificing something we hold dear in those 40 days. What should I sacrifice? What is the thing I hold so close to my heart?

In 40 Days, 40 Nights, the character Josh played gave up sex and masturbation. Should I? Hmm, well, I don't have sex--there isn't anyone to have sex..not now anyways--and my life certainly doesn't revolve around masturbation; I certainly am not a sexholic. (Also, that character has semi-sex during Lent. So he didn't actually keep his word.)

Anyways, so, what should I give up? There are certainly plain, little objects people give up, and I assume it's mostly for fun; chocolate, candy, ice cream, meat, movies, and so on. I suppose I can give up those trivial stuff, but I really don't give a shit about them, so that won't be so meaningful. Not only that, it won't be much of a help to myself, either--I want to seize this chance and discipline myself at the same time.

So, I decided to sacrifice my laziness. Wake up early, and get out of the bed soon after waking up, try not to have idle moments--Oh, how sweet is it to day dream. If you think I'm not really sacrificing anything, you don't know me. Trust me, I really do love lying on my cozy bed, doing nothing, stay in idle position and so on. So, let's see if I can make a habbit out of this....

Amen? Amen!

Snake Among Church's Youths

One of the best way to meet people is to join a church. It is not exactly an ideal reason to attend one, but nonetheless, it still is the best place to make friends. And so I've been going to the one and only Korean Catholic church in Atlanta. It has been more than three months since I've started get aquainted with the church members, but it has proved to be everything but a smooth ride. First I thought it was my problem; I wasn't smiley enough, maybe. But, oh boy, didn't yesterday's meeting prove me wrong. There was something rotting all the way down from the root.

Yesterday's youth group meeting was supposed to be a quick, 30-minute-long discussion in regards to changing the youth group's mass schedule. It ended up being 1 1/2 hour long, blame-game, pointing fingers, crying a puddle, messy meeting where people could dump whatever they had on their mind about current affair of the group.

The current situation of this group is like this: Ever since a couple years ago, this group had been having a hard time retaining its members, let alone having a new member. Not knowing what the problem is, they decided to move the mass time into another time, which seemed like a great fresh breath at the time. It was, for a short time, until things got back to where it was before. People are not supportive of the group, new comers are not joining the group, and there has been tension between officers and members; members didn't see any reason to help in ever-so-gloomy group, and officers were feeling betrayed from the members for not helping them out. With things going like this, new comers must've felt this unwelcoming atmosphere, and simply left and never returned.

I'm not saying that I haven't sensed such aura when I came here. While there were care and loving gestures and smiles in small groups, such as choir, Legio Mariae, and so on, there were none in the youth group. Worse, when they tried to bring me in, it didn't feel welcoming at all; rather, it felt as if I was being preyed upon. I can only speculate they were hungry of new members for a long time that they were so forceful.

The only reason I went yesterday is to veto with every right I have, if I had any, against changing the mass schedule, which would force my involvement in the choir to end. And instead, what I got was a glimps, or more like a whole feature-length grand viewing of an inner suffering of a wavering group, which, pitifully, I was now a part of.

How will we fair now that we had a chance to directly face the root of our problem? I don't know. If yesterday's after-meeting visit to a restaurant, where officers were in a seperate table from everyone else, is any indication, it doesn't look good.