무제

가장 힘들때..
누구한테 기대고 싶을때..

그럴 사람이 없다는게
그 사실이 제일 힘든것 같다.

무너지지 않도록

그때까지 버틸수 있는 힘이 필요하다..

내 마음이 무너지지 않게

벽이 아닌

기둥을 세우는 지혜를

바란다..

Disgusting American Politics

I'm a bit reluctant to post somethings related to news or world events on this blog (I'm trying to keep it personal), but after reading articles like this, I can't but rant here.

The article shows what is wrong with "great" America--lobbying. When done right, sure it can make progress. But this article shows why Washington DC's business as usual is so disgusting: Meredith Attwell Baker, FCC commissioner who was a strong proponent of Comcast-NBC acquisition, quits her job and joins the newly formed company as a Washington DC lobbyist.

Are you disgusted yet? Well, you should be. This is like abuse of power for her own, selfish good, while paving a wide-open way to the demise of net neutrality, and to the f*cking cable-like internet.

It is my belief that telecommunication should be treated like utilities, with complete separation from content providers. It's like water and sewer system; they exist to deliver water to and from us. Or like USPS, that provide the most basic means of sending and receiving packages. They do not discriminate based on content of such goods. (Imagine USPS denying business with you because you used stationary from one company instead of another.) Internet, phone calls, and even cable TV should work like tubes that connect point A and B, and nothing more. It must not discriminate what's going in and out. It works against innovation, freedom, and deprives individuals of choice.

Comcast-NBC acquisition goes directly against that, and Attwell Baker's action disgust me. Comcast charging extra, or even blocking, any content coming from networks other than NBC became a natural thing for that company to take now.

I'm a subscriber to Comcast. I hate this company. It imposed monthly internet usage cap very secretively. If you are Comcast broadband subscriber and was surprised by this, I won't blame you. Comcast never told its subcribers of this important change. I just can't believe Comcast is the only viable ISP choice I have at my apartment.

Once again, nice going, America.

Inspiration

I look around at work, and I see a lot of those who see very comfortable where they are, even complacent. It seems to me that their value is centered around supporting their family, and staying in a stable job, with stable income.

I am not one of those. I want something different. I want inspiration. I don't want to work just for steady income. I don't want to work for the bragging right of working at a giant company. No, I want to work for something I believe in, because you are what you do.

This is something I (once again) realized after watching Simon Sinek's talk (embedded below) on those who leads. He explains that companies should have a value, a belief that drives their actions, and they should find employees who believes in what the companies believe. "If you hire people just because they can do the job, they'll work for your money. But if you hire people who believes what you believe, they'll work with their blood, sweat and tears." Conversely, this means employees should work for companies that they believe in, not just ones that can pay you.

This echos several others (as to prove my belief that truths always comes together). Daniel Pink said about today's motivation on TED that for any work that's a little bit more complex than rudimentary tasks, simple rewards does not work. Instead, their intrinsic motivations, such as autonomy, mastery, and satisfaction, drives people to excel. This is in line with Simon's message. People work not for money, but for their own belief.

In this blog, I've complained about how I'm miserable here at work, doing the work I don't want to do, just for the money. At those times, I simply complained that the tasks I'm doing weren't fun, weren't challenging, and I didn't find a reason to apply myself. But now I see that there's more to that: I don't believe in what this company believes in.

Actually, I didn't know what this company believed in. It wasn't communicated to me at all. "Never forget who we work for," this company's slogan always says. Now what does it mean? Who do we work for? Various companies from various parts of the world... So what does it mean by that? I simply don't know. A quick look at the website reveals a short statement for it's "Vision": "Powered By Innovation, Guided By Integrity, We Help Our Customers Achieve Their Most Challenging Goals." Again, it doesn't believe anything. Simply of delivering goods that its customers demand.

I want to work where I can contribute to advancement of the humanity, enrich its knowledge and art, or work to secure humanity's survival past the emptiness of space. Launching my career at a place as empty in meaning as void, and spending four years in that place is enough. I think it is time to take control of my life.

This Very Moment

Have you ever had a moment in your life
where it was just too good to be true, yet, it was??

Yes, that.

And yeah, that is now.



Thank you :]

열솨는 나 자신에게 있다.

"인생의 날수는 우리가 결정할 수 없지만
인생의 깊이와 넓이는 결정할 수 있다.
얼굴의 모습은 우리가 결정할 수 없지만
얼굴의 표정은 결정할 수 있다.
날씨는 우리가 결정할 수 없지만
마음의 날씨는 결정할 수 있다.
우리가 어떤 운명적 환경에 놓여
고통을 겪는다 해도
여전히 선택할 여지가 있다.

You can't choose the number of days in your life
but you can choose the breadth and depth of your life.
You can't choose the face you're given
but you can choose which expression to put on your face.
You can't choose today's weather
but you can choose how you feel for the day.
No matter how we are placed in a dramatic and unfortunate circumstances,
there are still ample room for you to make choices."

- from 미움이 그친 바로 그 순간

Love at the End of the World

I used to long to be in a mad love
where all I could see was
that one special person
with nothing else to care for.

Yes, that's what I used to say
whenever someone asks me
what is the one last thing
I want to do if this world
was to come to an end tomorrow.

Yeah, but to be honest,
I don't know any more.
I no longer think being in love
is the ultimate goal of my life.

I think I'm finally beginning to understand
why anyone would say
he would plant a tree
on the last day of the world.

Me. The Definition of.

Many of us have something we constantly think about, something we always get back to.

Meaning of my life and my work is something I always come back to. I used to think that my current job was absolutely devoid of any substance, something that can be filled by anyone.

Well, I guess that is true. If I were to be gone tomorrow, there will surely be someone who'll step up to my plate and play the role I am playing right now.

With this thought, I kept thinking about what kind of job, what kind of life will suit me. What kind of life will I fill purposeful in?

Gadgets.
All those awe-inspiring, glittering, and wow-ing technology devices that
always keeps reinventing themselves. Yes--I thought. If I were working in that industry, I'd be the center of today's world, spinning crazily, trying to out-do competitors.

But then, as I've said before somewhere on this blog, I was already tired of gadgets. They are pretty much on a linear path, growing faster and faster, better and better. Our phone will become more and more useful, our computers smarter and faster, our cars more efficient and safer. Really, there isn't anything that's really, truly meaningful here. This portion of world is built like a working machine, that does what it's supposed to do.

Then how about my own job?
My job involves supporting the development of much more bigger, more expensive, and more grandiose technological object--weapons. Or more precisely, weapons delivery systems. My job--although very, very indirectly speaking--actually involves in saving--and, unfortunately, killing--human lives.

Hmm, sure it looks more meaningful.
I mean, it involves some of the most advanced technologies available to us at the time. Government is directly involved in this, and the fruit of my work is directly involved in one important aspect that's been with humanity's history--warfare.

But then again, war is war. Humans have been fighting war as long as it's existed. Again, there isn't anything truly new here.

Now, I've made a full circle--or more like several ones--and I'm back in the same place. Left with no substance. Nothing to define myself with.

So, my thought goes on.

Maybe I was looking for myself in wrong places.
Maybe, my job isn't me. Maybe this world doesn't define me.

Then, what does?

Well, gee, I don't know. Mankind's greatest minds haven't been able to answer it, and surely, I can't, either.

But there is one sure thing:

I, myself define myself.
The world around me can be whatever shape it wants to be. You can tell me who I am, or what I am. But those things don't do anything for me. At least as long as I don't let them define me.

Sure, some people can let their job define them, their position in society to define them, or the size of number on their bank statement define them.

And as you can see, I refuse to do that to myself.
It's... just not me.

There isn't anything in this world that defines me.

I am me.
The soul I have,
the soul that controls my body, my brain, and my heart..
it defines me.

And I'm finally letting go of my ego,
and letting a bigger hand take care of my soul.

What am I?

I am what He let's me be.

되돌임표

어딘가가 너무나도 낯익은 시츄에이숀.
뭔가가 비슷한 캐릭터들
너무나도 비슷한 역할들...

나는

언제나 같은 일을
포장만 약간씩 바꿔가며
되풀이 하고 있던것인가...?

부러움

주위에 보기 좋은 커플이 몇몇 생기기 시작했다.
그냥 보기에 너무 잘 어울려서, 그저 보기 좋아서
시작한 마음이.. 어느세 부러움으로 변해있다.
그런거 보면 내가.. 외로움을 타긴 타나보다.

언제나 혼자 설수 있는 그런 강한 사람들이
모여 진정한 사랑을 할 수 있다고 생각하고
강해지고 싶어했지만

정작 내 자신은 그런 사람의 정 반대가 되어버렸다.

아직 많은 수련이 필요한 내 자신..
너무 불쌍하고 가엽고 슬픈 내 자신..

...

달콤한..

무언가에 깊게 빠져보고 싶다.
무엇인가 나를 사로잡고
놓아주지 않았으면 좋겠다..

음악이든..
미술이든..
사랑이던..

그 열정적인 감정에 허우적 대며
미친듯 열광하는 내 모습을 보며
흐뭇해 하고싶다.

나를 유혹해줘.

어둡고 중독성 있는 사악한 것들이
나를 훔쳐가기 전에...

I Remember

I remember when I used to be so naive.
Naive, because I was pure.
Free from worldly worries.
Needless worries.
Happy just to live.

Now I realize I think.
I think about what if this and that.
I try and try to predict.
Pessimistic, skeptical, even cynical.

It feels like I lost ability to be myself
without being under influence.
I can think straight,
see everything just the way they are
only when I cannot do either.
I can say honest words without any false
when everything is hazy.

What have I become?
Is this what it is to be an adult?
If so, I'd rather stay a child forever.
Even if it means to say good-bye.

Forever.

....방법

울고싶다.

그렇지만 우는 방법을 모르겠다.

울고 싶은데 난 웃는다.

오늘도 그렇게 지나간다...

The Vicious Cycle of Our Lives

Even though we are prone to bad behaviors all the time, it is my firm belief that we know exactly what is the right things and the wrong things to do each and every moment--unless you're either high or drunk, but that's beside the point--even while we're doing the wrong thing. This is because, I believe, of laziness. I, for example, know that I really should concentrate on work, and I should stop blogging and surfing the net--I keep blogging because working requires more energy and willpower to maintain focus.

Here is a list of some other things that I know I really ought to be doing on daily basis, but I am not:

1. Be truly religious. Give up my everything to Him and be a humble servant. This, contrary to today's culture of greed and pride, is the only true way to real happiness on this Hellish world. Be helpful to others, be loving, and give up. Simple, yes, but extremely hard.
2. STOP PLAYING GAMES. This may be the single most life-depriving activity I constantly come back to every day. While gaming itself can't be faulted for every hardship I go through, it is the root of all evil as it takes up most of my free time and energy that I should spend on other more productive activities, such as the next one.
3. Work on personal projects. As I've expressed several times before, the current job isn't in the path to the career goal I wish to pursue. Basically, I'm sticking with this position to survive this economic winter, and keep paying the bill. So, it's probably given that I am not getting any experience in skills that are directly applicable to my desired career. To supplement this gap, I need to launch some project that is in alignment with my goal.

I realize that more than a quarter of my life have already passed. Each year is becoming shorter and shorter as I grow older and older--There's only 1/3 of 2010 left, already! I don't think I should waste any of my time, but of course, this is easier said than done. If you ask me why I don't do the above if I know so well, I'll say that I am waiting for someone to break me out of it. By myself alone, it just feels impossible to do anything else than repeating yesterday. Or maybe I'm afraid of something. As Frodo said,

" I know what I must do, it's just that... I'm afraid to do it. "

The Alignment of Your Career

Soon after I started working in a different team, one of the technical lead sat down with me and another employee and talked a bit about how to excel in a company, and later make some big bucks. It was rather simple:

Align your career with company's objectives.

By this, he meant that you need to think about what kind of business the company is in to generate revenue. Does it make some machines? Or maybe build web solutions? And then, you need to think about what you are doing at the company, and see how it relates to that business. If your career does not directly relate to the product, regardless of what you think, you are not among the most valued member of the organization. There are plenty of others who can replace you, and will replace you, once you become old, inefficient, or both. Conversely, if your work is related to making the product, then congratulations. You will probably make a lot of money. (Provided you work hard, of course.)

Here's an example the tech lead gave us: if your company makes satellites, then there's no use being a software developer; your career will soon hit a ceiling and stop growing after a certain point. On the other hand, if you are a system integrator, who knows software as well as the hardware, then you're on the road to be among the most valued workers at that company. (Satellite is basically that--a system of hardware and software.)

This may be painfully obvious if you're currently working for, or have worked for a small or medium sized company, such as start-up or venture companies. However, for someone like me who has launched a career in a huge corporation and lack a clear view of the big picture of his career life, or has spent way too much time in one that the career has lost its momentum, this advice is rather new, fresh, and quite alarming one.

Now, the company I'm working for, at least the branch I am working at, builds military airplanes that are used all over the world. And I'm working there as--guess what?--a software engineer. Again, a software guy working at a hardware company. This, he tells me, is a big no-no. I have practically no hand in getting the airplane through the door, and so, from the company's point of view, I am placed pretty low in the corporate pyramid.

Now that I know, there are two options available: 1) adjust my career goal to go along with this company and set my mind on building the airplane, or 2)--I hope no one at my work is looking at this--switch the company to the one that makes money doing what I want to do.

And so far, I haven't decided.

Upgrading Street Views and Street Slides

Deriving from Microsoft Research's Street Slide, I'm thinking:

Wouldn't it be great to have each photos vectorized? This would create clean and infinitely zoom-able street views, no, Street Slides. It will display building shapes and signs without all the fuzziness. This data could also be used to create a complete 3D representations of streets.

Of course, the challenge is how to have this automated, but I'm sure there are plenty of bright people to handle this.

Hey, this could be a good business, don't you think?

My Dream Company

Sometime ago, a friend of mine who actually seems wanting to see me working for a game company asked which company I would die to work for.

I couldn't answer.

It's not because I didn't have any favorite game company, and certainly not because I didn't want to jump into game industry. But it was rather because I was tired of corporate, dull work life.

Many would think that's why people join game industry, to live the exhilarating development life, but most development studios that people know are already a part of big companies, and are tied down by their own processes and procedures.

Of course, to produce quality work, there has to be some kind of process to manage the development. But when a parent company forces a studio to do something it's not willing to do, I see no point of working there (see Activision and Infinity Ward fiasco).

There were some names that floated in my head at the moment of asking: Valve Software, EA, Ubisoft Montreal... But each of those didn't seem good enough for me to say it outright.

Yeah, as if I can work for any of those, if I just wanted, right? Maybe it's best for me to accept that there will never be the dream job that I think about all the time.

*sigh*

Asians... :P

An Asian joke passed by my coworker today:

There is this barber in the US. One day a Caucasian florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber. The barber replies: "No charge today. I am doing community service." The florist is happy and leaves. The next morning the barber finds a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting at his shop door.

An African American cop goes for a haircut and gets the same "community service treatment." The cop is happy and leaves. The next morning the barber finds a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting at his shop door.

An Asian software egineer goes for a haircut and he also gets the "community service treatment." The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there. A dozen Asians waiting for a free Haircut.

Why Me?

Recently, I was reminded of a childhood friend from all the way back in a Korean elementary school, by meeting a person with the same name. She wasn't really a close friend to be remembered. But I remember her existence anyways and will probably never forget.

It's not that she was gorgeous in any ways; she wasn't. She may have been prettier than the norm, but at my age, I was more interested in horsing around and creating trouble than in girls.

Instead, I remember her for what she did; she nominated me for that year's classroom president. (This is not the regular class president that you may think of. In Korean school structure, each grade is divided into several "rooms", where each room acts as a tight organization. They study in same classroom for the most of the time, share same assigned teacher, and, of course, elect a president and officers of that room to take care of itself.)

It was totally out of the blue. I was, and still am, very uninterested when it comes to taking up responsibility of a social organization and the power that comes from taking a position such as a president. I was never interested in any school-related issues, nor of us students. Heck, I never even cared for a good grade. As long as I had some friends to wreck havoc with, I was golden. Even at the moment she nominated me, I was buy chit-chatting with a nearby friend and not paying attention. On top of that, she wasn't even one of my close friend as I've mentioned before. The only thing I remember her is studying piano under the same teacher.

After all these years, I am still curious the reason behind her decision to nominate me. Why? What was she thinking? And what did she see in me (if she did at all)?

PS. The election result? Do I even need to tell you? I never held such position until I was forced to take such position in college. Let's leave it at that.

Life without Life

As all of you might have noticed (I say "all" since there are only a handful who visit here), I haven't been updating this blog for a long, long time. 'Tis not because of my intentional decision, but rather of the lack of inspiration. I haven't been able to think straight or feel something in me to talk about. My mind is hazy and out of focus, and I live as if I've lost my purpose in this life.

...

Now that I've said that, I really feel like I've lost the purpose. I have lost the source of inspiration. I no longer feel the calling. What has happened, I do not know.

One thing I do know, however, is that this is not where I belong. This mundane and senseless daily life of an office worker is not something I asked for. I hope someone can do something to me, so I can get up and start walking again.

Would you kindly?